Archive | January 2015

It Always Starts With A Call

Part I
So today started off weird, with me struggling to get out of bed and unable to shake the fatigue that plagued I would wake for brief moments at time, only to slip back into a deep slumber. Completely aware of what was happening, I began to panic. Here I was fighting sleep and hours away from my night shift and I couldn’t will my body to rise. A few hours later, a call disturbed my troublesome pattern. Relieved I rolled over and answered the phone, it was my brother making sure we were still hanging out later that night. Still groggy from my sleep, I answered confirming tonight’s plans and hung up. My upper body moved upright as if I were attached to a string and being pulled my an invisible force, I stumbled to the bathroom and began my wake up routine. Once completed, I moisturized my hair and scalp, getting the most time consuming aspect of my preparation out of the way. My stomach growled, shit I hadn’t eaten all day. My body was operating on auto pilot and I hadn’t noticed. I rotated my wrist revealing the time, it was 11:45 am. What am I going to eat? I asked aloud to no one in particular. I had been in between pay checks and was unable to shop earlier this week. My stomach let out another low growl, fuck it! I exclaimed, I’m ordering Chinese. Today was pay day after all, I could spare $10 maybe $15 and still cover rent and my bus fare. I knocked on my roommates door, anxiously awaiting a response. Within seconds a face peered through a crack of the partially opened door, without hesitation I said “happy dragon menu, my bf tossed mine and I am super sorry to bug you”. The face disappeared and in its place the menu I requested. I then asked if they wanted anything as I was ordering and was instructed to order a shrimp roll. I placed my order and hung up the phone. Bored and hungry I turned on my xfinity on demand and began watching justified. My mind was elsewhere, my thoughts preoccupied with yesterday’s blog and the conversation that spurred it. I also thought on today and why it seemed to drag on and the feeling of dread creeping up within me. Justified ended and the Chinese arrived, I decided to see if a new episode of empire was available. “Yeeeeees!” I almost shouted, not only was a new episode of empire available but always sunny in Philadelphia was also available and two episodes at that. I looked at the time 12:55pm, I had less than an hour to eat and get ready for work; empire it is, seeing how it’s 28 minutes long.
I finished eating and got dressed to go to work, and headed out to start my daily commute. The 22 and the 16 bus rode by as I stood their in disbelief. Ugh! fine I will have to take an alternate route luckily, I had just enough time to make it to my first bus.
An hour later, I am at work and getting caught up for the task at hand for the day. At 5pm I find out a friend lost a job, and at 6pm found another friends boyfriend is cheating on her and she doesn’t know what to do. She is hysterical, and so was her son. I wanted desperately to tell her it’s life and to move on, but I also knew that she isn’t the type to receive tough love well. I let her cry and scream and vent, responding with “I’m sorry” and “he’s an asshole that didn’t deserve you” every so often.
I knew what the problem was, being her friend for years granted me insight, and because I know her I know I cannot be honest. The truth is she means well, but can’t help being a user. She does for others only to have something to lord over you with or guilt you into doing what she wants. She is the Best at emotional manipulation and the worst at friendship, but despite everything I cannot cut her off and leave her alone. She wants to be loved and goes about it in a terrible way. It’s like she panics and overcompensates in hopes of getting someone to marry her. She is beautiful, and can be really sweet but she can’t shake that desperate vibe she puts out. However to her credit this is the first man she didn’t ask for anything from, and sadly this is the first and probably the last man she will ever give everything to. It’s unlike her to he with someone she can’t get anything from. Her mantra for years has been” I need a man to take care of me and my son”. I have always disagreed with this notion. Nevertheless she took it pretty hard. I know, why would anyone want someone like this in their life? And I don’t know the answer to that. I feel like when our time together or interaction is complete God will guide our separate ways or maybe strengthen our friendship; who knows. I would also like to add that I am not perfect and I am riddled with inconsistency, and contradictions, and damage but I don’t look to a partner to fix or make me whole again. I also don’t rely on anyone emotionally. I guess with her being forty I expected more from her is all.

Nightmares are real

Things happen some good and some bad, and at times you have no one to turn to. So at that point you have one of two choices give in to the cold embrace of depression or just deal. When I say “just deal” I mean to make a mental chest like that of pirate chest except for memories and experiences that you don’t touch or speak of ever, with a lock on it and cram it in there, then lock it up with chains and leave it there. As life goes on you will pay many visits to the chest,  I have perfected the art of cracking it open ever so slightly and cramming the nightmares of my life into it. This method isn’t without it’s drawbacks, because I can’t acknowledge and talk about and address these things doesn’t mean it didn’t happen and it doesn’t mean I have forgotten. When I am alone and I have nothing to do, the chest beckons me towards it. The thought of opening this chest frightens me,  so I must keep myself busy, video games, movies drawing anything that I can get lost in. However a day comes when you watch the very nightmare you run and hide from, ravish another. Your helpless, you watch as all those feelings of loneliness and violation and anger rush back to you. Don’t cry,  crying is for the weak,  this is how you were raised, don’t speak unless you want to shame your family and bring to light all their terrible decisions and things they let happen to you. The whole family knows, yet we smile and joke as if nothing happens. The whole family knows, yet one of the primary offenders remains protected by my aunt. If only they knew the things you struggle with daily, if they would care. In regards to the new nightmare, I am speechless as to what to do. I have no advice to offer, no wisdom no knowledge. Time doesn’t dull the pain or take away the shame.  I pray all the time,  more for my sanity and survival and with the hope that I can forgive. Sorry little one, that I cannot help. It falls to our parents to protect us a job they fail at time and time again. I can’t take away the pain and undo the hurt but hopefully you heal, unlike me. In life I have learned some cuts are too deep to heal, I constantly bleed in the most unexpected of ways. Some people shouldn’t have kids, it’s a responsibility not everyone is ready for. I am 26 years old and this is the closest I can get to talking about it. I keep telling myself it’s life, and life isn’t fair, it isn’t kind, it’s cold and it just happens to you. It is what it is. As terrible as mine was, the thing that gets me is someone has had it worse. I cannot imagine a life worse than mine, to know there are all kinds of abuse and have suffered multiple kinds for years; people will say they are sorry, they will try and comfort you but no one will ever understand. My heart goes out to others like me, and those whose pain I couldn’t fathom. One day hopefully we will all be alright.

Simply Me

I woke up this morning, tired frustrated from the night before. Tired because I choked down NyQuil moments before my boyfriend tackled and kept me up for hours.  I know at this point most of you are thinking “there is no way you had sex for hours, you’d cramp up or something…… Right? “. Well normally you would be right but in this case your wrong. Long story short alcohol, sugar and walking around in a T-shirt makes for a sleepless night. Once he collapsed from what I assume was sheer exhaustion, I allowed the NyQuil to take over and guide me gently to land of sleep. When I woke later that day (which was yesterday), groggy, mouth dry, and eyes struggling to focus. I sat up, at the edge of my bed trying to get my bearings and to figure out how much of the day had wasted away as I slept. As my eyes cleared, I glanced over at my computer and thought to myself “Even though the distance is short, I don’t quite feel like wasting the effort to reach my computer”. Although the distance was short, in my sleep deprived mind it seemed like a journey from where I sat. Just as I was about to admit defeat and chalk the day up to a loss, a thought came to me;  my phone. I scanned the mattress and the nearby sidetable for the answer, and to my dismay it wasn’t there. I checked under the unclipped coupons from last week’s circuler, and underneath my pillows;  but each location turned up nothing.
Again I looked to me computer, hoping that I could simply will it to me, sadly this isn’t scifi. I am aware that it’s not possible  to will an object over but it doesn’t hurt to try. Finally I submit and begin this weird GI Joe half crawl to my computer, within seconds lI reach my computer; and shocker my damn phone lay beneath it blinking every so often.  I boot up my computer as I wake my phone to see my notifications. It’s 12:45pm, I still have to detangle my hair and deep condition it, and cook dinner before 5pm.  I take a moment to gather my thoughts and make my way to the kitchen. Forty minutes later the chicken is cleaned and seasoned and set to marinate.  *fast forward *By 4:30 my hair is done and dinner three quarters of the way complete. I sit down to take a breather, and to figure out the best way to style my hair. I fussed and cursed and yelled, but to no avail. I couldn’t figure it out. I finished dinner and sat on the edge of my bed and decided to just leave it, to just enjoy my curly and thick hair and be done with it. I said a silent prayer that it would snow harder than it has ever snowed before, so that I can have another day off to relax and get the hair products to keep my curly hair looking as awesome as possible. So far so good, I hope everyone can have off and relax and enjoy the snow from home. As for me I am calling out.

Goodnight world
Stay warm and sweet dreams

Relationship Rants “Need” VS “Wants”

I was told that in a relationship you have to need one another in order for it to work, and I have to say this baffled me. I remember thinking to myself I would never want to need anybody or anything, I have God and myself and that should be all that I need. I assume when the time came for a relationship in my life I would the relationship to exist if only we wanted it to. I feel like placing a “need” in the relationship provides an unnecessary strain on things. I feel like that element is like a 5 ton weight no one should have to carry. My friends disagree, I keep hearing silliness like “Men are wired for respect and woman for stability”. I guess to some degree I can see the validity in this, however I cannot respect this notion; I feel like that statement in itself is a two way street. It also doesn’t quite dispute or support my stance, which also confused me. I have also been told that maybe I am too independent and that is my down fall.  After hearing this I thought to myself, why would anyone want to be dependent on anybody? or to admit they aren’t strong enough, or resourceful enough, or good enough to make it on their own. In essence to be dependent means to admit weakness, at least that is what it means to me.

What if you cave and decide that you need someone? and then things don’t work out, are you then left with a void of some sort? I guess either way a hole will be left in the absence of a former love, however I feel like its not as bad if you handle everything yourself and remain independent. I feel like its foolish to lose yourself in any endeavor and allow someone else to meet your needs.

I know some people reading this might be thinking, but what of sex, companionship, emotional, spiritual and financial support? and to that I say get a job, friend, find religion of some sort, and in some cases a therapist; as for sex you have several choices masturbation, friends with benefits or promiscuity or relationship. I guess I shouldn’t have said several, there aren’t many options for sex. I would also like to say while sex is amazing and it’s easy to fall victim to it’s spell, it shouldn’t be priority and it shouldn’t be  a “need”.

I digress because it seems I am getting off topic. I feel like in a relationship a “want” would supersede a “need” . I have never went above and beyond because of a need, but I have for things that I wanted. I know its ass backwards but I am just being honest.

A “need” implies obligation, or business arrangements of sort, something out of necessity; whereas a “want” is the embodiment of your passions and emotions brought to fruition, simply because you chose it and made it so. There is a huge difference in the two and with a “need” it allows no emotion, which means no love and that I find terrifying.

Love is……..

I have heard a great many things on the topic of love,  from different people. I have heard Bible quotes, and personal ideas and experiences shared. I thought I heard it all until one day someone asked me what love is, and I simply said acceptance.
I thought to myself if someone can get to know the Best and worst of you and still want to be with you and love in spite of that, then that to me is love. Think about it, can you imagine being with someone and they never judge you, or make fun of you, or ridicule you, but in knowing you…… all of you; love you more. It gives me chills to think such a wonderful thing can exist.
Let’s face it,  we aren’t perfect and we have made choices, decisions and mistakes…… some we are proud of and wear like a badge of honor and others not so much. In life there are no take backs or do overs, no reset button and what’s done is done. With this being its nice to meet someone who can accept all of you.