So today started off weird, with me struggling to get out of bed and unable to shake the fatigue that plagued I would wake for brief moments at time, only to slip back into a deep slumber. Completely aware of what was happening, I began to panic. Here I was fighting sleep and hours away from my night shift and I couldn’t will my body to rise. A few hours later, a call disturbed my troublesome pattern. Relieved I rolled over and answered the phone, it was my brother making sure we were still hanging out later that night. Still groggy from my sleep, I answered confirming tonight’s plans and hung up. My upper body moved upright as if I were attached to a string and being pulled my an invisible force, I stumbled to the bathroom and began my wake up routine. Once completed, I moisturized my hair and scalp, getting the most time consuming aspect of my preparation out of the way. My stomach growled, shit I hadn’t eaten all day. My body was operating on auto pilot and I hadn’t noticed. I rotated my wrist revealing the time, it was 11:45 am. What am I going to eat? I asked aloud to no one in particular. I had been in between pay checks and was unable to shop earlier this week. My stomach let out another low growl, fuck it! I exclaimed, I’m ordering Chinese. Today was pay day after all, I could spare $10 maybe $15 and still cover rent and my bus fare. I knocked on my roommates door, anxiously awaiting a response. Within seconds a face peered through a crack of the partially opened door, without hesitation I said “happy dragon menu, my bf tossed mine and I am super sorry to bug you”. The face disappeared and in its place the menu I requested. I then asked if they wanted anything as I was ordering and was instructed to order a shrimp roll. I placed my order and hung up the phone. Bored and hungry I turned on my xfinity on demand and began watching justified. My mind was elsewhere, my thoughts preoccupied with yesterday’s blog and the conversation that spurred it. I also thought on today and why it seemed to drag on and the feeling of dread creeping up within me. Justified ended and the Chinese arrived, I decided to see if a new episode of empire was available. “Yeeeeees!” I almost shouted, not only was a new episode of empire available but always sunny in Philadelphia was also available and two episodes at that. I looked at the time 12:55pm, I had less than an hour to eat and get ready for work; empire it is, seeing how it’s 28 minutes long.
I finished eating and got dressed to go to work, and headed out to start my daily commute. The 22 and the 16 bus rode by as I stood their in disbelief. Ugh! fine I will have to take an alternate route luckily, I had just enough time to make it to my first bus.
An hour later, I am at work and getting caught up for the task at hand for the day. At 5pm I find out a friend lost a job, and at 6pm found another friends boyfriend is cheating on her and she doesn’t know what to do. She is hysterical, and so was her son. I wanted desperately to tell her it’s life and to move on, but I also knew that she isn’t the type to receive tough love well. I let her cry and scream and vent, responding with “I’m sorry” and “he’s an asshole that didn’t deserve you” every so often.
I knew what the problem was, being her friend for years granted me insight, and because I know her I know I cannot be honest. The truth is she means well, but can’t help being a user. She does for others only to have something to lord over you with or guilt you into doing what she wants. She is the Best at emotional manipulation and the worst at friendship, but despite everything I cannot cut her off and leave her alone. She wants to be loved and goes about it in a terrible way. It’s like she panics and overcompensates in hopes of getting someone to marry her. She is beautiful, and can be really sweet but she can’t shake that desperate vibe she puts out. However to her credit this is the first man she didn’t ask for anything from, and sadly this is the first and probably the last man she will ever give everything to. It’s unlike her to he with someone she can’t get anything from. Her mantra for years has been” I need a man to take care of me and my son”. I have always disagreed with this notion. Nevertheless she took it pretty hard. I know, why would anyone want someone like this in their life? And I don’t know the answer to that. I feel like when our time together or interaction is complete God will guide our separate ways or maybe strengthen our friendship; who knows. I would also like to add that I am not perfect and I am riddled with inconsistency, and contradictions, and damage but I don’t look to a partner to fix or make me whole again. I also don’t rely on anyone emotionally. I guess with her being forty I expected more from her is all.