Archive | December 2015

Insomnia chronicles 1 (technically 2)

There is nothing worse than knowing that nothing is safe, i mean you can change the passwords but anyone worth their salt can still figure it out.

My privacy has been violated, and my computer compromised by someone I thought I could trust; someone I thought respected and loved me enough to leave well enough alone.

I get it you don’t like how I view you, but why not change? be the man I used to admire and couldn’t stand to be apart from. I remember there was once a time that we had fun, we didn’t argue and I remember you commented on that. Do you remember? Although a lot of time has passed since, I remember it like it was yesterday.

something changed, and I remember when it first took place and I said “babe you aren’t just using me to fill the loneliness you feel are you? Because that would suck because I actually love and care about you” and you assured me that this wasn’t the case

Here we are present day and I have learned that my suspicions are true which explains everything you do.

Why am I still here, you ask? well I guess I am not ready to let go. I am sure that you knowing this will take advantage of me and it will not end well.

Side note: If you are reading this stop fucking with my shit when I am not home. I’m serious, I respect your shit so respect mine. You don’t like what I say then talk to me and fix it.

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My Dreams

 

I am going to get the job I have always wanted, that I can enjoy and grants me all that I need in order to live comfortably. I will get vacation time, and see my mom and family and benefits and actually be able to buy that gym membership that I need. I won’t live pay check to pay check, I won’t need roommates and I will finally have a car. I will be completely self sufficient and I will actually be able to save money.

I know to some this seems insignificant but if you like me have worked years, busting your hump hoping to move up in a company that could careless, as you sacrifice every ounce of free time you have being loyal; showing commitment and dedication this means the world. As I type this I get teary eyed, because its not easy. The only thing I have is God, determination and optimism.

I got this and I will get everything I want and then some, because I won’t stop until I do.

Self truth #4 (I think it’s #4 ><)

I’m a glutton for punishment.

When I say this,  I mean it in the sense that I will acknowledge that something is painful and potentially detrimental and yet I will do nothing to change it.  This doesn’t pertain to financial situations or anything like that but when it comes to people, I allow myself to be abused and taken advantage of.  This is part of the reason I hate caring and loving others it makes it harder to say no and stand my ground and be heard. 

They say the first step to change is admitting that there is a problem……. Here goes nothing.

Lost treasure

“I know what’s wrong!” exclaimed my boyfriend,  and followed up with “trust, we don’t trust each other anymore ”
A quiet fell in the room, as I thought to myself “no duh!! Were you not here for the last year or so? ”

The silence was broken by his arrogant voice “I don’t know why you don’t trust me,  it’s not like I gave you a reason to not trust me”. His words had a smugness to it that completely disgusted me.

His words resonated with in me and brought a flood of memories, I’d not thought on quite some time. Moments of pain and depression that I hid with a smile, as I tried to act normal. Then more vividly than ever all the ways he has ever betrayed me and failed me as a partner.  It was like a movie of events were playing in my head.  I sat silent,  as I tried to rebottle all of my thoughts and feelings.  He continued his self righteous rant,  about how great he is and doesn’t deserve my attitude.  I let his voice fade from my awareness and trail off in to the background of my consciousness.  It wasn’t long before the sting of words brought me back to the current situation. “Your not even listening!?  Are you!? ” he said with an alarming amount of frustration.  I sat and stared blankly,  almost paralyzed by the situation.  I’m too tired to argue and fed up, I could respond in sarcasm as usual or simply let him have this moment.  I chose the latter of the two. I have been doing this for four years and I have grown weary. 

I wanted desperately to say, no scream “I DO NOT TRUST YOU!  YOU HAVE LIED BY OMISSION AND AT TIMES OUT RIGHT. YOU PRETTY MUCH FUCKED ANOTHER WOMEN IN FRONT OF ME AND CONFESSED THAT YOU WERE LOOKING FOR OTHER MORE COMPATIBLE MATES AFTER WE HAD BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR YEARS! AND THATS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG,  so to answer your question as to whether or not I trust you,  HELL FUCKING NO!!!!!  I’D BE A DUMBASS TO”

Instead I sat in silence, and stared.  He continued and then eventually got so frustrated he left.  I have grown used to this,  him being without fault and all the blame being on me. Him seldom being home. If you are wondering, yes I think he is cheating on me…. I just have not the proof to really have a sound argument. You text mystery people at all hours of the day and night,  I barely see you and to add insult to injury you keep hinting that your not ready for a committed relationship and you need space. So when I am brave enough I will give you all the space you need my love.

Trust is so precious, it’s hard to find and worst yet once lost damn near impossible to regain.

To my love, the man I’m unlucky enough to have love for; I sincerely hope it was worth it.