“I know what’s wrong!” exclaimed my boyfriend, and followed up with “trust, we don’t trust each other anymore ”
A quiet fell in the room, as I thought to myself “no duh!! Were you not here for the last year or so? ”
The silence was broken by his arrogant voice “I don’t know why you don’t trust me, it’s not like I gave you a reason to not trust me”. His words had a smugness to it that completely disgusted me.
His words resonated with in me and brought a flood of memories, I’d not thought on quite some time. Moments of pain and depression that I hid with a smile, as I tried to act normal. Then more vividly than ever all the ways he has ever betrayed me and failed me as a partner. It was like a movie of events were playing in my head. I sat silent, as I tried to rebottle all of my thoughts and feelings. He continued his self righteous rant, about how great he is and doesn’t deserve my attitude. I let his voice fade from my awareness and trail off in to the background of my consciousness. It wasn’t long before the sting of words brought me back to the current situation. “Your not even listening!? Are you!? ” he said with an alarming amount of frustration. I sat and stared blankly, almost paralyzed by the situation. I’m too tired to argue and fed up, I could respond in sarcasm as usual or simply let him have this moment. I chose the latter of the two. I have been doing this for four years and I have grown weary.
I wanted desperately to say, no scream “I DO NOT TRUST YOU! YOU HAVE LIED BY OMISSION AND AT TIMES OUT RIGHT. YOU PRETTY MUCH FUCKED ANOTHER WOMEN IN FRONT OF ME AND CONFESSED THAT YOU WERE LOOKING FOR OTHER MORE COMPATIBLE MATES AFTER WE HAD BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR YEARS! AND THATS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG, so to answer your question as to whether or not I trust you, HELL FUCKING NO!!!!! I’D BE A DUMBASS TO”
Instead I sat in silence, and stared. He continued and then eventually got so frustrated he left. I have grown used to this, him being without fault and all the blame being on me. Him seldom being home. If you are wondering, yes I think he is cheating on me…. I just have not the proof to really have a sound argument. You text mystery people at all hours of the day and night, I barely see you and to add insult to injury you keep hinting that your not ready for a committed relationship and you need space. So when I am brave enough I will give you all the space you need my love.
Trust is so precious, it’s hard to find and worst yet once lost damn near impossible to regain.
To my love, the man I’m unlucky enough to have love for; I sincerely hope it was worth it.