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Midnight thoughts

Here I sit awake thinking

To myself, of all that I once thought

To be certain for sure

As I reflect on a previous conversation

That gave me pause

For the man I once thought

Constant and sure said something rather

Peculiar to me earlier today

Logical but peculiar, and normally

I wouldn’t have given it much thought

But in light of recent events I can’t help

But think that maybe there’s more to it.

He said “I don’t know what the next six months has in store for us, I mean …I hope our relationship grows and blossoms but no one knows for sure”.

Which is a far cry from his original statement where he stated “no matter what we would be together”.

But then again, he’s more secretive with his phone, looks at other girls I’m sure he thinks are prettier and I can’t help but ask myself why is he still here?? Is this just something in the meantime?? Or until he’s bored??? I dunno??? Only time will tell.

The question I keep asking myself is, why do I even bother to love??? Is he worth it??? Why did our paths cross?? What is the point of all this???

Like he proposed to me !?! For what just to act as though he’s still single!?!

Should we continue is this to be my life, feeling unattractive and not enough because at the end of the day hes always going to look at other girls on his page, and snap chat and friends list.

His reason is porn, he actually told me he needed to get hard so he looked up his friends naked picture to get hard enough to fuck me!!!!

I guess my exposed body wasn’t enough! I have never felt so unattractive in my life.

Like how would he feel if sat there gawking at my hot, tall, super packing, buff guy friends in my little groups and snap chats and shit to get in the mood to fuck him!?

Oh and then when I go to fuck him the wetness from the visual treat of my social media friends is ruined by the sight of him, because that’s pretty much what he told me when he said his boner went away looking at me after he looked at his snap chat whores and sluts.

He never looks at me the way he looks at them and when I send him pics he gets irritated, and it’s like if you don’t want to see me then like why the fuck are you even with me and hanging around!?!

I can send any straight guy a million pictures from any angle and they love it all, and never tire at the sight but him, he doesn’t even bother to look at them when I send….jut closes the chat. So m trying be cute and sexy is a waste, me doing my hair a fucking waste …not like he cares enough to notice and or comment preemptively, me doing anything is a fucking waste, unless I’m fucking cooking it’s a waste and will go unnoticed unless I bring it to his attention and ask. Guys out in the street notice but my fucking oblivious fiancee, he makes me feel sooooooooo sexy and special and wanted…..sike. jeez no wonder sex is a chore for him and I have to hound him for it. He can regal me of these epic stories of bitches past with these crazy sessions and I have to damned near beg….it’s because he’s obviously not attracted to me and it took me this long to realize it…..wow I feel really really stupid right now…..this is a new and uncomfortable feeling me, I don’t like it.

But then it begs the question what’s wrong with me that I have someone around that constantly makes me feel this way and tells me this is something I’m going to have to deal with while they work on doing better….

This I thought to be a child’s response.

Fuck me, what the fuck am I to fucking do !!!!!

I can’t even sleep, I’m so frustrated and upset like words can’t even explain.

Well that’s all for now. Goodnight guys and for those that follow, thank you and have a great night.

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Dream vs reality

In my dream I saw us in a Place 

Neither of us have ever been 

It was peaceful, beautiful and yes dear 

I say ….perfect

We worked in harmony

We had few fights 

We stuck by each other 

But of course that is nothing more than 

A dream 

And like most dreams you eventually 

Wake up 

And when you do you’re greeted by the

Harshness that which is reality 

The harmony gone 

The peace an illusion 

And you’re left in your grin existence 

Asking yourself why ? And how?

As if these questions hold secret answers 

To the questions that fill your heart and mind

And that Beautiful and wonderful dream

Is shattered 

Understanding 

I have been called childish at times and judged for indulging in what would otherwise be considered and classified as childish 

But what you don’t know or see is that all day I suffocate that part of me for work, for my friends and prioritizing everyone else’s happiness.

At the end of the day my only selfish act is indulging that part of me

My childish part that by some miracle of God is still alive and well within 

My inner child allows me to smile on the worst of days and is my guiding light 

It allows me to shake off the wrong and betrayal of the world, setting myself aside to be there selflessly for others.

I didn’t get to formally meet or introduce myself to my inner child much less embrace it at the appropriate age.

This is what happens when kids are forced to think and act like adults in addition to a difficult life.

I couldn’t be a child growing up, it wasn’t safe….it’s something that you were punished for.

While as an adult one would think it worse, it’s a great comfort.

Shit happens and my inner child shines through being optimistic and full of love.

I wouldn’t trade it for the world, the adult in me if I had things my way would burn everything to the ground that belonged to the ones that hurt me.

We all have sides of us and coping mechanisms, if I were to shed mine…..the light within would be snuffed out; the darkness will take over and I will no longer recognized the person I know myself to be and love

My true nature, is a cold, uncaring, unfeeling, self centered, calculating asshole.

No matter what this world throws at me I cannot let it change me into what it wants me to be, I have to stand firm in who I am and who I want to be.

You can never understand, and to be honest I don’t blame you there are things I have yet to understand.

I know how things will turn out and yet time and time again I stick with it thinking my intuition is wrong. 

You’ll see me and cast your judgements on me and act accordingly.

Should you ever find yourself reading this, I want you to know at the end of the day I take care of not only my responsibilities, but those around me. Even knowing how things played out with us in advance, I want you to know despite the betrayal and lies, I enjoyed our time together. The love I have for you is very real, and I hope your alright. You’ve had it hard and you’ve made difficult decisions because of those your loyal to but it comes a time when you need to be loyal to yourself. I can’t be mad be I understand all too well, it’s a blessing and a curse but I wouldn’t change it. 

I sincerely hope you read this, my things can and will be replaced but you only get one life and even if reincarnations are real, you only get this life with this consciousness; don’t waste it on those who don’t value or appreciate you.

Love always 

HP

Truth is 

So I’m not worth your time at my heaviest 
But I’m worth your time now that I’m slimmer 

I’m not as slim as your preference so you propose fuck buddy

I’m not yet beautiful enough to meet your standard of beauty 

I must have pathetic low self esteem cum dumpster written on my forehead

For you to think it alright to approach me this way 

Well the truth is at my worst I was way out of your league 

And now that I’m getting my shit together you aren’t even worth the courtesy of a response 

Much less the three minutes of sweat your advertising

The truth is I know my worth and my value and I shan’t be sharing any parts of my awesome 

with you.

So take my lack of response as the most respectful decline to your offer that I can muster.
To the fuckboy who messaged me

From Goddess Hannah 

My language, translation included 

They say that knowing is half of the battle

but what exactly does that mean?

Every relationship, encounter or experience is an opportunity to learn and grow

I have learned that I am stubborn, passionate, vulnerable, flawed, hurt, damaged, strong willed and I am currently running on borrowed inner strength.

I have learned that I have a want to be loved and liked by those that matter, I love hard and I do everything in my power to show my love, I have abandonment issues, I am terrified that I won’t be able to have a family of my own one day, I am worried that marriage may not be an outcome for me and I wont find the person who deserves all of my love and what I have to offer.

I have learned that I have to be fearless in order to not have to face my fears.

I have learned that all of these things have come together inside of me and I have formed my own language.

My “I am fines, nothing is wrong,” is a cry for help and love

My saying I don’t want children is because its a lot easier than admitting that I may not have a say in the matter.

My saying that I am fine being a lone and relationships aren’t for everyone, and marriage is over rated is my way of saying that I am afraid that I may not find the one and I should get used to being alone.

Me choking on my emotions and telling people to stop being emotional is my way of saying, I have been hurt so many times that if I allow myself to feel in any capacity that it will overwhelm. I need to keep it bottled, I can’t allow myself to feel or grief.

I hurt so easily, I pretend nothing phases me but a lot hurts, a lot is chipping away at me; but I have to be strong, I have to be cool, I have to be that symbol of inspiration. I can’t let my friends and family see me being human…. being human is not a luxury afforded to me.

I have over time developed a complicated language layered in fears, insecurity and wrapped in pain, stamped damaged.

My biggest fear is not finding the one who can translate and understand

The one that is patient enough to kiss the stamp, see the pain and embrace me and once unwrapped get through the layers and find me at the center of the chaos, stand by me and love me all the more for what they have seen.

I don’t want to pretend anymore and I just want to be and let my guard down, I need to be human and know its ok.

Until then, I will wait ….for the one I feel safe enough around to take down my defenses, and let see the real me.

The purpose 

Why am I here?

What stars aligned to bring about my birth?

Everyone has that hallmark response that everything happens for a reason or purpose 

But what is that? And what the fuck does it actually mean?!

Because if you think about it all the good and bad occurred for you to benefit another

So the abuse, the molestation, the heartache and suffering……

All the pain was to benefit another?!!

Which makes you wonder

Are we doing this all wrong?

We live for ourselves and maybe we are all stuck in this painful infinity loop because we haven’t woken up from a slumber of selfishness and self serve to realize that we are here for each other. 

There’s few days I open my eyes and not question my existence 

Fewer still when I don’t regret my birth

But constant is my thought that there literally no point in my life I wish to return to 

I embrace my role and can’t wait to serve my purpose maybe then I’ll know peace

All of this can’t be for nothing

Divided we remain due to ignorance