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Truth is 

So I’m not worth your time at my heaviest 
But I’m worth your time now that I’m slimmer 

I’m not as slim as your preference so you propose fuck buddy

I’m not yet beautiful enough to meet your standard of beauty 

I must have pathetic low self esteem cum dumpster written on my forehead

For you to think it alright to approach me this way 

Well the truth is at my worst I was way out of your league 

And now that I’m getting my shit together you aren’t even worth the courtesy of a response 

Much less the three minutes of sweat your advertising

The truth is I know my worth and my value and I shan’t be sharing any parts of my awesome 

with you.

So take my lack of response as the most respectful decline to your offer that I can muster.
To the fuckboy who messaged me

From Goddess Hannah 

My language, translation included 

They say that knowing is half of the battle

but what exactly does that mean?

Every relationship, encounter or experience is an opportunity to learn and grow

I have learned that I am stubborn, passionate, vulnerable, flawed, hurt, damaged, strong willed and I am currently running on borrowed inner strength.

I have learned that I have a want to be loved and liked by those that matter, I love hard and I do everything in my power to show my love, I have abandonment issues, I am terrified that I won’t be able to have a family of my own one day, I am worried that marriage may not be an outcome for me and I wont find the person who deserves all of my love and what I have to offer.

I have learned that I have to be fearless in order to not have to face my fears.

I have learned that all of these things have come together inside of me and I have formed my own language.

My “I am fines, nothing is wrong,” is a cry for help and love

My saying I don’t want children is because its a lot easier than admitting that I may not have a say in the matter.

My saying that I am fine being a lone and relationships aren’t for everyone, and marriage is over rated is my way of saying that I am afraid that I may not find the one and I should get used to being alone.

Me choking on my emotions and telling people to stop being emotional is my way of saying, I have been hurt so many times that if I allow myself to feel in any capacity that it will overwhelm. I need to keep it bottled, I can’t allow myself to feel or grief.

I hurt so easily, I pretend nothing phases me but a lot hurts, a lot is chipping away at me; but I have to be strong, I have to be cool, I have to be that symbol of inspiration. I can’t let my friends and family see me being human…. being human is not a luxury afforded to me.

I have over time developed a complicated language layered in fears, insecurity and wrapped in pain, stamped damaged.

My biggest fear is not finding the one who can translate and understand

The one that is patient enough to kiss the stamp, see the pain and embrace me and once unwrapped get through the layers and find me at the center of the chaos, stand by me and love me all the more for what they have seen.

I don’t want to pretend anymore and I just want to be and let my guard down, I need to be human and know its ok.

Until then, I will wait ….for the one I feel safe enough around to take down my defenses, and let see the real me.

The purpose 

Why am I here?

What stars aligned to bring about my birth?

Everyone has that hallmark response that everything happens for a reason or purpose 

But what is that? And what the fuck does it actually mean?!

Because if you think about it all the good and bad occurred for you to benefit another

So the abuse, the molestation, the heartache and suffering……

All the pain was to benefit another?!!

Which makes you wonder

Are we doing this all wrong?

We live for ourselves and maybe we are all stuck in this painful infinity loop because we haven’t woken up from a slumber of selfishness and self serve to realize that we are here for each other. 

There’s few days I open my eyes and not question my existence 

Fewer still when I don’t regret my birth

But constant is my thought that there literally no point in my life I wish to return to 

I embrace my role and can’t wait to serve my purpose maybe then I’ll know peace

All of this can’t be for nothing

Divided we remain due to ignorance 

Hope

When we were together it was magic in its purest form

When we separated, it was devastating. The two of us lost our halves 

Our hearts ripped in two

Sure we stayed friends 

As time went on I met another, in that other I thought I was complete again

Your heart reached out to mine but my pain and immaturity pushed it away

And as time went on my other went away

Now the seasons changed and a new year dawns, the tables have turned and it is now you who have an other 

My heart screams to yours and every fiber of my being

But it is now I who needs to understand and respect and let this whatever it is be.

For if your truly meant to be, we will be.

Until then be happy, be loved it is the only solace I can find in all this pain.

The only hope I have is that you find happiness if not your way back to me.

It’s the only hope that’s left in me

Love always 

And I will forever be your 

Munchichi

Calm

What are you looking for? They ask

Nothing is my response 

Don’t you miss…..yknow…..

Yknow…what? I ask confused 

Don’t you miss having uh…sex? Like don’t you get urges?

Urges, well everyone has those silly but having sex, while great I can’t say I miss, I replied 

Huh?!? That’s crazy! That doesn’t make sense! they exclaimed 

Well to you maybe not but to me it makes perfect sense. Sex to me is a beautiful act, two souls intertwined, exchanging energy while passions run wild, as you reach a new level of bliss and is this beautiful moment you are most vulnerable. So why compromise yourself because you can’t control your urges?

As the last word escapes my lips a deafening silence falls

Moments later 

But do you ever stop and wonder if your thinking to much into it?

Nope because I feel calm and at peace, have you by chance ever stopped to thinking of your not putting enough thought into it?

My friend shakes her head after informing me that I’m tripping and I smile as I watch her walk away. Is it worth it I wonder?

Sacrificing yourself and a potentially solid relationship just for sex …..

To each their own 

Closing Thoughts 

True love doesn’t fail, it simply endures and flourishes. So keeping that in mind, if you try and try with someone  but to no avail; then my friend it wasn’t love and your now burdened with the reality that you have no idea what love is.