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Calm

What are you looking for? They ask

Nothing is my response 

Don’t you miss…..yknow…..

Yknow…what? I ask confused 

Don’t you miss having uh…sex? Like don’t you get urges?

Urges, well everyone has those silly but having sex, while great I can’t say I miss, I replied 

Huh?!? That’s crazy! That doesn’t make sense! they exclaimed 

Well to you maybe not but to me it makes perfect sense. Sex to me is a beautiful act, two souls intertwined, exchanging energy while passions run wild, as you reach a new level of bliss and is this beautiful moment you are most vulnerable. So why compromise yourself because you can’t control your urges?

As the last word escapes my lips a deafening silence falls

Moments later 

But do you ever stop and wonder if your thinking to much into it?

Nope because I feel calm and at peace, have you by chance ever stopped to thinking of your not putting enough thought into it?

My friend shakes her head after informing me that I’m tripping and I smile as I watch her walk away. Is it worth it I wonder?

Sacrificing yourself and a potentially solid relationship just for sex …..

To each their own 

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Closing Thoughts 

True love doesn’t fail, it simply endures and flourishes. So keeping that in mind, if you try and try with someone  but to no avail; then my friend it wasn’t love and your now burdened with the reality that you have no idea what love is. 

Never ending battle 

​Life is all about change and evolution 

Events can bring out the light within, or call forth the darkness to consume you. 

It’s easy to give in, letting dismay and misfortune touch your heart outting the flame within 

Giving the darkness the upper hand 

Feeding it…. Nurturing it…. 

Until your no better than those you once looked down upon. 

Your vengeance and hate will scorch the earth and those you touch, will pray and beg for death….

Cursing the stars that aligned to bring your paths to cross one another. 

You will not be forgotten. 

As bright as the light once was, lies a darkness like none other waiting for it’s chance. 

What will you do?

Which will you choose? 

We think these questions simple and the answer plain 

Life will answer for us all

For me, when such a time comes… I hope on that day it’s the light that wins. 

Chaos theory I

I have felt moments of earth shattering sadness, and couldn’t explain why. I could be having the best day of my life and then like a 5 ton weight, out of nowhere; I’m hit with this soul crushing sadness.
Then I started to think, if roughly 105 people die every minute and 4 people are born every minute…..

Then what if someone you were yet to meet, but were denied that experience due to their passing?

Just think for a second you haven’t met them but spiritually your picking up on their life energy and when it ceases to exist in its physical form, mentally you can’t comprehend it but spiritually your feeling that loss; hence the sadness that follows. It’s the only explanation I could think of.

Just think about it, open your mind and entertain that thought for a second.

Complex

Today in a conversation, a rather intimate one at that; I shared stories of my past and childhood. I shared memories I had not thought on in quite sometime. Questions were asked, seemingly insensitive ones I might add. However the one question that hit me was, do you think you have developed a complex because of past events?

This caused me to pause for a bit, I struggled to think of a response to such a direct question. I placed my phone on the counter, as I stood in silence. I took a deep breath, and exhaled and a heavy traffic of words poured into my mind. Still I stood frozen, trying find the best way to articulate my feelings. I was in a trance of my thoughts.

Then the most perfect string of words rung through clear as day. Sure it was a bit rough and seemingly unrefined but it was by far the most honest response I could offer.

“Life happens, people can be shitty. I feel we are dealt a hand of cards sometimes it’s great and sometimes it’s Shit. That’s how I rationalize it.  Nothing will ever happen negative to an individual without leaving scars,  deep ones at that. However we can’t let the world know whats wrong, now can we?  So you smile and pretend nothing is wrong. People like you better that way. If I for once let myself be a person instead of catering to others people wouldn’t like me or think as highly of me as they do.”

This comment, brought about a deafening silence in our messages. It was as if my words stunned him. I placed my phone down, and sat in silence for a while. My phone rang moments later, with his response. It appears my answer pleased him, he was content with my reply.

I can’t say for sure if my intent was to cater to him and respond in kind, however it worked out all the same. With that, I sad my good byes and logged off, there was a lot that weighed heavy on my mind.

Who Am I To Say

Recently a very distressed friend shared a predicament and based off the information provided it seems that the partner in question is not being very honest and might be being dishonest. This issue was openly discussed in group text, some of the responses were supportive and others were neither here nor there. As I poured through the messages, deliberating on my response something caught my eye. It was probably the most honest and sincere I have seen in all 43 of the comments posted.

“I know I accept my fair share of bullshit, so I am in no place to offer advice; but I can also open a proper can of ass whooping”

This comment said so much, using very little words. I know it doesn’t look like much but to me it was heavy. I myself accept a lot and just like others in the post was willing to add my judgmental; and somewhat angry two cents.

I wanted to say to call this mystery person whom I have never met a litany of colorful names, instead I sat there speechless with phone in hand. The fire that once burned angrily in my belly slowly began to die down; and in its place smoldering ash.

The truth and harsh reality of the situation is, I have no right to speak; when I myself am going through some shit. I sit here day in and day out, messaging the world and distracting myself with family; because I lack the strength to deal with my own mess.

I recently moved, leaving family and friends and a seemingly decent relationship of four years and six months. The days that led up to my untimely departure, were depressing and sad. My goodbye bitter, and remorseful; we agreed to stay with one another and agreed upon communication arrangements. I hoped for more time together but he had business with is friends and I just had to “understand”, not once could I be mad. Apparently wanting to spend the last two weeks before you move with your boyfriend is selfish. I was told that reacting to this made me seem irrational and selfish and pushed him away.However from where I sat, he seemed pretty far gone already; no help needed there.

Every day his phone was alive with messages, the messages started early and didn’t end until sometime the next day; allowing a hour or two at best reprieve in between communications. Low chuckles filled the room, quick glances and quicker responses, I wanted to know but wanted to not over step boundaries. I wanted to respect his privacy, after all no one wants to be the “crazy girlfriend”; that’s some how worse than being the neighborhood whore.

It wasn’t long before his presence at home dwindled from little to not at all. I mean sure he returned the next day but I never quite knew his whereabouts. To be fair, I was so suspicious about his behavior I wouldn’t have believed him anyways.

Well now I am sixteen hours away and I can barely get a hold of him on the phone and I miss him despite my last moments. The knowledge of my seemingly grim situation set in. Yes I stayed, yes a part of me feels like it can go some where and yes it would hurt me more to break up with him than it would to stay and deal with this….what ever it is.

Anyways this is what I thought on as I read that post and the comments that followed, I came to the conclusion that some things are best left unsaid and I should figure my life out before attempting to help others. After all what could I possibly have to offer, I pour my heart and soul into someone and I can’t even say without great uncertainty if he loves me.

I figured he would call, or text or video chat to say the least after all he cried when I left and told me how he didn’t want me to go. Perhaps it was all a grand performance, staged to lure me into a false sense of security….or maybe I am just too paranoid and potentially ruining my relationship….who knows. One thing is for sure my head is in a bad place, I cannot sort out fact from my strange paranoia, but to be fair years of mind games will do a number on you.

I need to seek spiritual guidance and a prayer/long conversation with God may help me gain some insight on my situation. As for my friend I wish them the best and that they choose the path that is most beneficial to them; relationships are hard and stressful and no one knows whats best for you but you.

 

Insomnia chronicles 1 (technically 2)

There is nothing worse than knowing that nothing is safe, i mean you can change the passwords but anyone worth their salt can still figure it out.

My privacy has been violated, and my computer compromised by someone I thought I could trust; someone I thought respected and loved me enough to leave well enough alone.

I get it you don’t like how I view you, but why not change? be the man I used to admire and couldn’t stand to be apart from. I remember there was once a time that we had fun, we didn’t argue and I remember you commented on that. Do you remember? Although a lot of time has passed since, I remember it like it was yesterday.

something changed, and I remember when it first took place and I said “babe you aren’t just using me to fill the loneliness you feel are you? Because that would suck because I actually love and care about you” and you assured me that this wasn’t the case

Here we are present day and I have learned that my suspicions are true which explains everything you do.

Why am I still here, you ask? well I guess I am not ready to let go. I am sure that you knowing this will take advantage of me and it will not end well.

Side note: If you are reading this stop fucking with my shit when I am not home. I’m serious, I respect your shit so respect mine. You don’t like what I say then talk to me and fix it.