Truth is 

So I’m not worth your time at my heaviest 
But I’m worth your time now that I’m slimmer 

I’m not as slim as your preference so you propose fuck buddy

I’m not yet beautiful enough to meet your standard of beauty 

I must have pathetic low self esteem cum dumpster written on my forehead

For you to think it alright to approach me this way 

Well the truth is at my worst I was way out of your league 

And now that I’m getting my shit together you aren’t even worth the courtesy of a response 

Much less the three minutes of sweat your advertising

The truth is I know my worth and my value and I shan’t be sharing any parts of my awesome 

with you.

So take my lack of response as the most respectful decline to your offer that I can muster.
To the fuckboy who messaged me

From Goddess Hannah 

Life’s too short 

We all have a uniqueness about us that makes us extraordinary 

That in wake of our flaws cause us to shine brightest and ultimately sets apart from one another 

Why spend another moment pretending to be something your not?

Why not embrace yourself in its beautiful entirety?

Find your gifts 

Find your strength 

Find your love for yourself and watch how beautiful you become and how prosperous your growth is.

I just woke this morning filled with this beautiful message and I wanted to share this with everyone. 

I love you all, be loved and be blessed 

Advice to live by

Annoyance becomes a fondnessHate reveals deepest love 

Distance shows how much you want to reconnect 

And these things can easily be reversed 
The point is never stop being the person you both fell in love with
Learn to work on things as a team

It takes two
You can be lazy and lose it all or suck it up and make it work because there was a time you couldn’t stand to be a part and your heartbeats in sync
To wait until all is lost to realize what you had and too little too late to try and get that back
Your heart will tell you to say everything you never did and your mind realizing the folly of past actions will consign on all the shenanigans your heart drives you to do.
You find someone honest and loving do not lose it because a real genuine love literally comes once in a life time. 
Learn from the mistakes of the stupid, lost and lonely souls. Hold on to your happiness 

My language, translation included 

They say that knowing is half of the battle

but what exactly does that mean?

Every relationship, encounter or experience is an opportunity to learn and grow

I have learned that I am stubborn, passionate, vulnerable, flawed, hurt, damaged, strong willed and I am currently running on borrowed inner strength.

I have learned that I have a want to be loved and liked by those that matter, I love hard and I do everything in my power to show my love, I have abandonment issues, I am terrified that I won’t be able to have a family of my own one day, I am worried that marriage may not be an outcome for me and I wont find the person who deserves all of my love and what I have to offer.

I have learned that I have to be fearless in order to not have to face my fears.

I have learned that all of these things have come together inside of me and I have formed my own language.

My “I am fines, nothing is wrong,” is a cry for help and love

My saying I don’t want children is because its a lot easier than admitting that I may not have a say in the matter.

My saying that I am fine being a lone and relationships aren’t for everyone, and marriage is over rated is my way of saying that I am afraid that I may not find the one and I should get used to being alone.

Me choking on my emotions and telling people to stop being emotional is my way of saying, I have been hurt so many times that if I allow myself to feel in any capacity that it will overwhelm. I need to keep it bottled, I can’t allow myself to feel or grief.

I hurt so easily, I pretend nothing phases me but a lot hurts, a lot is chipping away at me; but I have to be strong, I have to be cool, I have to be that symbol of inspiration. I can’t let my friends and family see me being human…. being human is not a luxury afforded to me.

I have over time developed a complicated language layered in fears, insecurity and wrapped in pain, stamped damaged.

My biggest fear is not finding the one who can translate and understand

The one that is patient enough to kiss the stamp, see the pain and embrace me and once unwrapped get through the layers and find me at the center of the chaos, stand by me and love me all the more for what they have seen.

I don’t want to pretend anymore and I just want to be and let my guard down, I need to be human and know its ok.

Until then, I will wait ….for the one I feel safe enough around to take down my defenses, and let see the real me.

The purpose 

Why am I here?

What stars aligned to bring about my birth?

Everyone has that hallmark response that everything happens for a reason or purpose 

But what is that? And what the fuck does it actually mean?!

Because if you think about it all the good and bad occurred for you to benefit another

So the abuse, the molestation, the heartache and suffering……

All the pain was to benefit another?!!

Which makes you wonder

Are we doing this all wrong?

We live for ourselves and maybe we are all stuck in this painful infinity loop because we haven’t woken up from a slumber of selfishness and self serve to realize that we are here for each other. 

There’s few days I open my eyes and not question my existence 

Fewer still when I don’t regret my birth

But constant is my thought that there literally no point in my life I wish to return to 

I embrace my role and can’t wait to serve my purpose maybe then I’ll know peace

All of this can’t be for nothing

Divided we remain due to ignorance 

Cleanse

You see me as this awesome person, whose hurt and damaged 

You don’t place blame on me like you should and think me to be perfect 

You praise me for the “awesome girlfriend ” you think I was

But you’ve got it all wrong

Yes I loved you, but I didn’t communicate with you 

I wasn’t very patient and offered little understanding 

The truth is 

You were too good for me and better than I ever deserved 

Maybe that’s why I lost you 

Maybe that’s why we weren’t forever 

Maybe that’s why I’m stuck in a series of shitty partners 

Maybe that’s why even though I know your happy a part of me weeps because in your happiness comes my loneliness 

I get it now

You are my forever and that means my punishment is being lonely 

Living out my days defined by my accomplishments 

I know now what the path is that lies before me

As usual I understand and accept….it’s what I do best

I just needed to cleanse myself of misconceptions and falsehoods and expose myself for what I know to be truth.

Maybe in another life I’m happy and positive and we actually get to be 

Because in this life the stars have not aligned for it to be so.