Advice to live by

Annoyance becomes a fondnessHate reveals deepest love 

Distance shows how much you want to reconnect 

And these things can easily be reversed 
The point is never stop being the person you both fell in love with
Learn to work on things as a team

It takes two
You can be lazy and lose it all or suck it up and make it work because there was a time you couldn’t stand to be a part and your heartbeats in sync
To wait until all is lost to realize what you had and too little too late to try and get that back
Your heart will tell you to say everything you never did and your mind realizing the folly of past actions will consign on all the shenanigans your heart drives you to do.
You find someone honest and loving do not lose it because a real genuine love literally comes once in a life time. 
Learn from the mistakes of the stupid, lost and lonely souls. Hold on to your happiness 

My language, translation included 

They say that knowing is half of the battle

but what exactly does that mean?

Every relationship, encounter or experience is an opportunity to learn and grow

I have learned that I am stubborn, passionate, vulnerable, flawed, hurt, damaged, strong willed and I am currently running on borrowed inner strength.

I have learned that I have a want to be loved and liked by those that matter, I love hard and I do everything in my power to show my love, I have abandonment issues, I am terrified that I won’t be able to have a family of my own one day, I am worried that marriage may not be an outcome for me and I wont find the person who deserves all of my love and what I have to offer.

I have learned that I have to be fearless in order to not have to face my fears.

I have learned that all of these things have come together inside of me and I have formed my own language.

My “I am fines, nothing is wrong,” is a cry for help and love

My saying I don’t want children is because its a lot easier than admitting that I may not have a say in the matter.

My saying that I am fine being a lone and relationships aren’t for everyone, and marriage is over rated is my way of saying that I am afraid that I may not find the one and I should get used to being alone.

Me choking on my emotions and telling people to stop being emotional is my way of saying, I have been hurt so many times that if I allow myself to feel in any capacity that it will overwhelm. I need to keep it bottled, I can’t allow myself to feel or grief.

I hurt so easily, I pretend nothing phases me but a lot hurts, a lot is chipping away at me; but I have to be strong, I have to be cool, I have to be that symbol of inspiration. I can’t let my friends and family see me being human…. being human is not a luxury afforded to me.

I have over time developed a complicated language layered in fears, insecurity and wrapped in pain, stamped damaged.

My biggest fear is not finding the one who can translate and understand

The one that is patient enough to kiss the stamp, see the pain and embrace me and once unwrapped get through the layers and find me at the center of the chaos, stand by me and love me all the more for what they have seen.

I don’t want to pretend anymore and I just want to be and let my guard down, I need to be human and know its ok.

Until then, I will wait ….for the one I feel safe enough around to take down my defenses, and let see the real me.

The purpose 

Why am I here?

What stars aligned to bring about my birth?

Everyone has that hallmark response that everything happens for a reason or purpose 

But what is that? And what the fuck does it actually mean?!

Because if you think about it all the good and bad occurred for you to benefit another

So the abuse, the molestation, the heartache and suffering……

All the pain was to benefit another?!!

Which makes you wonder

Are we doing this all wrong?

We live for ourselves and maybe we are all stuck in this painful infinity loop because we haven’t woken up from a slumber of selfishness and self serve to realize that we are here for each other. 

There’s few days I open my eyes and not question my existence 

Fewer still when I don’t regret my birth

But constant is my thought that there literally no point in my life I wish to return to 

I embrace my role and can’t wait to serve my purpose maybe then I’ll know peace

All of this can’t be for nothing

Divided we remain due to ignorance 

Cleanse

You see me as this awesome person, whose hurt and damaged 

You don’t place blame on me like you should and think me to be perfect 

You praise me for the “awesome girlfriend ” you think I was

But you’ve got it all wrong

Yes I loved you, but I didn’t communicate with you 

I wasn’t very patient and offered little understanding 

The truth is 

You were too good for me and better than I ever deserved 

Maybe that’s why I lost you 

Maybe that’s why we weren’t forever 

Maybe that’s why I’m stuck in a series of shitty partners 

Maybe that’s why even though I know your happy a part of me weeps because in your happiness comes my loneliness 

I get it now

You are my forever and that means my punishment is being lonely 

Living out my days defined by my accomplishments 

I know now what the path is that lies before me

As usual I understand and accept….it’s what I do best

I just needed to cleanse myself of misconceptions and falsehoods and expose myself for what I know to be truth.

Maybe in another life I’m happy and positive and we actually get to be 

Because in this life the stars have not aligned for it to be so.

Hope

When we were together it was magic in its purest form

When we separated, it was devastating. The two of us lost our halves 

Our hearts ripped in two

Sure we stayed friends 

As time went on I met another, in that other I thought I was complete again

Your heart reached out to mine but my pain and immaturity pushed it away

And as time went on my other went away

Now the seasons changed and a new year dawns, the tables have turned and it is now you who have an other 

My heart screams to yours and every fiber of my being

But it is now I who needs to understand and respect and let this whatever it is be.

For if your truly meant to be, we will be.

Until then be happy, be loved it is the only solace I can find in all this pain.

The only hope I have is that you find happiness if not your way back to me.

It’s the only hope that’s left in me

Love always 

And I will forever be your 

Munchichi

Calm

What are you looking for? They ask

Nothing is my response 

Don’t you miss…..yknow…..

Yknow…what? I ask confused 

Don’t you miss having uh…sex? Like don’t you get urges?

Urges, well everyone has those silly but having sex, while great I can’t say I miss, I replied 

Huh?!? That’s crazy! That doesn’t make sense! they exclaimed 

Well to you maybe not but to me it makes perfect sense. Sex to me is a beautiful act, two souls intertwined, exchanging energy while passions run wild, as you reach a new level of bliss and is this beautiful moment you are most vulnerable. So why compromise yourself because you can’t control your urges?

As the last word escapes my lips a deafening silence falls

Moments later 

But do you ever stop and wonder if your thinking to much into it?

Nope because I feel calm and at peace, have you by chance ever stopped to thinking of your not putting enough thought into it?

My friend shakes her head after informing me that I’m tripping and I smile as I watch her walk away. Is it worth it I wonder?

Sacrificing yourself and a potentially solid relationship just for sex …..

To each their own 

Challenge named king

I don’t like you

I’m intrigued by you

Captivated even

I look forward to our interactions because of the challenge it presents 

Love, infatuations and relationships have no place in my world

I haven’t the time or patience to entertain a partner 

But you my latest play thing I’ll be more than happy to accommodate 

Until we speak again stay charming.