Tag Archive | anger

My language, translation included 

They say that knowing is half of the battle

but what exactly does that mean?

Every relationship, encounter or experience is an opportunity to learn and grow

I have learned that I am stubborn, passionate, vulnerable, flawed, hurt, damaged, strong willed and I am currently running on borrowed inner strength.

I have learned that I have a want to be loved and liked by those that matter, I love hard and I do everything in my power to show my love, I have abandonment issues, I am terrified that I won’t be able to have a family of my own one day, I am worried that marriage may not be an outcome for me and I wont find the person who deserves all of my love and what I have to offer.

I have learned that I have to be fearless in order to not have to face my fears.

I have learned that all of these things have come together inside of me and I have formed my own language.

My “I am fines, nothing is wrong,” is a cry for help and love

My saying I don’t want children is because its a lot easier than admitting that I may not have a say in the matter.

My saying that I am fine being a lone and relationships aren’t for everyone, and marriage is over rated is my way of saying that I am afraid that I may not find the one and I should get used to being alone.

Me choking on my emotions and telling people to stop being emotional is my way of saying, I have been hurt so many times that if I allow myself to feel in any capacity that it will overwhelm. I need to keep it bottled, I can’t allow myself to feel or grief.

I hurt so easily, I pretend nothing phases me but a lot hurts, a lot is chipping away at me; but I have to be strong, I have to be cool, I have to be that symbol of inspiration. I can’t let my friends and family see me being human…. being human is not a luxury afforded to me.

I have over time developed a complicated language layered in fears, insecurity and wrapped in pain, stamped damaged.

My biggest fear is not finding the one who can translate and understand

The one that is patient enough to kiss the stamp, see the pain and embrace me and once unwrapped get through the layers and find me at the center of the chaos, stand by me and love me all the more for what they have seen.

I don’t want to pretend anymore and I just want to be and let my guard down, I need to be human and know its ok.

Until then, I will wait ….for the one I feel safe enough around to take down my defenses, and let see the real me.

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Lost treasure

“I know what’s wrong!” exclaimed my boyfriend,  and followed up with “trust, we don’t trust each other anymore ”
A quiet fell in the room, as I thought to myself “no duh!! Were you not here for the last year or so? ”

The silence was broken by his arrogant voice “I don’t know why you don’t trust me,  it’s not like I gave you a reason to not trust me”. His words had a smugness to it that completely disgusted me.

His words resonated with in me and brought a flood of memories, I’d not thought on quite some time. Moments of pain and depression that I hid with a smile, as I tried to act normal. Then more vividly than ever all the ways he has ever betrayed me and failed me as a partner.  It was like a movie of events were playing in my head.  I sat silent,  as I tried to rebottle all of my thoughts and feelings.  He continued his self righteous rant,  about how great he is and doesn’t deserve my attitude.  I let his voice fade from my awareness and trail off in to the background of my consciousness.  It wasn’t long before the sting of words brought me back to the current situation. “Your not even listening!?  Are you!? ” he said with an alarming amount of frustration.  I sat and stared blankly,  almost paralyzed by the situation.  I’m too tired to argue and fed up, I could respond in sarcasm as usual or simply let him have this moment.  I chose the latter of the two. I have been doing this for four years and I have grown weary. 

I wanted desperately to say, no scream “I DO NOT TRUST YOU!  YOU HAVE LIED BY OMISSION AND AT TIMES OUT RIGHT. YOU PRETTY MUCH FUCKED ANOTHER WOMEN IN FRONT OF ME AND CONFESSED THAT YOU WERE LOOKING FOR OTHER MORE COMPATIBLE MATES AFTER WE HAD BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR YEARS! AND THATS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG,  so to answer your question as to whether or not I trust you,  HELL FUCKING NO!!!!!  I’D BE A DUMBASS TO”

Instead I sat in silence, and stared.  He continued and then eventually got so frustrated he left.  I have grown used to this,  him being without fault and all the blame being on me. Him seldom being home. If you are wondering, yes I think he is cheating on me…. I just have not the proof to really have a sound argument. You text mystery people at all hours of the day and night,  I barely see you and to add insult to injury you keep hinting that your not ready for a committed relationship and you need space. So when I am brave enough I will give you all the space you need my love.

Trust is so precious, it’s hard to find and worst yet once lost damn near impossible to regain.

To my love, the man I’m unlucky enough to have love for; I sincerely hope it was worth it.