Tag Archive | awareness

Survival pt 1

Today I saw a therapist, which was weird for me. It was weird because in my mind it was pointless, I felt ridiculous for engaging in an exercise in futility. After all I tried this as a child and each response is the same. They delve into what is the perceived problem and then proceed to prescribe a potent medicine regiment designed to shut all of that shit down. So today I went in with the same expectation, in my mind I was ready. I trained myself to dismiss all that had been advised, I told myself to just go through the motions. 

I entered the office, I stood there sizing up the environment unsure of what to make of it all. As I stood there lost in thought, the doctor appeared and greeted me. The doctor walked me to his office, and asked me to take a seat I get comfortable; without thinking I removed my backpack and did as I was told. I crossed my legs, ready to block all the bullshit that was to come my way. 

The doctor took a seat and crossed his legs, notepad in hand; he smiled and informed me he’d be taking notes, he then asked if it were ok, confused I nodded, thinking to myself “what choice do I really have?”

The doctor smiled a friendly smile once more, and asked what brought me in today. I studied the face of this older stranger, released a heavy sigh and asked “where do I even begin?”. He said let’s start with this year, so I began to tell him of my 2017 existence. The frustration quickly built in my voice the more I spoke on it. This was weird to me because in my mind I thought it was all alright, but I guess it wasn’t. 

Once I finished regaling him of events passed, I said it frustrates me that I’m unable to be mad about any of it, I feel so broken and ridiculous. He asked me “is this normal?”. Well to me it’s been my life so yea it is. He was like how long has this been a thing, I shared it’s literally my life. He asked me to elaborate.

Again I did as instructed, smiling the whole time at my surreal existence, He asked “Do you know your crying ?”. Without thinking I touched me cheek in disbelief. I chuckled and said “that’s weird”. 

By the end of the session the doctor had surmised that I have been storing every all my trauma in a primitive portion of my brain, so when I am forced to relive those moments, it’s as fresh as if it happened that day. It makes the trauma more real to explain, its like I’m literally in that moment. 

When the session ended, I felt raw and more chaotic internally, but more receptive to the process.

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Complex

Today in a conversation, a rather intimate one at that; I shared stories of my past and childhood. I shared memories I had not thought on in quite sometime. Questions were asked, seemingly insensitive ones I might add. However the one question that hit me was, do you think you have developed a complex because of past events?

This caused me to pause for a bit, I struggled to think of a response to such a direct question. I placed my phone on the counter, as I stood in silence. I took a deep breath, and exhaled and a heavy traffic of words poured into my mind. Still I stood frozen, trying find the best way to articulate my feelings. I was in a trance of my thoughts.

Then the most perfect string of words rung through clear as day. Sure it was a bit rough and seemingly unrefined but it was by far the most honest response I could offer.

“Life happens, people can be shitty. I feel we are dealt a hand of cards sometimes it’s great and sometimes it’s Shit. That’s how I rationalize it.¬† Nothing will ever happen negative to an individual without leaving scars,¬† deep ones at that. However we can’t let the world know whats wrong, now can we?¬† So you smile and pretend nothing is wrong. People like you better that way. If I for once let myself be a person instead of catering to others people wouldn’t like me or think as highly of me as they do.”

This comment, brought about a deafening silence in our messages. It was as if my words stunned him. I placed my phone down, and sat in silence for a while. My phone rang moments later, with his response. It appears my answer pleased him, he was content with my reply.

I can’t say for sure if my intent was to cater to him and respond in kind, however it worked out all the same. With that, I sad my good byes and logged off, there was a lot that weighed heavy on my mind.

Insomnia chronicles 1 (technically 2)

There is nothing worse than knowing that nothing is safe, i mean you can change the passwords but anyone worth their salt can still figure it out.

My privacy has been violated, and my computer compromised by someone I thought I could trust; someone I thought respected and loved me enough to leave well enough alone.

I get it you don’t like how I view you, but why not change? be the man I used to admire and couldn’t stand to be apart from. I remember there was once a time that we had fun, we didn’t argue and I remember you commented on that. Do you remember? Although a lot of time has passed since, I remember it like it was yesterday.

something changed, and I remember when it first took place and I said “babe you aren’t just using me to fill the loneliness you feel are you? Because that would suck because I actually love and care about you” and you assured me that this wasn’t the case

Here we are present day and I have learned that my suspicions are true which explains everything you do.

Why am I still here, you ask? well I guess I am not ready to let go. I am sure that you knowing this will take advantage of me and it will not end well.

Side note: If you are reading this stop fucking with my shit when I am not home. I’m serious, I respect your shit so respect mine. You don’t like what I say then talk to me and fix it.

There’s Insanity In Love.

I sit here tormented by my thoughts and selfish needs

I want you and only you

I spend my time thoughts filled and preoccupied as my body yearns for your touch and your warmth

The only happiness I have ever known in a long time

I cling to you, unintentionally smothering you

You push back, wounding me in the process

My mind is telling me to leave you be but my heart you see compells me otherwise

you push back harder and harder, your words become unsure and uncertain

I see what you refuse to

the two of us a drift on the tattered remains of our relationship

the distance growing with each passing moment

Unwanted, hurt, betrayed, rejected, and alone I lay at night

Betrayed because I am not enough, I cannot share the moments and thoughts with you

You need more, and at night you go out to get your fill

Here I lay trying not to smother you more than I have already done

Time passes

the thoughts of your absence and new found social life echoes in mind

depression and abandonment settles in

I act drastically

sure I have your attention now but at what price

the want, validation and attention I sought out i gained

but at what price

your hurt, irreparably so

What I once thought to be damaged was unharmed and stronger than ever

in my madness I took a sledge hammer to the walls and foundation of the house

that was once a beautiful metaphor for our relationship

and I alone single-handedly brought it to ruin

now here I stand in the wreckage

face stained with tears with one question in my mind

“was it all worth it?”

the answer

“no”

Nothing is worth the price of your happiness

It was i that betrayed, hurt and abandoned you

You tried your hardest and I repaid your attempts with betrayal and selfishness.

I can never apologize enough

You will always be too good for me.

I will never deserve you, the amazing man that you are

one should never treat a blessing so poorly.

I just hope one day you can forgive me

and that

one day we can return to what we once were.

-Hannah

One of those nights

I normally go to sleep around 11pm…..on a good night, other nights however I find myself wide awake. So to pass the time, I either lay awake in the dark calm of my room, with my boyfriend tossing and turning beside me or do things. My favorite things to do in order clean, watch anime or mischief. Sadly tonight I am in neither mood so I am left with mischief. My mischief normally consists of me making chat accounts with suggestive pictures as the profile, to ensure a speedy response followed by the most distasteful of conversations.

I know that my boyfriend would disapprove, no matter how innocent my idea of play was and this fact alone made it more fun. The chats would be filled with promises of lewd acts, and empty promises; hours would pass by and eventually we’d say our goodbyes. Every encounter given a phony name, my last ditch effort to cover my tracks and keep my identity secret. These chats excited me in ways I have never felt before. I don’t know if it was the indecency of the conversation or the fact that it was forbidden that excited me more; maybe it was a little of both.

Most of the conversations started off with the men/women confessing their loneliness,and how long its been since they last sexual relations of any nature and quickly escalated into what could be described as extreme erotica, with a stranger and myself as the author. I spent a great deal of time on these chats, gathering regulars who eagerly and hungrily greeted me once my light turned green next to my username; indicating that I am online. I grew accustom to this and it became my routine.

Tonight I logged on as I had done many nights before, and one of my favorites had disappeared. This troubled me, why? I couldn’t rationally explain. Maybe I had gotten attached and was unaware? Maybe I had secretly wanted to carry out these acts with this stranger? or maybe I was simply reacting at all because deep down I am a child and I felt as though someone took away my favorite play thing. Who knows. I continued to search for my favorite toy, but to my dismay nothing. It was if it never existed.

Determined not to have this ruined my night I attempted to duplicate this sexually charged exchange with another. Sadly it wasn’t the same. I logged off, too upset and disappointed to say goodbye. I sat in my room this time with the lights on, frustrated beyond comprehension. Again my boyfriend tossed and turned, moaning fretfully and snoring gently every so often in his sleep. I turn to wordpress, my outlet. Even though I have no more to say on the matter, I am still not satisfied. This will have to do as it is now 3:19am, and I do have to work today. *sigh* it is indeed one of those nights.

Matters of the heart

Relationships start off strong, full of love and promise, and the possibilities; some stay this way while others fall stale and stagnant. The problems which once seemed so small become insurmountable mountains of doom, driving cracks in to the very foundation of your relationship; and those crack become rifts that engulf everything you once had into darkness. Now hate , resentment and pain fill you; love has no meaning to you and all you can see is your hurt, it consumes you. The intoxication of love has left you and is your coming down from a terrible high, your heart races and thoughts become irrational. You part ways, yet your thoughts return to that person, you call it hate; it hurts too much to call it love.

You think to yourself “if only they would change? things would be perfect” . Every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year, you think of this love-able fool. You date other people, and despite the company you keep; every fiber of your being is calling to them. The one who shan’t be named. The separation took way more out of you than you care to admit. A bond once so deep words couldn’t describe, just gone. Your connection going back to childhood. When your relationship began, seeds of friendship over time grew and blossomed into beautiful flowers of love. Sadly all of this wasn’t enough to stop the outcome that unfolded. Parting ways, felt like someone had taken my body and ripped it in two, then my heart and finally my soul. Yes a part of you is gone and forever shall remain with them. Sadly the love you have for them is too great, and you are powerless to reclaim it.

So I wonder now, was it really for the best? could things not have been different? Again i sit here wondering aloud his time, why couldn’t you change? People say they love others flaws and all, to them I say… no shout LIAR!

There are some flaws too great for love to overcome. Thoughts plague my mind, if you loved me just why couldn’t you change for me. After all it hurt me more in the long run. I can’t ever tell you these things, simply professing my heart here is more than I care to bare; sadly I need to get these feelings out. I feel like I am going to explode. I know you wouldn’t understand and couldn’t understand, it was after all me who stopped fighting for us and what seemed my decision alone to part ways. You may no longer thing of me as I do you, you may find me cruel for my cold goodbye; had you known me the way you claimed you would know its the only thing I could do to keep myself from falling apart. You were the foundation and pillars to my life and without you everything is that much heavier. You aren’t a bad person, you just don’t know how to love and be with another. I wish I didn’t love you, but sadly I did and always will.

My friends and step-dad tell me in time it will all get better, I hope and pray to God they are right. Sometime I think you are my soul-mate, and our connection is tested. When I am my saddest you message me as if you felt my pain.

Yes I love you that much will remain true. I always will wonder, was my choice the right one, what if in my impatience I lost something good. Still 6+ years is a long time to be with someone and see no results.

Relationship Rants “Meeting the Parents”

So there comes the inevitable time in a relationship when I guess its expected that your significant other and your family meet, specifically your parents. Now it’d be nice if they can meet the whole family but what is of importance is meet the parents. This topic is preoccupying my thoughts, as the question was recently asked. I sat down and logically weighed my situation, sure I loved this person flaws and all and in a perfect world would love for him to meet my parents; however my very realistic fear is they won’t receive him as well as I have. I say all this to say, why is it so important? you know, the act of meeting ones parent and why is it by discouraging such acts you are then viewed as the bad guy for doing so.

In some case the meeting of the parents can make or break the situation, is that my case? I would like to say I am a strong women and nothing can ruin this! but realistically speaking I haven’t even told my parents that I am bisexual; there is just somethings you cant share with family.

I know some of you are like “you won’t know until you try”, well my family doesn’t really value one another and is quick to judge so……I think I will pass. I know there are others that will probably say something like “with family like that who needs them anyway”. The answer is I do. i have been alone for years and have been in terrible situations none like my childhood but bad all the same; and the worst thing in the world is knowing you are alone.

I know that if my mom meets him, based off my understanding of her she wont receive him well. She wont leave me alone about him until I break up with him, and yes despite our history together I still need her approval and acceptance. I very much value the brownie points and other of praise I can get from her.

Strike one was meeting my stepdad, and now my stepdad says fun things like “are you still with that character?”. Strike two when he wouldn’t say hello to my brothers. I can’t allow a strike three.

So…….

I guess it’s decided, they can never meet.