Tag Archive | betrayal

Midnight thoughts

Here I sit awake thinking

To myself, of all that I once thought

To be certain for sure

As I reflect on a previous conversation

That gave me pause

For the man I once thought

Constant and sure said something rather

Peculiar to me earlier today

Logical but peculiar, and normally

I wouldn’t have given it much thought

But in light of recent events I can’t help

But think that maybe there’s more to it.

He said “I don’t know what the next six months has in store for us, I mean …I hope our relationship grows and blossoms but no one knows for sure”.

Which is a far cry from his original statement where he stated “no matter what we would be together”.

But then again, he’s more secretive with his phone, looks at other girls I’m sure he thinks are prettier and I can’t help but ask myself why is he still here?? Is this just something in the meantime?? Or until he’s bored??? I dunno??? Only time will tell.

The question I keep asking myself is, why do I even bother to love??? Is he worth it??? Why did our paths cross?? What is the point of all this???

Like he proposed to me !?! For what just to act as though he’s still single!?!

Should we continue is this to be my life, feeling unattractive and not enough because at the end of the day hes always going to look at other girls on his page, and snap chat and friends list.

His reason is porn, he actually told me he needed to get hard so he looked up his friends naked picture to get hard enough to fuck me!!!!

I guess my exposed body wasn’t enough! I have never felt so unattractive in my life.

Like how would he feel if sat there gawking at my hot, tall, super packing, buff guy friends in my little groups and snap chats and shit to get in the mood to fuck him!?

Oh and then when I go to fuck him the wetness from the visual treat of my social media friends is ruined by the sight of him, because that’s pretty much what he told me when he said his boner went away looking at me after he looked at his snap chat whores and sluts.

He never looks at me the way he looks at them and when I send him pics he gets irritated, and it’s like if you don’t want to see me then like why the fuck are you even with me and hanging around!?!

I can send any straight guy a million pictures from any angle and they love it all, and never tire at the sight but him, he doesn’t even bother to look at them when I send….jut closes the chat. So m trying be cute and sexy is a waste, me doing my hair a fucking waste …not like he cares enough to notice and or comment preemptively, me doing anything is a fucking waste, unless I’m fucking cooking it’s a waste and will go unnoticed unless I bring it to his attention and ask. Guys out in the street notice but my fucking oblivious fiancee, he makes me feel sooooooooo sexy and special and wanted…..sike. jeez no wonder sex is a chore for him and I have to hound him for it. He can regal me of these epic stories of bitches past with these crazy sessions and I have to damned near beg….it’s because he’s obviously not attracted to me and it took me this long to realize it…..wow I feel really really stupid right now…..this is a new and uncomfortable feeling me, I don’t like it.

But then it begs the question what’s wrong with me that I have someone around that constantly makes me feel this way and tells me this is something I’m going to have to deal with while they work on doing better….

This I thought to be a child’s response.

Fuck me, what the fuck am I to fucking do !!!!!

I can’t even sleep, I’m so frustrated and upset like words can’t even explain.

Well that’s all for now. Goodnight guys and for those that follow, thank you and have a great night.

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There’s Insanity In Love.

I sit here tormented by my thoughts and selfish needs

I want you and only you

I spend my time thoughts filled and preoccupied as my body yearns for your touch and your warmth

The only happiness I have ever known in a long time

I cling to you, unintentionally smothering you

You push back, wounding me in the process

My mind is telling me to leave you be but my heart you see compells me otherwise

you push back harder and harder, your words become unsure and uncertain

I see what you refuse to

the two of us a drift on the tattered remains of our relationship

the distance growing with each passing moment

Unwanted, hurt, betrayed, rejected, and alone I lay at night

Betrayed because I am not enough, I cannot share the moments and thoughts with you

You need more, and at night you go out to get your fill

Here I lay trying not to smother you more than I have already done

Time passes

the thoughts of your absence and new found social life echoes in mind

depression and abandonment settles in

I act drastically

sure I have your attention now but at what price

the want, validation and attention I sought out i gained

but at what price

your hurt, irreparably so

What I once thought to be damaged was unharmed and stronger than ever

in my madness I took a sledge hammer to the walls and foundation of the house

that was once a beautiful metaphor for our relationship

and I alone single-handedly brought it to ruin

now here I stand in the wreckage

face stained with tears with one question in my mind

“was it all worth it?”

the answer

“no”

Nothing is worth the price of your happiness

It was i that betrayed, hurt and abandoned you

You tried your hardest and I repaid your attempts with betrayal and selfishness.

I can never apologize enough

You will always be too good for me.

I will never deserve you, the amazing man that you are

one should never treat a blessing so poorly.

I just hope one day you can forgive me

and that

one day we can return to what we once were.

-Hannah