Tag Archive | boredom

Survival pt 1

Today I saw a therapist, which was weird for me. It was weird because in my mind it was pointless, I felt ridiculous for engaging in an exercise in futility. After all I tried this as a child and each response is the same. They delve into what is the perceived problem and then proceed to prescribe a potent medicine regiment designed to shut all of that shit down. So today I went in with the same expectation, in my mind I was ready. I trained myself to dismiss all that had been advised, I told myself to just go through the motions. 

I entered the office, I stood there sizing up the environment unsure of what to make of it all. As I stood there lost in thought, the doctor appeared and greeted me. The doctor walked me to his office, and asked me to take a seat I get comfortable; without thinking I removed my backpack and did as I was told. I crossed my legs, ready to block all the bullshit that was to come my way. 

The doctor took a seat and crossed his legs, notepad in hand; he smiled and informed me he’d be taking notes, he then asked if it were ok, confused I nodded, thinking to myself “what choice do I really have?”

The doctor smiled a friendly smile once more, and asked what brought me in today. I studied the face of this older stranger, released a heavy sigh and asked “where do I even begin?”. He said let’s start with this year, so I began to tell him of my 2017 existence. The frustration quickly built in my voice the more I spoke on it. This was weird to me because in my mind I thought it was all alright, but I guess it wasn’t. 

Once I finished regaling him of events passed, I said it frustrates me that I’m unable to be mad about any of it, I feel so broken and ridiculous. He asked me “is this normal?”. Well to me it’s been my life so yea it is. He was like how long has this been a thing, I shared it’s literally my life. He asked me to elaborate.

Again I did as instructed, smiling the whole time at my surreal existence, He asked “Do you know your crying ?”. Without thinking I touched me cheek in disbelief. I chuckled and said “that’s weird”. 

By the end of the session the doctor had surmised that I have been storing every all my trauma in a primitive portion of my brain, so when I am forced to relive those moments, it’s as fresh as if it happened that day. It makes the trauma more real to explain, its like I’m literally in that moment. 

When the session ended, I felt raw and more chaotic internally, but more receptive to the process.

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My language, translation included 

They say that knowing is half of the battle

but what exactly does that mean?

Every relationship, encounter or experience is an opportunity to learn and grow

I have learned that I am stubborn, passionate, vulnerable, flawed, hurt, damaged, strong willed and I am currently running on borrowed inner strength.

I have learned that I have a want to be loved and liked by those that matter, I love hard and I do everything in my power to show my love, I have abandonment issues, I am terrified that I won’t be able to have a family of my own one day, I am worried that marriage may not be an outcome for me and I wont find the person who deserves all of my love and what I have to offer.

I have learned that I have to be fearless in order to not have to face my fears.

I have learned that all of these things have come together inside of me and I have formed my own language.

My “I am fines, nothing is wrong,” is a cry for help and love

My saying I don’t want children is because its a lot easier than admitting that I may not have a say in the matter.

My saying that I am fine being a lone and relationships aren’t for everyone, and marriage is over rated is my way of saying that I am afraid that I may not find the one and I should get used to being alone.

Me choking on my emotions and telling people to stop being emotional is my way of saying, I have been hurt so many times that if I allow myself to feel in any capacity that it will overwhelm. I need to keep it bottled, I can’t allow myself to feel or grief.

I hurt so easily, I pretend nothing phases me but a lot hurts, a lot is chipping away at me; but I have to be strong, I have to be cool, I have to be that symbol of inspiration. I can’t let my friends and family see me being human…. being human is not a luxury afforded to me.

I have over time developed a complicated language layered in fears, insecurity and wrapped in pain, stamped damaged.

My biggest fear is not finding the one who can translate and understand

The one that is patient enough to kiss the stamp, see the pain and embrace me and once unwrapped get through the layers and find me at the center of the chaos, stand by me and love me all the more for what they have seen.

I don’t want to pretend anymore and I just want to be and let my guard down, I need to be human and know its ok.

Until then, I will wait ….for the one I feel safe enough around to take down my defenses, and let see the real me.

Insomnia chronicles 1 (technically 2)

There is nothing worse than knowing that nothing is safe, i mean you can change the passwords but anyone worth their salt can still figure it out.

My privacy has been violated, and my computer compromised by someone I thought I could trust; someone I thought respected and loved me enough to leave well enough alone.

I get it you don’t like how I view you, but why not change? be the man I used to admire and couldn’t stand to be apart from. I remember there was once a time that we had fun, we didn’t argue and I remember you commented on that. Do you remember? Although a lot of time has passed since, I remember it like it was yesterday.

something changed, and I remember when it first took place and I said “babe you aren’t just using me to fill the loneliness you feel are you? Because that would suck because I actually love and care about you” and you assured me that this wasn’t the case

Here we are present day and I have learned that my suspicions are true which explains everything you do.

Why am I still here, you ask? well I guess I am not ready to let go. I am sure that you knowing this will take advantage of me and it will not end well.

Side note: If you are reading this stop fucking with my shit when I am not home. I’m serious, I respect your shit so respect mine. You don’t like what I say then talk to me and fix it.

One of those nights

I normally go to sleep around 11pm…..on a good night, other nights however I find myself wide awake. So to pass the time, I either lay awake in the dark calm of my room, with my boyfriend tossing and turning beside me or do things. My favorite things to do in order clean, watch anime or mischief. Sadly tonight I am in neither mood so I am left with mischief. My mischief normally consists of me making chat accounts with suggestive pictures as the profile, to ensure a speedy response followed by the most distasteful of conversations.

I know that my boyfriend would disapprove, no matter how innocent my idea of play was and this fact alone made it more fun. The chats would be filled with promises of lewd acts, and empty promises; hours would pass by and eventually we’d say our goodbyes. Every encounter given a phony name, my last ditch effort to cover my tracks and keep my identity secret. These chats excited me in ways I have never felt before. I don’t know if it was the indecency of the conversation or the fact that it was forbidden that excited me more; maybe it was a little of both.

Most of the conversations started off with the men/women confessing their loneliness,and how long its been since they last sexual relations of any nature and quickly escalated into what could be described as extreme erotica, with a stranger and myself as the author. I spent a great deal of time on these chats, gathering regulars who eagerly and hungrily greeted me once my light turned green next to my username; indicating that I am online. I grew accustom to this and it became my routine.

Tonight I logged on as I had done many nights before, and one of my favorites had disappeared. This troubled me, why? I couldn’t rationally explain. Maybe I had gotten attached and was unaware? Maybe I had secretly wanted to carry out these acts with this stranger? or maybe I was simply reacting at all because deep down I am a child and I felt as though someone took away my favorite play thing. Who knows. I continued to search for my favorite toy, but to my dismay nothing. It was if it never existed.

Determined not to have this ruined my night I attempted to duplicate this sexually charged exchange with another. Sadly it wasn’t the same. I logged off, too upset and disappointed to say goodbye. I sat in my room this time with the lights on, frustrated beyond comprehension. Again my boyfriend tossed and turned, moaning fretfully and snoring gently every so often in his sleep. I turn to wordpress, my outlet. Even though I have no more to say on the matter, I am still not satisfied. This will have to do as it is now 3:19am, and I do have to work today. *sigh* it is indeed one of those nights.