Tag Archive | bottled emotions

Midnight thoughts

Here I sit awake thinking

To myself, of all that I once thought

To be certain for sure

As I reflect on a previous conversation

That gave me pause

For the man I once thought

Constant and sure said something rather

Peculiar to me earlier today

Logical but peculiar, and normally

I wouldn’t have given it much thought

But in light of recent events I can’t help

But think that maybe there’s more to it.

He said “I don’t know what the next six months has in store for us, I mean …I hope our relationship grows and blossoms but no one knows for sure”.

Which is a far cry from his original statement where he stated “no matter what we would be together”.

But then again, he’s more secretive with his phone, looks at other girls I’m sure he thinks are prettier and I can’t help but ask myself why is he still here?? Is this just something in the meantime?? Or until he’s bored??? I dunno??? Only time will tell.

The question I keep asking myself is, why do I even bother to love??? Is he worth it??? Why did our paths cross?? What is the point of all this???

Like he proposed to me !?! For what just to act as though he’s still single!?!

Should we continue is this to be my life, feeling unattractive and not enough because at the end of the day hes always going to look at other girls on his page, and snap chat and friends list.

His reason is porn, he actually told me he needed to get hard so he looked up his friends naked picture to get hard enough to fuck me!!!!

I guess my exposed body wasn’t enough! I have never felt so unattractive in my life.

Like how would he feel if sat there gawking at my hot, tall, super packing, buff guy friends in my little groups and snap chats and shit to get in the mood to fuck him!?

Oh and then when I go to fuck him the wetness from the visual treat of my social media friends is ruined by the sight of him, because that’s pretty much what he told me when he said his boner went away looking at me after he looked at his snap chat whores and sluts.

He never looks at me the way he looks at them and when I send him pics he gets irritated, and it’s like if you don’t want to see me then like why the fuck are you even with me and hanging around!?!

I can send any straight guy a million pictures from any angle and they love it all, and never tire at the sight but him, he doesn’t even bother to look at them when I send….jut closes the chat. So m trying be cute and sexy is a waste, me doing my hair a fucking waste …not like he cares enough to notice and or comment preemptively, me doing anything is a fucking waste, unless I’m fucking cooking it’s a waste and will go unnoticed unless I bring it to his attention and ask. Guys out in the street notice but my fucking oblivious fiancee, he makes me feel sooooooooo sexy and special and wanted…..sike. jeez no wonder sex is a chore for him and I have to hound him for it. He can regal me of these epic stories of bitches past with these crazy sessions and I have to damned near beg….it’s because he’s obviously not attracted to me and it took me this long to realize it…..wow I feel really really stupid right now…..this is a new and uncomfortable feeling me, I don’t like it.

But then it begs the question what’s wrong with me that I have someone around that constantly makes me feel this way and tells me this is something I’m going to have to deal with while they work on doing better….

This I thought to be a child’s response.

Fuck me, what the fuck am I to fucking do !!!!!

I can’t even sleep, I’m so frustrated and upset like words can’t even explain.

Well that’s all for now. Goodnight guys and for those that follow, thank you and have a great night.

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Survival pt 1

Today I saw a therapist, which was weird for me. It was weird because in my mind it was pointless, I felt ridiculous for engaging in an exercise in futility. After all I tried this as a child and each response is the same. They delve into what is the perceived problem and then proceed to prescribe a potent medicine regiment designed to shut all of that shit down. So today I went in with the same expectation, in my mind I was ready. I trained myself to dismiss all that had been advised, I told myself to just go through the motions. 

I entered the office, I stood there sizing up the environment unsure of what to make of it all. As I stood there lost in thought, the doctor appeared and greeted me. The doctor walked me to his office, and asked me to take a seat I get comfortable; without thinking I removed my backpack and did as I was told. I crossed my legs, ready to block all the bullshit that was to come my way. 

The doctor took a seat and crossed his legs, notepad in hand; he smiled and informed me he’d be taking notes, he then asked if it were ok, confused I nodded, thinking to myself “what choice do I really have?”

The doctor smiled a friendly smile once more, and asked what brought me in today. I studied the face of this older stranger, released a heavy sigh and asked “where do I even begin?”. He said let’s start with this year, so I began to tell him of my 2017 existence. The frustration quickly built in my voice the more I spoke on it. This was weird to me because in my mind I thought it was all alright, but I guess it wasn’t. 

Once I finished regaling him of events passed, I said it frustrates me that I’m unable to be mad about any of it, I feel so broken and ridiculous. He asked me “is this normal?”. Well to me it’s been my life so yea it is. He was like how long has this been a thing, I shared it’s literally my life. He asked me to elaborate.

Again I did as instructed, smiling the whole time at my surreal existence, He asked “Do you know your crying ?”. Without thinking I touched me cheek in disbelief. I chuckled and said “that’s weird”. 

By the end of the session the doctor had surmised that I have been storing every all my trauma in a primitive portion of my brain, so when I am forced to relive those moments, it’s as fresh as if it happened that day. It makes the trauma more real to explain, its like I’m literally in that moment. 

When the session ended, I felt raw and more chaotic internally, but more receptive to the process.

Blissful, Is It Not? 

The beauty of your existence is that you can’t imagine the worst

So my words as they leave my lips and enter your ears

It shakes the foundation of the world you once knew

You can’t fathom, a world where a father denies his child 

Or

A world where a mother fantasizes about murdering her young. 

I pity and envy your sheltered existence, that doesn’t accommodate or allow you to see the worst… No the evil that is in humanity. 

May you be so fortunate that the blinds you so proudly wear are never removed and that your perfect world is never sullied 

May you burrow deeper within your blissful ignorance, where you shall remain safely ……Until the end of your days. 

With my awareness came a pain like no other

A price I’m glad is now paid, for what I gained in the end was more valuable. 

My scars are deep, and beautifully ugly but they are mine to bare, and with each a story.

These are my stories to tell and do so I shall. 

In the meantime I’ll say no more, lest I further disturb the comforts of your world. 

Lost treasure

“I know what’s wrong!” exclaimed my boyfriend,  and followed up with “trust, we don’t trust each other anymore ”
A quiet fell in the room, as I thought to myself “no duh!! Were you not here for the last year or so? ”

The silence was broken by his arrogant voice “I don’t know why you don’t trust me,  it’s not like I gave you a reason to not trust me”. His words had a smugness to it that completely disgusted me.

His words resonated with in me and brought a flood of memories, I’d not thought on quite some time. Moments of pain and depression that I hid with a smile, as I tried to act normal. Then more vividly than ever all the ways he has ever betrayed me and failed me as a partner.  It was like a movie of events were playing in my head.  I sat silent,  as I tried to rebottle all of my thoughts and feelings.  He continued his self righteous rant,  about how great he is and doesn’t deserve my attitude.  I let his voice fade from my awareness and trail off in to the background of my consciousness.  It wasn’t long before the sting of words brought me back to the current situation. “Your not even listening!?  Are you!? ” he said with an alarming amount of frustration.  I sat and stared blankly,  almost paralyzed by the situation.  I’m too tired to argue and fed up, I could respond in sarcasm as usual or simply let him have this moment.  I chose the latter of the two. I have been doing this for four years and I have grown weary. 

I wanted desperately to say, no scream “I DO NOT TRUST YOU!  YOU HAVE LIED BY OMISSION AND AT TIMES OUT RIGHT. YOU PRETTY MUCH FUCKED ANOTHER WOMEN IN FRONT OF ME AND CONFESSED THAT YOU WERE LOOKING FOR OTHER MORE COMPATIBLE MATES AFTER WE HAD BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR YEARS! AND THATS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG,  so to answer your question as to whether or not I trust you,  HELL FUCKING NO!!!!!  I’D BE A DUMBASS TO”

Instead I sat in silence, and stared.  He continued and then eventually got so frustrated he left.  I have grown used to this,  him being without fault and all the blame being on me. Him seldom being home. If you are wondering, yes I think he is cheating on me…. I just have not the proof to really have a sound argument. You text mystery people at all hours of the day and night,  I barely see you and to add insult to injury you keep hinting that your not ready for a committed relationship and you need space. So when I am brave enough I will give you all the space you need my love.

Trust is so precious, it’s hard to find and worst yet once lost damn near impossible to regain.

To my love, the man I’m unlucky enough to have love for; I sincerely hope it was worth it.