Tag Archive | continuation

Midnight thoughts

Here I sit awake thinking

To myself, of all that I once thought

To be certain for sure

As I reflect on a previous conversation

That gave me pause

For the man I once thought

Constant and sure said something rather

Peculiar to me earlier today

Logical but peculiar, and normally

I wouldn’t have given it much thought

But in light of recent events I can’t help

But think that maybe there’s more to it.

He said “I don’t know what the next six months has in store for us, I mean …I hope our relationship grows and blossoms but no one knows for sure”.

Which is a far cry from his original statement where he stated “no matter what we would be together”.

But then again, he’s more secretive with his phone, looks at other girls I’m sure he thinks are prettier and I can’t help but ask myself why is he still here?? Is this just something in the meantime?? Or until he’s bored??? I dunno??? Only time will tell.

The question I keep asking myself is, why do I even bother to love??? Is he worth it??? Why did our paths cross?? What is the point of all this???

Like he proposed to me !?! For what just to act as though he’s still single!?!

Should we continue is this to be my life, feeling unattractive and not enough because at the end of the day hes always going to look at other girls on his page, and snap chat and friends list.

His reason is porn, he actually told me he needed to get hard so he looked up his friends naked picture to get hard enough to fuck me!!!!

I guess my exposed body wasn’t enough! I have never felt so unattractive in my life.

Like how would he feel if sat there gawking at my hot, tall, super packing, buff guy friends in my little groups and snap chats and shit to get in the mood to fuck him!?

Oh and then when I go to fuck him the wetness from the visual treat of my social media friends is ruined by the sight of him, because that’s pretty much what he told me when he said his boner went away looking at me after he looked at his snap chat whores and sluts.

He never looks at me the way he looks at them and when I send him pics he gets irritated, and it’s like if you don’t want to see me then like why the fuck are you even with me and hanging around!?!

I can send any straight guy a million pictures from any angle and they love it all, and never tire at the sight but him, he doesn’t even bother to look at them when I send….jut closes the chat. So m trying be cute and sexy is a waste, me doing my hair a fucking waste …not like he cares enough to notice and or comment preemptively, me doing anything is a fucking waste, unless I’m fucking cooking it’s a waste and will go unnoticed unless I bring it to his attention and ask. Guys out in the street notice but my fucking oblivious fiancee, he makes me feel sooooooooo sexy and special and wanted…..sike. jeez no wonder sex is a chore for him and I have to hound him for it. He can regal me of these epic stories of bitches past with these crazy sessions and I have to damned near beg….it’s because he’s obviously not attracted to me and it took me this long to realize it…..wow I feel really really stupid right now…..this is a new and uncomfortable feeling me, I don’t like it.

But then it begs the question what’s wrong with me that I have someone around that constantly makes me feel this way and tells me this is something I’m going to have to deal with while they work on doing better….

This I thought to be a child’s response.

Fuck me, what the fuck am I to fucking do !!!!!

I can’t even sleep, I’m so frustrated and upset like words can’t even explain.

Well that’s all for now. Goodnight guys and for those that follow, thank you and have a great night.

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Survival pt 1

Today I saw a therapist, which was weird for me. It was weird because in my mind it was pointless, I felt ridiculous for engaging in an exercise in futility. After all I tried this as a child and each response is the same. They delve into what is the perceived problem and then proceed to prescribe a potent medicine regiment designed to shut all of that shit down. So today I went in with the same expectation, in my mind I was ready. I trained myself to dismiss all that had been advised, I told myself to just go through the motions. 

I entered the office, I stood there sizing up the environment unsure of what to make of it all. As I stood there lost in thought, the doctor appeared and greeted me. The doctor walked me to his office, and asked me to take a seat I get comfortable; without thinking I removed my backpack and did as I was told. I crossed my legs, ready to block all the bullshit that was to come my way. 

The doctor took a seat and crossed his legs, notepad in hand; he smiled and informed me he’d be taking notes, he then asked if it were ok, confused I nodded, thinking to myself “what choice do I really have?”

The doctor smiled a friendly smile once more, and asked what brought me in today. I studied the face of this older stranger, released a heavy sigh and asked “where do I even begin?”. He said let’s start with this year, so I began to tell him of my 2017 existence. The frustration quickly built in my voice the more I spoke on it. This was weird to me because in my mind I thought it was all alright, but I guess it wasn’t. 

Once I finished regaling him of events passed, I said it frustrates me that I’m unable to be mad about any of it, I feel so broken and ridiculous. He asked me “is this normal?”. Well to me it’s been my life so yea it is. He was like how long has this been a thing, I shared it’s literally my life. He asked me to elaborate.

Again I did as instructed, smiling the whole time at my surreal existence, He asked “Do you know your crying ?”. Without thinking I touched me cheek in disbelief. I chuckled and said “that’s weird”. 

By the end of the session the doctor had surmised that I have been storing every all my trauma in a primitive portion of my brain, so when I am forced to relive those moments, it’s as fresh as if it happened that day. It makes the trauma more real to explain, its like I’m literally in that moment. 

When the session ended, I felt raw and more chaotic internally, but more receptive to the process.

Relationship Rants “Meeting the Parents”

So there comes the inevitable time in a relationship when I guess its expected that your significant other and your family meet, specifically your parents. Now it’d be nice if they can meet the whole family but what is of importance is meet the parents. This topic is preoccupying my thoughts, as the question was recently asked. I sat down and logically weighed my situation, sure I loved this person flaws and all and in a perfect world would love for him to meet my parents; however my very realistic fear is they won’t receive him as well as I have. I say all this to say, why is it so important? you know, the act of meeting ones parent and why is it by discouraging such acts you are then viewed as the bad guy for doing so.

In some case the meeting of the parents can make or break the situation, is that my case? I would like to say I am a strong women and nothing can ruin this! but realistically speaking I haven’t even told my parents that I am bisexual; there is just somethings you cant share with family.

I know some of you are like “you won’t know until you try”, well my family doesn’t really value one another and is quick to judge so……I think I will pass. I know there are others that will probably say something like “with family like that who needs them anyway”. The answer is I do. i have been alone for years and have been in terrible situations none like my childhood but bad all the same; and the worst thing in the world is knowing you are alone.

I know that if my mom meets him, based off my understanding of her she wont receive him well. She wont leave me alone about him until I break up with him, and yes despite our history together I still need her approval and acceptance. I very much value the brownie points and other of praise I can get from her.

Strike one was meeting my stepdad, and now my stepdad says fun things like “are you still with that character?”. Strike two when he wouldn’t say hello to my brothers. I can’t allow a strike three.

So…….

I guess it’s decided, they can never meet.

The Question

Part II

“I was good to him!  Don’t I deserve my time to talk?!?  To have my say” her face soaked from tears and her voice cracking with every utterance. She was hurting, and I couldn’t sympathize. I couldn’t allow myself to feel her pain,  this wasn’t the first time she had found herself in a situation such as this,  heck it wasn’t even the fourth.
I rationalized that it was her karma and her foolishness that wrought such an outcome.  Callous from time spent with her, as I sat listening I tried to remain impartial, but our time spent together wouldn’t permit such thoughts. She continued to sob.

The Not So Distant Past
I remember when I first met her thinking how blessed I was to meet someone so nice and as time went on that feeling turned to dread. One by one her friends disappeared and day by day moment by moment drama arose. Whether it was her blowing things completely out of proportion and over reacting or her letting her son do whatever he chose; both I simply couldn’t abide. Rather than confront these things at the time it happened, I simply waited for the right moment, the calm if you will to address my concerns. I myself, am not one for contention and drama, but I couldn’t stay quiet either. After discussing my concerns with her and sharing my feelings and thoughts, I realized my words fell on deaf ears. The conversation would always be switched to her needing a man and how everything will be right in the world once she found this mythical man. I simply gave up and kept to myself, I stopped offering my opinion and remained silent. I thought this to be my best course of action, I didn’t want to tell her what she wanted to hear simply to appease her because that would make me actively part of the problem.
She guilted me,  making me feel bad that she was a single mother; me being a child of a single mother I empathised with her. After all I saw how my mother struggled and the toll it took on us all. I sacrificed my personal life, my grades began to slip and everytime I attempted to protest, I was greeted with animosity and hostility. I thought to myself she was crazy. I still remember her rants of how it wasn’t fair for her, and everything was bullshit. I also remember thinking to myself you decided to be a mother, this is your burden… The world owes you nothing for your decisions made…..better yet I owe you nothing. I remember paying rent and utilities and having little left to myself and her coming to me in tears asking for more money. I would tell her it’s last and she would respond saying how ugly she felt and how no one wanted her and how she will die alone. After a while I would cave just to be left alone. However this wasn’t enough, when I received my tax return, she asked me to repay her security deposit. Fair enough, we all live there $1200 gone. Then the groceries $350 gone. Then she expected me to still pay rent and utilities! It became apparent, this woman was bleeding me dry.  I wanted to say no but I kept saying I am helping her, eventually it will be enough.
It was never enough, I  stopped coming back to the house. When I did it was to cook dinner for them and babysit her son. My inbox was full of messages from her crying saying everyone they meet eventually leaves. I now know why, her presence in my life was like wrecking ball leaving destruction in its wake.

Back To The “Question”
“Don’t I deserve a say!?!”  my answer to that should have been no, and I would have gone into a five point rant as to why she didn’t deserve anything; much less that. Instead I sat there quietly, turning my gaze elsewhere as she continued to sob. Insensitive, sure I can see that,  but there comes a point where you have seen someone do so much wrong to so many people; that you can’t help but wonder if they deserve it. Her ex called her crazy and psychotic amoung a bunch of other colorful names, just like the ones before him had done. Now if he was the first person to say then I would say he’s crazy and fucked up but he’s like the eighth person…….  they all can’t be wrong. 0.0