Tag Archive | dysfunctional relationship

Understanding 

I have been called childish at times and judged for indulging in what would otherwise be considered and classified as childish 

But what you don’t know or see is that all day I suffocate that part of me for work, for my friends and prioritizing everyone else’s happiness.

At the end of the day my only selfish act is indulging that part of me

My childish part that by some miracle of God is still alive and well within 

My inner child allows me to smile on the worst of days and is my guiding light 

It allows me to shake off the wrong and betrayal of the world, setting myself aside to be there selflessly for others.

I didn’t get to formally meet or introduce myself to my inner child much less embrace it at the appropriate age.

This is what happens when kids are forced to think and act like adults in addition to a difficult life.

I couldn’t be a child growing up, it wasn’t safe….it’s something that you were punished for.

While as an adult one would think it worse, it’s a great comfort.

Shit happens and my inner child shines through being optimistic and full of love.

I wouldn’t trade it for the world, the adult in me if I had things my way would burn everything to the ground that belonged to the ones that hurt me.

We all have sides of us and coping mechanisms, if I were to shed mine…..the light within would be snuffed out; the darkness will take over and I will no longer recognized the person I know myself to be and love

My true nature, is a cold, uncaring, unfeeling, self centered, calculating asshole.

No matter what this world throws at me I cannot let it change me into what it wants me to be, I have to stand firm in who I am and who I want to be.

You can never understand, and to be honest I don’t blame you there are things I have yet to understand.

I know how things will turn out and yet time and time again I stick with it thinking my intuition is wrong. 

You’ll see me and cast your judgements on me and act accordingly.

Should you ever find yourself reading this, I want you to know at the end of the day I take care of not only my responsibilities, but those around me. Even knowing how things played out with us in advance, I want you to know despite the betrayal and lies, I enjoyed our time together. The love I have for you is very real, and I hope your alright. You’ve had it hard and you’ve made difficult decisions because of those your loyal to but it comes a time when you need to be loyal to yourself. I can’t be mad be I understand all too well, it’s a blessing and a curse but I wouldn’t change it. 

I sincerely hope you read this, my things can and will be replaced but you only get one life and even if reincarnations are real, you only get this life with this consciousness; don’t waste it on those who don’t value or appreciate you.

Love always 

HP

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Where do we go from here 

Sleepless hours

Dreamless slumber

Greets me night after night 

My mind racing with all manner of thoughts 

I’m overwhelmed by all the words I have to say

We could have been, on more than one occasion 

But timing did not permit 

Yes I have a deep affection for but bearing this in mine, I shan’t be the one to make the first move. 

Distance is a factor as well rendering all sentiments useless 

Which begs the question, where do we go from here?

Sentiments

“Sometimes he just gets on my nerves” she says to me,  and continues into a man hating rant. I sit quietly and listen, thinking and reflecting on these same moments shared with my boyfriend.
As she randomly pauses, I interject with advice based on my very own experiences. She stops, takes it in as I speak and continues all the same.
This conversation and exchange went on for what seemed like an eternity but in actuality was only thirty minutes. As she comes to her own conclusions and wrap up the conversation, her boyfriend walks out to grab a smoke.
We greet each other and share smiles, and the conversation switches to video games and conspiracy theories, all the while my thoughts are somewhere else.
I thought to myself, how many times did I say the very same things she is and rant and rave and snap and have an attitude, knowing it would further deteriorate the situation. I never cared, now that I think back on it all. I release a heavy sigh, and a question shakes me back to reality “are you OK?” he asks.  I meet his gaze and nod slightly, as a wry smile appears on my face as I attempt to reassure them that all is well. I excuse myself and return to the apartment, from whence I came.
Shutting the door behind me I lazy twist the locks in place. I begin to make my way to the kitchen, to grab a snack as my feet drag with every step. I grab a pack of oreos and continue to think on thoughts long passed.

Blissful, Is It Not? 

The beauty of your existence is that you can’t imagine the worst

So my words as they leave my lips and enter your ears

It shakes the foundation of the world you once knew

You can’t fathom, a world where a father denies his child 

Or

A world where a mother fantasizes about murdering her young. 

I pity and envy your sheltered existence, that doesn’t accommodate or allow you to see the worst… No the evil that is in humanity. 

May you be so fortunate that the blinds you so proudly wear are never removed and that your perfect world is never sullied 

May you burrow deeper within your blissful ignorance, where you shall remain safely ……Until the end of your days. 

With my awareness came a pain like no other

A price I’m glad is now paid, for what I gained in the end was more valuable. 

My scars are deep, and beautifully ugly but they are mine to bare, and with each a story.

These are my stories to tell and do so I shall. 

In the meantime I’ll say no more, lest I further disturb the comforts of your world. 

Predator and it’s prey

If you care
If you feel
If you have a soul
Keep it a secret
If you’ve got morals
Tell no one and guard these truths with your life.
There are those, who lack these things and seek it out in others.
They Hunger for it and with one slip up they will have your scent,  like a shark drawn to blood and they will devour you; in hopes to destroy that which they want most.

Be careful for you have been warned.

Insomnia chronicles 1 (technically 2)

There is nothing worse than knowing that nothing is safe, i mean you can change the passwords but anyone worth their salt can still figure it out.

My privacy has been violated, and my computer compromised by someone I thought I could trust; someone I thought respected and loved me enough to leave well enough alone.

I get it you don’t like how I view you, but why not change? be the man I used to admire and couldn’t stand to be apart from. I remember there was once a time that we had fun, we didn’t argue and I remember you commented on that. Do you remember? Although a lot of time has passed since, I remember it like it was yesterday.

something changed, and I remember when it first took place and I said “babe you aren’t just using me to fill the loneliness you feel are you? Because that would suck because I actually love and care about you” and you assured me that this wasn’t the case

Here we are present day and I have learned that my suspicions are true which explains everything you do.

Why am I still here, you ask? well I guess I am not ready to let go. I am sure that you knowing this will take advantage of me and it will not end well.

Side note: If you are reading this stop fucking with my shit when I am not home. I’m serious, I respect your shit so respect mine. You don’t like what I say then talk to me and fix it.

Lost treasure

“I know what’s wrong!” exclaimed my boyfriend,  and followed up with “trust, we don’t trust each other anymore ”
A quiet fell in the room, as I thought to myself “no duh!! Were you not here for the last year or so? ”

The silence was broken by his arrogant voice “I don’t know why you don’t trust me,  it’s not like I gave you a reason to not trust me”. His words had a smugness to it that completely disgusted me.

His words resonated with in me and brought a flood of memories, I’d not thought on quite some time. Moments of pain and depression that I hid with a smile, as I tried to act normal. Then more vividly than ever all the ways he has ever betrayed me and failed me as a partner.  It was like a movie of events were playing in my head.  I sat silent,  as I tried to rebottle all of my thoughts and feelings.  He continued his self righteous rant,  about how great he is and doesn’t deserve my attitude.  I let his voice fade from my awareness and trail off in to the background of my consciousness.  It wasn’t long before the sting of words brought me back to the current situation. “Your not even listening!?  Are you!? ” he said with an alarming amount of frustration.  I sat and stared blankly,  almost paralyzed by the situation.  I’m too tired to argue and fed up, I could respond in sarcasm as usual or simply let him have this moment.  I chose the latter of the two. I have been doing this for four years and I have grown weary. 

I wanted desperately to say, no scream “I DO NOT TRUST YOU!  YOU HAVE LIED BY OMISSION AND AT TIMES OUT RIGHT. YOU PRETTY MUCH FUCKED ANOTHER WOMEN IN FRONT OF ME AND CONFESSED THAT YOU WERE LOOKING FOR OTHER MORE COMPATIBLE MATES AFTER WE HAD BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR YEARS! AND THATS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG,  so to answer your question as to whether or not I trust you,  HELL FUCKING NO!!!!!  I’D BE A DUMBASS TO”

Instead I sat in silence, and stared.  He continued and then eventually got so frustrated he left.  I have grown used to this,  him being without fault and all the blame being on me. Him seldom being home. If you are wondering, yes I think he is cheating on me…. I just have not the proof to really have a sound argument. You text mystery people at all hours of the day and night,  I barely see you and to add insult to injury you keep hinting that your not ready for a committed relationship and you need space. So when I am brave enough I will give you all the space you need my love.

Trust is so precious, it’s hard to find and worst yet once lost damn near impossible to regain.

To my love, the man I’m unlucky enough to have love for; I sincerely hope it was worth it.