Tag Archive | experience

Calm 

Be the calm and never the storm

When you see your partner or friend

Stressing, be that calm and be that 

Comfort, be their idea of home and 

Safety and comfort 

Let go of petty behavior, step outside 

Of yourself and see what they are 

Going through and be there for them.

When we step outside of the house

It feels like the whole world is what 

We are up against, so be the support 

And the reinforcement 

Do not add to the numbers of people 

They have to fight and stress over 

The goal should always be to add to 

In a beneficial way and improve upon 

Moving forward.

My language, translation included 

They say that knowing is half of the battle

but what exactly does that mean?

Every relationship, encounter or experience is an opportunity to learn and grow

I have learned that I am stubborn, passionate, vulnerable, flawed, hurt, damaged, strong willed and I am currently running on borrowed inner strength.

I have learned that I have a want to be loved and liked by those that matter, I love hard and I do everything in my power to show my love, I have abandonment issues, I am terrified that I won’t be able to have a family of my own one day, I am worried that marriage may not be an outcome for me and I wont find the person who deserves all of my love and what I have to offer.

I have learned that I have to be fearless in order to not have to face my fears.

I have learned that all of these things have come together inside of me and I have formed my own language.

My “I am fines, nothing is wrong,” is a cry for help and love

My saying I don’t want children is because its a lot easier than admitting that I may not have a say in the matter.

My saying that I am fine being a lone and relationships aren’t for everyone, and marriage is over rated is my way of saying that I am afraid that I may not find the one and I should get used to being alone.

Me choking on my emotions and telling people to stop being emotional is my way of saying, I have been hurt so many times that if I allow myself to feel in any capacity that it will overwhelm. I need to keep it bottled, I can’t allow myself to feel or grief.

I hurt so easily, I pretend nothing phases me but a lot hurts, a lot is chipping away at me; but I have to be strong, I have to be cool, I have to be that symbol of inspiration. I can’t let my friends and family see me being human…. being human is not a luxury afforded to me.

I have over time developed a complicated language layered in fears, insecurity and wrapped in pain, stamped damaged.

My biggest fear is not finding the one who can translate and understand

The one that is patient enough to kiss the stamp, see the pain and embrace me and once unwrapped get through the layers and find me at the center of the chaos, stand by me and love me all the more for what they have seen.

I don’t want to pretend anymore and I just want to be and let my guard down, I need to be human and know its ok.

Until then, I will wait ….for the one I feel safe enough around to take down my defenses, and let see the real me.

Complex

Today in a conversation, a rather intimate one at that; I shared stories of my past and childhood. I shared memories I had not thought on in quite sometime. Questions were asked, seemingly insensitive ones I might add. However the one question that hit me was, do you think you have developed a complex because of past events?

This caused me to pause for a bit, I struggled to think of a response to such a direct question. I placed my phone on the counter, as I stood in silence. I took a deep breath, and exhaled and a heavy traffic of words poured into my mind. Still I stood frozen, trying find the best way to articulate my feelings. I was in a trance of my thoughts.

Then the most perfect string of words rung through clear as day. Sure it was a bit rough and seemingly unrefined but it was by far the most honest response I could offer.

“Life happens, people can be shitty. I feel we are dealt a hand of cards sometimes it’s great and sometimes it’s Shit. That’s how I rationalize it.  Nothing will ever happen negative to an individual without leaving scars,  deep ones at that. However we can’t let the world know whats wrong, now can we?  So you smile and pretend nothing is wrong. People like you better that way. If I for once let myself be a person instead of catering to others people wouldn’t like me or think as highly of me as they do.”

This comment, brought about a deafening silence in our messages. It was as if my words stunned him. I placed my phone down, and sat in silence for a while. My phone rang moments later, with his response. It appears my answer pleased him, he was content with my reply.

I can’t say for sure if my intent was to cater to him and respond in kind, however it worked out all the same. With that, I sad my good byes and logged off, there was a lot that weighed heavy on my mind.

Who Am I To Say

Recently a very distressed friend shared a predicament and based off the information provided it seems that the partner in question is not being very honest and might be being dishonest. This issue was openly discussed in group text, some of the responses were supportive and others were neither here nor there. As I poured through the messages, deliberating on my response something caught my eye. It was probably the most honest and sincere I have seen in all 43 of the comments posted.

“I know I accept my fair share of bullshit, so I am in no place to offer advice; but I can also open a proper can of ass whooping”

This comment said so much, using very little words. I know it doesn’t look like much but to me it was heavy. I myself accept a lot and just like others in the post was willing to add my judgmental; and somewhat angry two cents.

I wanted to say to call this mystery person whom I have never met a litany of colorful names, instead I sat there speechless with phone in hand. The fire that once burned angrily in my belly slowly began to die down; and in its place smoldering ash.

The truth and harsh reality of the situation is, I have no right to speak; when I myself am going through some shit. I sit here day in and day out, messaging the world and distracting myself with family; because I lack the strength to deal with my own mess.

I recently moved, leaving family and friends and a seemingly decent relationship of four years and six months. The days that led up to my untimely departure, were depressing and sad. My goodbye bitter, and remorseful; we agreed to stay with one another and agreed upon communication arrangements. I hoped for more time together but he had business with is friends and I just had to “understand”, not once could I be mad. Apparently wanting to spend the last two weeks before you move with your boyfriend is selfish. I was told that reacting to this made me seem irrational and selfish and pushed him away.However from where I sat, he seemed pretty far gone already; no help needed there.

Every day his phone was alive with messages, the messages started early and didn’t end until sometime the next day; allowing a hour or two at best reprieve in between communications. Low chuckles filled the room, quick glances and quicker responses, I wanted to know but wanted to not over step boundaries. I wanted to respect his privacy, after all no one wants to be the “crazy girlfriend”; that’s some how worse than being the neighborhood whore.

It wasn’t long before his presence at home dwindled from little to not at all. I mean sure he returned the next day but I never quite knew his whereabouts. To be fair, I was so suspicious about his behavior I wouldn’t have believed him anyways.

Well now I am sixteen hours away and I can barely get a hold of him on the phone and I miss him despite my last moments. The knowledge of my seemingly grim situation set in. Yes I stayed, yes a part of me feels like it can go some where and yes it would hurt me more to break up with him than it would to stay and deal with this….what ever it is.

Anyways this is what I thought on as I read that post and the comments that followed, I came to the conclusion that some things are best left unsaid and I should figure my life out before attempting to help others. After all what could I possibly have to offer, I pour my heart and soul into someone and I can’t even say without great uncertainty if he loves me.

I figured he would call, or text or video chat to say the least after all he cried when I left and told me how he didn’t want me to go. Perhaps it was all a grand performance, staged to lure me into a false sense of security….or maybe I am just too paranoid and potentially ruining my relationship….who knows. One thing is for sure my head is in a bad place, I cannot sort out fact from my strange paranoia, but to be fair years of mind games will do a number on you.

I need to seek spiritual guidance and a prayer/long conversation with God may help me gain some insight on my situation. As for my friend I wish them the best and that they choose the path that is most beneficial to them; relationships are hard and stressful and no one knows whats best for you but you.

 

My Dreams

 

I am going to get the job I have always wanted, that I can enjoy and grants me all that I need in order to live comfortably. I will get vacation time, and see my mom and family and benefits and actually be able to buy that gym membership that I need. I won’t live pay check to pay check, I won’t need roommates and I will finally have a car. I will be completely self sufficient and I will actually be able to save money.

I know to some this seems insignificant but if you like me have worked years, busting your hump hoping to move up in a company that could careless, as you sacrifice every ounce of free time you have being loyal; showing commitment and dedication this means the world. As I type this I get teary eyed, because its not easy. The only thing I have is God, determination and optimism.

I got this and I will get everything I want and then some, because I won’t stop until I do.

There’s Insanity In Love.

I sit here tormented by my thoughts and selfish needs

I want you and only you

I spend my time thoughts filled and preoccupied as my body yearns for your touch and your warmth

The only happiness I have ever known in a long time

I cling to you, unintentionally smothering you

You push back, wounding me in the process

My mind is telling me to leave you be but my heart you see compells me otherwise

you push back harder and harder, your words become unsure and uncertain

I see what you refuse to

the two of us a drift on the tattered remains of our relationship

the distance growing with each passing moment

Unwanted, hurt, betrayed, rejected, and alone I lay at night

Betrayed because I am not enough, I cannot share the moments and thoughts with you

You need more, and at night you go out to get your fill

Here I lay trying not to smother you more than I have already done

Time passes

the thoughts of your absence and new found social life echoes in mind

depression and abandonment settles in

I act drastically

sure I have your attention now but at what price

the want, validation and attention I sought out i gained

but at what price

your hurt, irreparably so

What I once thought to be damaged was unharmed and stronger than ever

in my madness I took a sledge hammer to the walls and foundation of the house

that was once a beautiful metaphor for our relationship

and I alone single-handedly brought it to ruin

now here I stand in the wreckage

face stained with tears with one question in my mind

“was it all worth it?”

the answer

“no”

Nothing is worth the price of your happiness

It was i that betrayed, hurt and abandoned you

You tried your hardest and I repaid your attempts with betrayal and selfishness.

I can never apologize enough

You will always be too good for me.

I will never deserve you, the amazing man that you are

one should never treat a blessing so poorly.

I just hope one day you can forgive me

and that

one day we can return to what we once were.

-Hannah

Black and Foreign …My Experience

In my every day life, for as long as I could remember being black was a confusing concept….for me at least. I remember being in elementary school, in NY and heavily using Ebonics. Ebonics for me was my primary language. I got older, and the year of my tenth birthday; my family and I moved to Pennsylvania.
In Pennsylvania, I attended a suburban school where a teacher took interest in me and began to mentor me. I love my mentor despite her strict moments. She always corrected my speech. I oftentimes used slang terminology in place of actual words,  and my grammar left much to be desired.  I know that my grammar is still in a state of disrepair, but I’m getting off track.
After years of influence, thanks to my mentor; I no longer spoke as if I had a 3rd grade education. Junior high rolled around and I decided this is when I am going to start building up towards an amazing HS experience. I attempted to to make friends with the other kids and some it was easy others it was difficult. I remember asking the other kids why they just didn’t like me and was met with a look of disgust followed by this response “You look poor, and who names a black girl Hannah”. To my surprise this wasn’t a “white” kid saying this it was a “black ” kid saying this to me. I honestly didn’t know how to process this. So I hung out in the library and slowly my social circle became predominantly white. The black kids in my school thought that it was my attempt at being white,  and that I was ashamed at being black. When in actuality they were just  nicer to me, and had similar taste and interest.
Fast forward to adulthood and I am still dealing with similar stuff. I have been rejected by my peers at work because of my mannerism, and the fact that I choose not to slang. I am often met with people feeling like I’m better than them because of the way I simply carry myself. Also my name, as pretty as it is, is a no no.  As an adult I deal with negative reactions from both sides of the fence. Whether it be black, or white, some people just assume if you look black you should  fit a certain criteria. I remember working a retail job and a customer came up to me and asked me about a rap artist, to which I responded “I am sorry I don’t listen to rap” she then said to me word for word “how you black and don’t listen music,  I call bullshit ” I shrugged and apologized and said “I like rock, Punk Rock,  metal and the like” the woman rolled her eyes “you know you black right!? ” and paid for her merchandise and left the store. There was another instance when a customer, an elderly Caucasian guy came into my store and he looked at first I just smiled and greeted him and went about my tasks. The gentleman made his way over to the register and I began to ring him out,  he began to stare. I laughed nervously and joked about something being on my face,  he responded “you look foreign, your eyes and cheek bones…. where are are you from?” I smiled and answered “my family and I are from Trinidad, it’s in the Caribbean” the gentlemen then responded “oh yeah what part of Africa is that? ” I blinked a few times in disbelief and calmly said “it’s not part of Africa, it’s located in the Caribbean, and said you know black people or people of color whatever you choose to say, can literally be found all over the world. We aren’t all natives of Africa” the man smiled and said “I thought for sure that was an African country ” I laughed and thanked the man for his business and wished him well.
It’s not much better with my friends, I’m often introduced as the whitest black person they know, and told that I sound “white”. I told my friends, how ignorant that statement was. It’s like they are saying that people of the Caucasian variety or white people are the only ones who can speak intelligently. I also get teased for not behaving like a B.E.T extra when I’m upset in public. It’s insane, like I just don’t understand.
I was in the car driving home with my friend raging about everything, he laughed and said “well just use your accents and try your luck back in your home country “.
My family and I, most of us come from the Caribbean and with that being said there are some glaring differences; in terms of culture, practices, behavior and everything. I thought on all of this and simply said, “A true trini, could tell the difference from a mile away. I have spent 24 years in America, and have become far to Americanized to fit in back home. There is nothing more upsetting than to know, no matter what, you will not be accepted”. I also told him,  our likes,  dislikes and taste shouldn’t be dictated by stereotypes or what we think is acceptable by the black community; lastly people shouldn’t be upset when I say I’m not African American, because I’m not and quite frankly neither are the ones labeled as such; who currently reside in America, they are just American. If you were born here and raised here your Fucking American. It’s rude to claim a culture you know nothing of.  It’s not giving up your identity it is claiming your home,  I don’t even understand the need for separation. I digress, being I guess societal “black and foreign ” isn’t easy,  but I’m just going to taken it a day at a time. This isn’t to offend people, who want to identify as African Americans, that is completely your prerogative.