Tag Archive | hate

Survival pt 1

Today I saw a therapist, which was weird for me. It was weird because in my mind it was pointless, I felt ridiculous for engaging in an exercise in futility. After all I tried this as a child and each response is the same. They delve into what is the perceived problem and then proceed to prescribe a potent medicine regiment designed to shut all of that shit down. So today I went in with the same expectation, in my mind I was ready. I trained myself to dismiss all that had been advised, I told myself to just go through the motions. 

I entered the office, I stood there sizing up the environment unsure of what to make of it all. As I stood there lost in thought, the doctor appeared and greeted me. The doctor walked me to his office, and asked me to take a seat I get comfortable; without thinking I removed my backpack and did as I was told. I crossed my legs, ready to block all the bullshit that was to come my way. 

The doctor took a seat and crossed his legs, notepad in hand; he smiled and informed me he’d be taking notes, he then asked if it were ok, confused I nodded, thinking to myself “what choice do I really have?”

The doctor smiled a friendly smile once more, and asked what brought me in today. I studied the face of this older stranger, released a heavy sigh and asked “where do I even begin?”. He said let’s start with this year, so I began to tell him of my 2017 existence. The frustration quickly built in my voice the more I spoke on it. This was weird to me because in my mind I thought it was all alright, but I guess it wasn’t. 

Once I finished regaling him of events passed, I said it frustrates me that I’m unable to be mad about any of it, I feel so broken and ridiculous. He asked me “is this normal?”. Well to me it’s been my life so yea it is. He was like how long has this been a thing, I shared it’s literally my life. He asked me to elaborate.

Again I did as instructed, smiling the whole time at my surreal existence, He asked “Do you know your crying ?”. Without thinking I touched me cheek in disbelief. I chuckled and said “that’s weird”. 

By the end of the session the doctor had surmised that I have been storing every all my trauma in a primitive portion of my brain, so when I am forced to relive those moments, it’s as fresh as if it happened that day. It makes the trauma more real to explain, its like I’m literally in that moment. 

When the session ended, I felt raw and more chaotic internally, but more receptive to the process.

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Revolution 

Man can be exception but never the rule

So for those of you, like me seeking from them what’s missing within

I tell you this, that Road will lead to more pain than you’ll ever know

Because we are human and at the end of the day by definition flawed in every way

I say this with love, pain and tears I have shed along the way 

In hopes you’ll hear what it is I have to say

We are damaged and in ways that seem irreparable 

And that’s what this world will have believe and embrace making it our truth

But the truth is you have to wrestle the dark that once brought you false comfort 

In its cold embrace 

Break the chains binding you to the million pound weights that has kept you down

In self doubt and hate 

Afraid to love, building walls year in and year out with each betrayal 

It’s time to be free and love yourself in its entirety, be what you should be 

And not what this world wants you to be.

There’s a evil alive and fed in this world growing stronger everyday 

Its goal to snuff out the light…..the few that’s left in this world anyway 

Protect your light, protect yourself and don’t let the monster win

Don’t let the negativity and hate win, do not by consumed and join the Frey 

Be the trendsetter instead that lights the way

Helping the lost souls that cross your path, to find themselves the same way

Be patient because once we too was there

Love yourself, love those around you and never lose sight of your self. 

Since energy is contagious spread yours in hopes it’ll spark change 

Because at the end of the day 

Besides God, that’s all we have left anyway.

Be thankful for the good, bad, failures and successes 

Because at the end of it all we are still here today 

Stronger, smarter wiser in every way

I hope this message finds you well, and my love felt through these words.

I’m tired of building walls, no longer will I fear love, or be shamed for who I am.

I love me just the way I am.

What about you? 

Aren’t you ready for this change?

Lost treasure

“I know what’s wrong!” exclaimed my boyfriend,  and followed up with “trust, we don’t trust each other anymore ”
A quiet fell in the room, as I thought to myself “no duh!! Were you not here for the last year or so? ”

The silence was broken by his arrogant voice “I don’t know why you don’t trust me,  it’s not like I gave you a reason to not trust me”. His words had a smugness to it that completely disgusted me.

His words resonated with in me and brought a flood of memories, I’d not thought on quite some time. Moments of pain and depression that I hid with a smile, as I tried to act normal. Then more vividly than ever all the ways he has ever betrayed me and failed me as a partner.  It was like a movie of events were playing in my head.  I sat silent,  as I tried to rebottle all of my thoughts and feelings.  He continued his self righteous rant,  about how great he is and doesn’t deserve my attitude.  I let his voice fade from my awareness and trail off in to the background of my consciousness.  It wasn’t long before the sting of words brought me back to the current situation. “Your not even listening!?  Are you!? ” he said with an alarming amount of frustration.  I sat and stared blankly,  almost paralyzed by the situation.  I’m too tired to argue and fed up, I could respond in sarcasm as usual or simply let him have this moment.  I chose the latter of the two. I have been doing this for four years and I have grown weary. 

I wanted desperately to say, no scream “I DO NOT TRUST YOU!  YOU HAVE LIED BY OMISSION AND AT TIMES OUT RIGHT. YOU PRETTY MUCH FUCKED ANOTHER WOMEN IN FRONT OF ME AND CONFESSED THAT YOU WERE LOOKING FOR OTHER MORE COMPATIBLE MATES AFTER WE HAD BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR YEARS! AND THATS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG,  so to answer your question as to whether or not I trust you,  HELL FUCKING NO!!!!!  I’D BE A DUMBASS TO”

Instead I sat in silence, and stared.  He continued and then eventually got so frustrated he left.  I have grown used to this,  him being without fault and all the blame being on me. Him seldom being home. If you are wondering, yes I think he is cheating on me…. I just have not the proof to really have a sound argument. You text mystery people at all hours of the day and night,  I barely see you and to add insult to injury you keep hinting that your not ready for a committed relationship and you need space. So when I am brave enough I will give you all the space you need my love.

Trust is so precious, it’s hard to find and worst yet once lost damn near impossible to regain.

To my love, the man I’m unlucky enough to have love for; I sincerely hope it was worth it.

There’s Insanity In Love.

I sit here tormented by my thoughts and selfish needs

I want you and only you

I spend my time thoughts filled and preoccupied as my body yearns for your touch and your warmth

The only happiness I have ever known in a long time

I cling to you, unintentionally smothering you

You push back, wounding me in the process

My mind is telling me to leave you be but my heart you see compells me otherwise

you push back harder and harder, your words become unsure and uncertain

I see what you refuse to

the two of us a drift on the tattered remains of our relationship

the distance growing with each passing moment

Unwanted, hurt, betrayed, rejected, and alone I lay at night

Betrayed because I am not enough, I cannot share the moments and thoughts with you

You need more, and at night you go out to get your fill

Here I lay trying not to smother you more than I have already done

Time passes

the thoughts of your absence and new found social life echoes in mind

depression and abandonment settles in

I act drastically

sure I have your attention now but at what price

the want, validation and attention I sought out i gained

but at what price

your hurt, irreparably so

What I once thought to be damaged was unharmed and stronger than ever

in my madness I took a sledge hammer to the walls and foundation of the house

that was once a beautiful metaphor for our relationship

and I alone single-handedly brought it to ruin

now here I stand in the wreckage

face stained with tears with one question in my mind

“was it all worth it?”

the answer

“no”

Nothing is worth the price of your happiness

It was i that betrayed, hurt and abandoned you

You tried your hardest and I repaid your attempts with betrayal and selfishness.

I can never apologize enough

You will always be too good for me.

I will never deserve you, the amazing man that you are

one should never treat a blessing so poorly.

I just hope one day you can forgive me

and that

one day we can return to what we once were.

-Hannah

One day

One day I will have said my last hello and my very last goodbye

One day I will leave and it will be the last you ever  see of me
One day I will cease to exist to you,  no longer occupying a space in your world.

Where you ask?  I too wonder that
Maybe to another, or better yet the great beyond.

All I know is the pain has to stop, the stress is too much to bottle up.
I can no longer smile for your sake and say kind words to ease your guilt.

So please hear my words,  for this is my final fair well. With all the love this black hole of a heart can muster ……your
Friend
Family…..

Me.

Matters of the heart

Relationships start off strong, full of love and promise, and the possibilities; some stay this way while others fall stale and stagnant. The problems which once seemed so small become insurmountable mountains of doom, driving cracks in to the very foundation of your relationship; and those crack become rifts that engulf everything you once had into darkness. Now hate , resentment and pain fill you; love has no meaning to you and all you can see is your hurt, it consumes you. The intoxication of love has left you and is your coming down from a terrible high, your heart races and thoughts become irrational. You part ways, yet your thoughts return to that person, you call it hate; it hurts too much to call it love.

You think to yourself “if only they would change? things would be perfect” . Every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year, you think of this love-able fool. You date other people, and despite the company you keep; every fiber of your being is calling to them. The one who shan’t be named. The separation took way more out of you than you care to admit. A bond once so deep words couldn’t describe, just gone. Your connection going back to childhood. When your relationship began, seeds of friendship over time grew and blossomed into beautiful flowers of love. Sadly all of this wasn’t enough to stop the outcome that unfolded. Parting ways, felt like someone had taken my body and ripped it in two, then my heart and finally my soul. Yes a part of you is gone and forever shall remain with them. Sadly the love you have for them is too great, and you are powerless to reclaim it.

So I wonder now, was it really for the best? could things not have been different? Again i sit here wondering aloud his time, why couldn’t you change? People say they love others flaws and all, to them I say… no shout LIAR!

There are some flaws too great for love to overcome. Thoughts plague my mind, if you loved me just why couldn’t you change for me. After all it hurt me more in the long run. I can’t ever tell you these things, simply professing my heart here is more than I care to bare; sadly I need to get these feelings out. I feel like I am going to explode. I know you wouldn’t understand and couldn’t understand, it was after all me who stopped fighting for us and what seemed my decision alone to part ways. You may no longer thing of me as I do you, you may find me cruel for my cold goodbye; had you known me the way you claimed you would know its the only thing I could do to keep myself from falling apart. You were the foundation and pillars to my life and without you everything is that much heavier. You aren’t a bad person, you just don’t know how to love and be with another. I wish I didn’t love you, but sadly I did and always will.

My friends and step-dad tell me in time it will all get better, I hope and pray to God they are right. Sometime I think you are my soul-mate, and our connection is tested. When I am my saddest you message me as if you felt my pain.

Yes I love you that much will remain true. I always will wonder, was my choice the right one, what if in my impatience I lost something good. Still 6+ years is a long time to be with someone and see no results.

The Question

Part II

“I was good to him!  Don’t I deserve my time to talk?!?  To have my say” her face soaked from tears and her voice cracking with every utterance. She was hurting, and I couldn’t sympathize. I couldn’t allow myself to feel her pain,  this wasn’t the first time she had found herself in a situation such as this,  heck it wasn’t even the fourth.
I rationalized that it was her karma and her foolishness that wrought such an outcome.  Callous from time spent with her, as I sat listening I tried to remain impartial, but our time spent together wouldn’t permit such thoughts. She continued to sob.

The Not So Distant Past
I remember when I first met her thinking how blessed I was to meet someone so nice and as time went on that feeling turned to dread. One by one her friends disappeared and day by day moment by moment drama arose. Whether it was her blowing things completely out of proportion and over reacting or her letting her son do whatever he chose; both I simply couldn’t abide. Rather than confront these things at the time it happened, I simply waited for the right moment, the calm if you will to address my concerns. I myself, am not one for contention and drama, but I couldn’t stay quiet either. After discussing my concerns with her and sharing my feelings and thoughts, I realized my words fell on deaf ears. The conversation would always be switched to her needing a man and how everything will be right in the world once she found this mythical man. I simply gave up and kept to myself, I stopped offering my opinion and remained silent. I thought this to be my best course of action, I didn’t want to tell her what she wanted to hear simply to appease her because that would make me actively part of the problem.
She guilted me,  making me feel bad that she was a single mother; me being a child of a single mother I empathised with her. After all I saw how my mother struggled and the toll it took on us all. I sacrificed my personal life, my grades began to slip and everytime I attempted to protest, I was greeted with animosity and hostility. I thought to myself she was crazy. I still remember her rants of how it wasn’t fair for her, and everything was bullshit. I also remember thinking to myself you decided to be a mother, this is your burden… The world owes you nothing for your decisions made…..better yet I owe you nothing. I remember paying rent and utilities and having little left to myself and her coming to me in tears asking for more money. I would tell her it’s last and she would respond saying how ugly she felt and how no one wanted her and how she will die alone. After a while I would cave just to be left alone. However this wasn’t enough, when I received my tax return, she asked me to repay her security deposit. Fair enough, we all live there $1200 gone. Then the groceries $350 gone. Then she expected me to still pay rent and utilities! It became apparent, this woman was bleeding me dry.  I wanted to say no but I kept saying I am helping her, eventually it will be enough.
It was never enough, I  stopped coming back to the house. When I did it was to cook dinner for them and babysit her son. My inbox was full of messages from her crying saying everyone they meet eventually leaves. I now know why, her presence in my life was like wrecking ball leaving destruction in its wake.

Back To The “Question”
“Don’t I deserve a say!?!”  my answer to that should have been no, and I would have gone into a five point rant as to why she didn’t deserve anything; much less that. Instead I sat there quietly, turning my gaze elsewhere as she continued to sob. Insensitive, sure I can see that,  but there comes a point where you have seen someone do so much wrong to so many people; that you can’t help but wonder if they deserve it. Her ex called her crazy and psychotic amoung a bunch of other colorful names, just like the ones before him had done. Now if he was the first person to say then I would say he’s crazy and fucked up but he’s like the eighth person…….  they all can’t be wrong. 0.0