Tag Archive | honest

Midnight thoughts

Here I sit awake thinking

To myself, of all that I once thought

To be certain for sure

As I reflect on a previous conversation

That gave me pause

For the man I once thought

Constant and sure said something rather

Peculiar to me earlier today

Logical but peculiar, and normally

I wouldn’t have given it much thought

But in light of recent events I can’t help

But think that maybe there’s more to it.

He said “I don’t know what the next six months has in store for us, I mean …I hope our relationship grows and blossoms but no one knows for sure”.

Which is a far cry from his original statement where he stated “no matter what we would be together”.

But then again, he’s more secretive with his phone, looks at other girls I’m sure he thinks are prettier and I can’t help but ask myself why is he still here?? Is this just something in the meantime?? Or until he’s bored??? I dunno??? Only time will tell.

The question I keep asking myself is, why do I even bother to love??? Is he worth it??? Why did our paths cross?? What is the point of all this???

Like he proposed to me !?! For what just to act as though he’s still single!?!

Should we continue is this to be my life, feeling unattractive and not enough because at the end of the day hes always going to look at other girls on his page, and snap chat and friends list.

His reason is porn, he actually told me he needed to get hard so he looked up his friends naked picture to get hard enough to fuck me!!!!

I guess my exposed body wasn’t enough! I have never felt so unattractive in my life.

Like how would he feel if sat there gawking at my hot, tall, super packing, buff guy friends in my little groups and snap chats and shit to get in the mood to fuck him!?

Oh and then when I go to fuck him the wetness from the visual treat of my social media friends is ruined by the sight of him, because that’s pretty much what he told me when he said his boner went away looking at me after he looked at his snap chat whores and sluts.

He never looks at me the way he looks at them and when I send him pics he gets irritated, and it’s like if you don’t want to see me then like why the fuck are you even with me and hanging around!?!

I can send any straight guy a million pictures from any angle and they love it all, and never tire at the sight but him, he doesn’t even bother to look at them when I send….jut closes the chat. So m trying be cute and sexy is a waste, me doing my hair a fucking waste …not like he cares enough to notice and or comment preemptively, me doing anything is a fucking waste, unless I’m fucking cooking it’s a waste and will go unnoticed unless I bring it to his attention and ask. Guys out in the street notice but my fucking oblivious fiancee, he makes me feel sooooooooo sexy and special and wanted…..sike. jeez no wonder sex is a chore for him and I have to hound him for it. He can regal me of these epic stories of bitches past with these crazy sessions and I have to damned near beg….it’s because he’s obviously not attracted to me and it took me this long to realize it…..wow I feel really really stupid right now…..this is a new and uncomfortable feeling me, I don’t like it.

But then it begs the question what’s wrong with me that I have someone around that constantly makes me feel this way and tells me this is something I’m going to have to deal with while they work on doing better….

This I thought to be a child’s response.

Fuck me, what the fuck am I to fucking do !!!!!

I can’t even sleep, I’m so frustrated and upset like words can’t even explain.

Well that’s all for now. Goodnight guys and for those that follow, thank you and have a great night.

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Chaos that is love

I think about you all the time

Even though I don’t want you on my mind

And I know one may ask why?

To which I’d respond saying

It’s too dangerous

I feel in the midst of chaos

The storm, and the complications

That arise that you are my comfort

Yet I ask why?

You hardly know me

But I feel so electric and alive with

You

I fight sleep to enjoy every 

waking moment with

You

Knowing full well I have work in the

Morning

My schedule is such that the days we have

Don’t seem long enough

Yet I take solace in knowing that

I get to lay beside you at night

And in the morning greeted by

Your sleeping face, each and every

Day

On my hardest of days a hug from

You melts all the stress away

Your laughter quickly unravels

Any frown I can muster

This bothers me

Because how can I ever truly

Be mad at such an amazing person

You dazzle and sparkle in the most

Mesmerizing of ways

I see your aura clear as day

I feel your emotions, passion, and

Pain

At times your serious in a way

That’s alarming to me

With the most somber of expressions upon

Your face you recall memories

Not too fond but distant all the same

What am I to do?

I see your talent and potential

And I’m excited at the possibilities

Confident in yourself, 

you

Captivate those around you

I, myself was drawn to you

Unable to resist your charm

I felt like there was this magnetic

Pull that I simply could not resist

Knowing the risk I was drawn to

You

Like a moth to the flame

I danced around you as long as I could

Attempting to keep you at arms length

Until finally I was pulled in

Romantic, some would say

However danger registers loudly in my

Mind

Loving harder than ever, falling faster

Than before

I’m without a plan B

There is no back up plan

It’s just you

Leaving me vulnerable

Here I stand beside you

Logic screams all of this is Trouble

And warns me to proceed with caution

Because as high as I feel now

The ground can just as quickly

Rush upon me, giving me a reality

Check

My soul says to trust my heart

And feel his energy and vibe with

Him

My heart hopes he’s my forever

And we can do the family thing

And continue to have 

Awesome moments

Everything tells me to trust and not to be

Afraid

Your loyal, sweet and so caring 

Every day I sigh just in awe

And ever so grateful for you in my

Life

I wish I could put into words 

This crazy intense feeling 

Inside…..

Alas I digress

I just don’t want to be hurt

And I just want to make him as happy as

He makes me. 

To erase the pain 

And comfort, to be your shelter in

The storm 

To be the rock when needed 

To be what you are to me and more

Love always 

Hannah 
Till then this concludes my chaos that is love chronicles

Chapter I

Survival pt 1

Today I saw a therapist, which was weird for me. It was weird because in my mind it was pointless, I felt ridiculous for engaging in an exercise in futility. After all I tried this as a child and each response is the same. They delve into what is the perceived problem and then proceed to prescribe a potent medicine regiment designed to shut all of that shit down. So today I went in with the same expectation, in my mind I was ready. I trained myself to dismiss all that had been advised, I told myself to just go through the motions. 

I entered the office, I stood there sizing up the environment unsure of what to make of it all. As I stood there lost in thought, the doctor appeared and greeted me. The doctor walked me to his office, and asked me to take a seat I get comfortable; without thinking I removed my backpack and did as I was told. I crossed my legs, ready to block all the bullshit that was to come my way. 

The doctor took a seat and crossed his legs, notepad in hand; he smiled and informed me he’d be taking notes, he then asked if it were ok, confused I nodded, thinking to myself “what choice do I really have?”

The doctor smiled a friendly smile once more, and asked what brought me in today. I studied the face of this older stranger, released a heavy sigh and asked “where do I even begin?”. He said let’s start with this year, so I began to tell him of my 2017 existence. The frustration quickly built in my voice the more I spoke on it. This was weird to me because in my mind I thought it was all alright, but I guess it wasn’t. 

Once I finished regaling him of events passed, I said it frustrates me that I’m unable to be mad about any of it, I feel so broken and ridiculous. He asked me “is this normal?”. Well to me it’s been my life so yea it is. He was like how long has this been a thing, I shared it’s literally my life. He asked me to elaborate.

Again I did as instructed, smiling the whole time at my surreal existence, He asked “Do you know your crying ?”. Without thinking I touched me cheek in disbelief. I chuckled and said “that’s weird”. 

By the end of the session the doctor had surmised that I have been storing every all my trauma in a primitive portion of my brain, so when I am forced to relive those moments, it’s as fresh as if it happened that day. It makes the trauma more real to explain, its like I’m literally in that moment. 

When the session ended, I felt raw and more chaotic internally, but more receptive to the process.

Complex

Today in a conversation, a rather intimate one at that; I shared stories of my past and childhood. I shared memories I had not thought on in quite sometime. Questions were asked, seemingly insensitive ones I might add. However the one question that hit me was, do you think you have developed a complex because of past events?

This caused me to pause for a bit, I struggled to think of a response to such a direct question. I placed my phone on the counter, as I stood in silence. I took a deep breath, and exhaled and a heavy traffic of words poured into my mind. Still I stood frozen, trying find the best way to articulate my feelings. I was in a trance of my thoughts.

Then the most perfect string of words rung through clear as day. Sure it was a bit rough and seemingly unrefined but it was by far the most honest response I could offer.

“Life happens, people can be shitty. I feel we are dealt a hand of cards sometimes it’s great and sometimes it’s Shit. That’s how I rationalize it.  Nothing will ever happen negative to an individual without leaving scars,  deep ones at that. However we can’t let the world know whats wrong, now can we?  So you smile and pretend nothing is wrong. People like you better that way. If I for once let myself be a person instead of catering to others people wouldn’t like me or think as highly of me as they do.”

This comment, brought about a deafening silence in our messages. It was as if my words stunned him. I placed my phone down, and sat in silence for a while. My phone rang moments later, with his response. It appears my answer pleased him, he was content with my reply.

I can’t say for sure if my intent was to cater to him and respond in kind, however it worked out all the same. With that, I sad my good byes and logged off, there was a lot that weighed heavy on my mind.

Who Am I To Say

Recently a very distressed friend shared a predicament and based off the information provided it seems that the partner in question is not being very honest and might be being dishonest. This issue was openly discussed in group text, some of the responses were supportive and others were neither here nor there. As I poured through the messages, deliberating on my response something caught my eye. It was probably the most honest and sincere I have seen in all 43 of the comments posted.

“I know I accept my fair share of bullshit, so I am in no place to offer advice; but I can also open a proper can of ass whooping”

This comment said so much, using very little words. I know it doesn’t look like much but to me it was heavy. I myself accept a lot and just like others in the post was willing to add my judgmental; and somewhat angry two cents.

I wanted to say to call this mystery person whom I have never met a litany of colorful names, instead I sat there speechless with phone in hand. The fire that once burned angrily in my belly slowly began to die down; and in its place smoldering ash.

The truth and harsh reality of the situation is, I have no right to speak; when I myself am going through some shit. I sit here day in and day out, messaging the world and distracting myself with family; because I lack the strength to deal with my own mess.

I recently moved, leaving family and friends and a seemingly decent relationship of four years and six months. The days that led up to my untimely departure, were depressing and sad. My goodbye bitter, and remorseful; we agreed to stay with one another and agreed upon communication arrangements. I hoped for more time together but he had business with is friends and I just had to “understand”, not once could I be mad. Apparently wanting to spend the last two weeks before you move with your boyfriend is selfish. I was told that reacting to this made me seem irrational and selfish and pushed him away.However from where I sat, he seemed pretty far gone already; no help needed there.

Every day his phone was alive with messages, the messages started early and didn’t end until sometime the next day; allowing a hour or two at best reprieve in between communications. Low chuckles filled the room, quick glances and quicker responses, I wanted to know but wanted to not over step boundaries. I wanted to respect his privacy, after all no one wants to be the “crazy girlfriend”; that’s some how worse than being the neighborhood whore.

It wasn’t long before his presence at home dwindled from little to not at all. I mean sure he returned the next day but I never quite knew his whereabouts. To be fair, I was so suspicious about his behavior I wouldn’t have believed him anyways.

Well now I am sixteen hours away and I can barely get a hold of him on the phone and I miss him despite my last moments. The knowledge of my seemingly grim situation set in. Yes I stayed, yes a part of me feels like it can go some where and yes it would hurt me more to break up with him than it would to stay and deal with this….what ever it is.

Anyways this is what I thought on as I read that post and the comments that followed, I came to the conclusion that some things are best left unsaid and I should figure my life out before attempting to help others. After all what could I possibly have to offer, I pour my heart and soul into someone and I can’t even say without great uncertainty if he loves me.

I figured he would call, or text or video chat to say the least after all he cried when I left and told me how he didn’t want me to go. Perhaps it was all a grand performance, staged to lure me into a false sense of security….or maybe I am just too paranoid and potentially ruining my relationship….who knows. One thing is for sure my head is in a bad place, I cannot sort out fact from my strange paranoia, but to be fair years of mind games will do a number on you.

I need to seek spiritual guidance and a prayer/long conversation with God may help me gain some insight on my situation. As for my friend I wish them the best and that they choose the path that is most beneficial to them; relationships are hard and stressful and no one knows whats best for you but you.

 

There’s Insanity In Love.

I sit here tormented by my thoughts and selfish needs

I want you and only you

I spend my time thoughts filled and preoccupied as my body yearns for your touch and your warmth

The only happiness I have ever known in a long time

I cling to you, unintentionally smothering you

You push back, wounding me in the process

My mind is telling me to leave you be but my heart you see compells me otherwise

you push back harder and harder, your words become unsure and uncertain

I see what you refuse to

the two of us a drift on the tattered remains of our relationship

the distance growing with each passing moment

Unwanted, hurt, betrayed, rejected, and alone I lay at night

Betrayed because I am not enough, I cannot share the moments and thoughts with you

You need more, and at night you go out to get your fill

Here I lay trying not to smother you more than I have already done

Time passes

the thoughts of your absence and new found social life echoes in mind

depression and abandonment settles in

I act drastically

sure I have your attention now but at what price

the want, validation and attention I sought out i gained

but at what price

your hurt, irreparably so

What I once thought to be damaged was unharmed and stronger than ever

in my madness I took a sledge hammer to the walls and foundation of the house

that was once a beautiful metaphor for our relationship

and I alone single-handedly brought it to ruin

now here I stand in the wreckage

face stained with tears with one question in my mind

“was it all worth it?”

the answer

“no”

Nothing is worth the price of your happiness

It was i that betrayed, hurt and abandoned you

You tried your hardest and I repaid your attempts with betrayal and selfishness.

I can never apologize enough

You will always be too good for me.

I will never deserve you, the amazing man that you are

one should never treat a blessing so poorly.

I just hope one day you can forgive me

and that

one day we can return to what we once were.

-Hannah

Black and Foreign …My Experience

In my every day life, for as long as I could remember being black was a confusing concept….for me at least. I remember being in elementary school, in NY and heavily using Ebonics. Ebonics for me was my primary language. I got older, and the year of my tenth birthday; my family and I moved to Pennsylvania.
In Pennsylvania, I attended a suburban school where a teacher took interest in me and began to mentor me. I love my mentor despite her strict moments. She always corrected my speech. I oftentimes used slang terminology in place of actual words,  and my grammar left much to be desired.  I know that my grammar is still in a state of disrepair, but I’m getting off track.
After years of influence, thanks to my mentor; I no longer spoke as if I had a 3rd grade education. Junior high rolled around and I decided this is when I am going to start building up towards an amazing HS experience. I attempted to to make friends with the other kids and some it was easy others it was difficult. I remember asking the other kids why they just didn’t like me and was met with a look of disgust followed by this response “You look poor, and who names a black girl Hannah”. To my surprise this wasn’t a “white” kid saying this it was a “black ” kid saying this to me. I honestly didn’t know how to process this. So I hung out in the library and slowly my social circle became predominantly white. The black kids in my school thought that it was my attempt at being white,  and that I was ashamed at being black. When in actuality they were just  nicer to me, and had similar taste and interest.
Fast forward to adulthood and I am still dealing with similar stuff. I have been rejected by my peers at work because of my mannerism, and the fact that I choose not to slang. I am often met with people feeling like I’m better than them because of the way I simply carry myself. Also my name, as pretty as it is, is a no no.  As an adult I deal with negative reactions from both sides of the fence. Whether it be black, or white, some people just assume if you look black you should  fit a certain criteria. I remember working a retail job and a customer came up to me and asked me about a rap artist, to which I responded “I am sorry I don’t listen to rap” she then said to me word for word “how you black and don’t listen music,  I call bullshit ” I shrugged and apologized and said “I like rock, Punk Rock,  metal and the like” the woman rolled her eyes “you know you black right!? ” and paid for her merchandise and left the store. There was another instance when a customer, an elderly Caucasian guy came into my store and he looked at first I just smiled and greeted him and went about my tasks. The gentleman made his way over to the register and I began to ring him out,  he began to stare. I laughed nervously and joked about something being on my face,  he responded “you look foreign, your eyes and cheek bones…. where are are you from?” I smiled and answered “my family and I are from Trinidad, it’s in the Caribbean” the gentlemen then responded “oh yeah what part of Africa is that? ” I blinked a few times in disbelief and calmly said “it’s not part of Africa, it’s located in the Caribbean, and said you know black people or people of color whatever you choose to say, can literally be found all over the world. We aren’t all natives of Africa” the man smiled and said “I thought for sure that was an African country ” I laughed and thanked the man for his business and wished him well.
It’s not much better with my friends, I’m often introduced as the whitest black person they know, and told that I sound “white”. I told my friends, how ignorant that statement was. It’s like they are saying that people of the Caucasian variety or white people are the only ones who can speak intelligently. I also get teased for not behaving like a B.E.T extra when I’m upset in public. It’s insane, like I just don’t understand.
I was in the car driving home with my friend raging about everything, he laughed and said “well just use your accents and try your luck back in your home country “.
My family and I, most of us come from the Caribbean and with that being said there are some glaring differences; in terms of culture, practices, behavior and everything. I thought on all of this and simply said, “A true trini, could tell the difference from a mile away. I have spent 24 years in America, and have become far to Americanized to fit in back home. There is nothing more upsetting than to know, no matter what, you will not be accepted”. I also told him,  our likes,  dislikes and taste shouldn’t be dictated by stereotypes or what we think is acceptable by the black community; lastly people shouldn’t be upset when I say I’m not African American, because I’m not and quite frankly neither are the ones labeled as such; who currently reside in America, they are just American. If you were born here and raised here your Fucking American. It’s rude to claim a culture you know nothing of.  It’s not giving up your identity it is claiming your home,  I don’t even understand the need for separation. I digress, being I guess societal “black and foreign ” isn’t easy,  but I’m just going to taken it a day at a time. This isn’t to offend people, who want to identify as African Americans, that is completely your prerogative.