Tag Archive | life.

Remembering Justin Johnson 

RIP I remember when your brother came to Gamestop and in asking about how your doing he told me you were no longer among the living It never fully registered in my mind that you were truly gone 

Until I saw your profile and went to add you as friend and my gaze met with the words “Remembering Justin Johnson ”

It hit me like a runaway freight train

Death being an eventuality for all of us is something I thought I understood 

Until today, when I realized This whole time I was hoping it was a hoax

This happens every time someone I know dies

I just can’t accept it….I know I still have growing up to do ><

I never got to say my goodbyes, we made plans to chill that never came to fruition and I know I’m late but I guess it’s better late than never

I hope your at peace and finally know happiness, at least I know your in a better place now.

We were best friends, schoolmates and the time we had together albeit brief will not be forgotten.
Love always 

Your friend 

Hannah Paul

Truth is 

So I’m not worth your time at my heaviest 
But I’m worth your time now that I’m slimmer 

I’m not as slim as your preference so you propose fuck buddy

I’m not yet beautiful enough to meet your standard of beauty 

I must have pathetic low self esteem cum dumpster written on my forehead

For you to think it alright to approach me this way 

Well the truth is at my worst I was way out of your league 

And now that I’m getting my shit together you aren’t even worth the courtesy of a response 

Much less the three minutes of sweat your advertising

The truth is I know my worth and my value and I shan’t be sharing any parts of my awesome 

with you.

So take my lack of response as the most respectful decline to your offer that I can muster.
To the fuckboy who messaged me

From Goddess Hannah 

My language, translation included 

They say that knowing is half of the battle

but what exactly does that mean?

Every relationship, encounter or experience is an opportunity to learn and grow

I have learned that I am stubborn, passionate, vulnerable, flawed, hurt, damaged, strong willed and I am currently running on borrowed inner strength.

I have learned that I have a want to be loved and liked by those that matter, I love hard and I do everything in my power to show my love, I have abandonment issues, I am terrified that I won’t be able to have a family of my own one day, I am worried that marriage may not be an outcome for me and I wont find the person who deserves all of my love and what I have to offer.

I have learned that I have to be fearless in order to not have to face my fears.

I have learned that all of these things have come together inside of me and I have formed my own language.

My “I am fines, nothing is wrong,” is a cry for help and love

My saying I don’t want children is because its a lot easier than admitting that I may not have a say in the matter.

My saying that I am fine being a lone and relationships aren’t for everyone, and marriage is over rated is my way of saying that I am afraid that I may not find the one and I should get used to being alone.

Me choking on my emotions and telling people to stop being emotional is my way of saying, I have been hurt so many times that if I allow myself to feel in any capacity that it will overwhelm. I need to keep it bottled, I can’t allow myself to feel or grief.

I hurt so easily, I pretend nothing phases me but a lot hurts, a lot is chipping away at me; but I have to be strong, I have to be cool, I have to be that symbol of inspiration. I can’t let my friends and family see me being human…. being human is not a luxury afforded to me.

I have over time developed a complicated language layered in fears, insecurity and wrapped in pain, stamped damaged.

My biggest fear is not finding the one who can translate and understand

The one that is patient enough to kiss the stamp, see the pain and embrace me and once unwrapped get through the layers and find me at the center of the chaos, stand by me and love me all the more for what they have seen.

I don’t want to pretend anymore and I just want to be and let my guard down, I need to be human and know its ok.

Until then, I will wait ….for the one I feel safe enough around to take down my defenses, and let see the real me.

Undecided 

I’m emotional 

I’m tired

I want to reach out…. 

But what could I say

We beguile one another with stories of everyday encounters 

And in between share sobering moments with one another

What are we doing? 

Who are we fooling?! 

I kept you a great distance away because I know what would happen 

And I know full well how things would play out. 

However like those before you, you wore me down

I find my thoughts revolving around you and myself looking forward to midnight talks I haven’t the energy for. 

Yet night after night I fight sleep, just to hear your voice and have our famous talks. 

As I listen to your voice that’s like a melody to my ears,  I am compelled to compliment you and without thought I do. 

There’s a chemistry that’s undeniable and a sexual attraction that is maddening to me. 

Your intoxicating in a way that words can’t describe. 

I want no one other than you to share myself with. 

I prayed for clarity on the matter and I suppose I have received my response……

Maybe it’s best we never were and potentially never be…. 

I’ll chalk this up as a love lost and dreams that never had chance to be. 

In the meantime you’ll always be my secret love and yet my greatest heartbreak. 

It’s like this

Life happens and it preps you for the next step in life
Lost a job, there’s better on the horizon
Lease is up,  there’s a better apartment waiting for you
Computer broke down, time for an upgrade.

Before you can get these next level things in store for you, life is going to kick you around and test your resolve.

Think of it as a video game, at the end of each level there’s a boss and with each level it increases in difficulty. At this moment you can tuck tail and go back towards what’s comfortable, or strengthen your resolve and kick ass and get what you deserve.

You deserve the best so never settle for less. Always remember that anything worth having in life isn’t going to be easy to obtain.

Fair is fair…. Or is it?

A series of events took place
And now we are both here
You in your hour of need
Wrought with Ill intent
And me on my way
To where?  You could care less
Yet here We Stand
A decision must be made
Weapon in hand you make your demands
Bag in tow, speechless I remain
Comply or fight?
Either way I may still be hurt
One way I’m twice the loser
The other I may the victor
Self defense is what they’ll
Say
Your life in your hands and both
Of ours in mine
But fair is fair….
Your health noticeabley deteriorated
I can over power you
But to be safe I’d have to wound you
I know reasoning with you is not an
Option
My back to the wall and time of the
Essence
The time for action nigh
If I do this… There’s no going
Back
No matter what forever changed I’ll
Remain
You lunge seeing opportunity, in my
Distracted gaze
Barely missing, I begin to sob
You have forced my hands
My choices now die and be robbed
Or defend
Oh how I wish things were different
That none of this happened
Your grip loosens on the weapon
Seeing this opportunity
I grab it and plunge it deep into
Your body
A sigh of relief escapes my lips
My body shakes, despite the danger
Passing
I look down
What have I done?
Fear in your eyes, somehow betrayal
This is not at all how you thought it
Would end
Tears streaming down my face
In shock
Fair is fair, I tell myself
Yes self defense is what it’ll be
I wrestle with my thoughts as I look for my
Phone
I dial 9-1-1
The operator on the phone
I choke on the words “help please”
My phone falls to the floor as
I collapse next to this poor soul
That the fates will soon claim
I want to say it’ll be alright, and to hold on
But instead I say nothing and continue to cry into
Silence and dark of night
Anger and frustration knots in
My chest
In another life, maybe I died
And he lived
Maybe I should have died but defied death
His prize?
Why should I live and you not?
Why?
Here I remain
Tortured by the events that took place
Is this really fair?
I don’t know what brought you to me
On this night
What I do know is for all your
Pain, and suffering, and struggles
You deserved better
And I feel worse for having survived
And one thing left to be known
Fair is fair…. Or is it?
For there was no fairness this day

There’s Insanity In Love.

I sit here tormented by my thoughts and selfish needs

I want you and only you

I spend my time thoughts filled and preoccupied as my body yearns for your touch and your warmth

The only happiness I have ever known in a long time

I cling to you, unintentionally smothering you

You push back, wounding me in the process

My mind is telling me to leave you be but my heart you see compells me otherwise

you push back harder and harder, your words become unsure and uncertain

I see what you refuse to

the two of us a drift on the tattered remains of our relationship

the distance growing with each passing moment

Unwanted, hurt, betrayed, rejected, and alone I lay at night

Betrayed because I am not enough, I cannot share the moments and thoughts with you

You need more, and at night you go out to get your fill

Here I lay trying not to smother you more than I have already done

Time passes

the thoughts of your absence and new found social life echoes in mind

depression and abandonment settles in

I act drastically

sure I have your attention now but at what price

the want, validation and attention I sought out i gained

but at what price

your hurt, irreparably so

What I once thought to be damaged was unharmed and stronger than ever

in my madness I took a sledge hammer to the walls and foundation of the house

that was once a beautiful metaphor for our relationship

and I alone single-handedly brought it to ruin

now here I stand in the wreckage

face stained with tears with one question in my mind

“was it all worth it?”

the answer

“no”

Nothing is worth the price of your happiness

It was i that betrayed, hurt and abandoned you

You tried your hardest and I repaid your attempts with betrayal and selfishness.

I can never apologize enough

You will always be too good for me.

I will never deserve you, the amazing man that you are

one should never treat a blessing so poorly.

I just hope one day you can forgive me

and that

one day we can return to what we once were.

-Hannah