Tag Archive | love

Maybe

Maybe things just happen

Maybe there is no rhyme or reason

Maybe it’s more comforting to add meaning to events past

Bad things happen and because we can’t cope and it can’t be rationalized 

We have to add means to it, so we can accept what’s already done.

There is a law of attraction but there are also things that happen just because 

People are flawed and there is a lot of hurt and fucked up people in this world

At any point in time you can easily cross paths and things play out bad.

Maybe we need to accept that everything can’t be explained.

Maybe we need to understand that bad things will happen, that’s not to say that you can’t or shouldn’t be positive, but more so to accept it as an eventuality and know that it’s all temporary and we have a lot to be grateful for at the end of the day.

Everything will get better in time.

Survival pt 1

Today I saw a therapist, which was weird for me. It was weird because in my mind it was pointless, I felt ridiculous for engaging in an exercise in futility. After all I tried this as a child and each response is the same. They delve into what is the perceived problem and then proceed to prescribe a potent medicine regiment designed to shut all of that shit down. So today I went in with the same expectation, in my mind I was ready. I trained myself to dismiss all that had been advised, I told myself to just go through the motions. 

I entered the office, I stood there sizing up the environment unsure of what to make of it all. As I stood there lost in thought, the doctor appeared and greeted me. The doctor walked me to his office, and asked me to take a seat I get comfortable; without thinking I removed my backpack and did as I was told. I crossed my legs, ready to block all the bullshit that was to come my way. 

The doctor took a seat and crossed his legs, notepad in hand; he smiled and informed me he’d be taking notes, he then asked if it were ok, confused I nodded, thinking to myself “what choice do I really have?”

The doctor smiled a friendly smile once more, and asked what brought me in today. I studied the face of this older stranger, released a heavy sigh and asked “where do I even begin?”. He said let’s start with this year, so I began to tell him of my 2017 existence. The frustration quickly built in my voice the more I spoke on it. This was weird to me because in my mind I thought it was all alright, but I guess it wasn’t. 

Once I finished regaling him of events passed, I said it frustrates me that I’m unable to be mad about any of it, I feel so broken and ridiculous. He asked me “is this normal?”. Well to me it’s been my life so yea it is. He was like how long has this been a thing, I shared it’s literally my life. He asked me to elaborate.

Again I did as instructed, smiling the whole time at my surreal existence, He asked “Do you know your crying ?”. Without thinking I touched me cheek in disbelief. I chuckled and said “that’s weird”. 

By the end of the session the doctor had surmised that I have been storing every all my trauma in a primitive portion of my brain, so when I am forced to relive those moments, it’s as fresh as if it happened that day. It makes the trauma more real to explain, its like I’m literally in that moment. 

When the session ended, I felt raw and more chaotic internally, but more receptive to the process.

Understanding 

I have been called childish at times and judged for indulging in what would otherwise be considered and classified as childish 

But what you don’t know or see is that all day I suffocate that part of me for work, for my friends and prioritizing everyone else’s happiness.

At the end of the day my only selfish act is indulging that part of me

My childish part that by some miracle of God is still alive and well within 

My inner child allows me to smile on the worst of days and is my guiding light 

It allows me to shake off the wrong and betrayal of the world, setting myself aside to be there selflessly for others.

I didn’t get to formally meet or introduce myself to my inner child much less embrace it at the appropriate age.

This is what happens when kids are forced to think and act like adults in addition to a difficult life.

I couldn’t be a child growing up, it wasn’t safe….it’s something that you were punished for.

While as an adult one would think it worse, it’s a great comfort.

Shit happens and my inner child shines through being optimistic and full of love.

I wouldn’t trade it for the world, the adult in me if I had things my way would burn everything to the ground that belonged to the ones that hurt me.

We all have sides of us and coping mechanisms, if I were to shed mine…..the light within would be snuffed out; the darkness will take over and I will no longer recognized the person I know myself to be and love

My true nature, is a cold, uncaring, unfeeling, self centered, calculating asshole.

No matter what this world throws at me I cannot let it change me into what it wants me to be, I have to stand firm in who I am and who I want to be.

You can never understand, and to be honest I don’t blame you there are things I have yet to understand.

I know how things will turn out and yet time and time again I stick with it thinking my intuition is wrong. 

You’ll see me and cast your judgements on me and act accordingly.

Should you ever find yourself reading this, I want you to know at the end of the day I take care of not only my responsibilities, but those around me. Even knowing how things played out with us in advance, I want you to know despite the betrayal and lies, I enjoyed our time together. The love I have for you is very real, and I hope your alright. You’ve had it hard and you’ve made difficult decisions because of those your loyal to but it comes a time when you need to be loyal to yourself. I can’t be mad be I understand all too well, it’s a blessing and a curse but I wouldn’t change it. 

I sincerely hope you read this, my things can and will be replaced but you only get one life and even if reincarnations are real, you only get this life with this consciousness; don’t waste it on those who don’t value or appreciate you.

Love always 

HP

Calm 

Be the calm and never the storm

When you see your partner or friend

Stressing, be that calm and be that 

Comfort, be their idea of home and 

Safety and comfort 

Let go of petty behavior, step outside 

Of yourself and see what they are 

Going through and be there for them.

When we step outside of the house

It feels like the whole world is what 

We are up against, so be the support 

And the reinforcement 

Do not add to the numbers of people 

They have to fight and stress over 

The goal should always be to add to 

In a beneficial way and improve upon 

Moving forward.

Remembering Justin Johnson 

RIP I remember when your brother came to Gamestop and in asking about how your doing he told me you were no longer among the living It never fully registered in my mind that you were truly gone 

Until I saw your profile and went to add you as friend and my gaze met with the words “Remembering Justin Johnson ”

It hit me like a runaway freight train

Death being an eventuality for all of us is something I thought I understood 

Until today, when I realized This whole time I was hoping it was a hoax

This happens every time someone I know dies

I just can’t accept it….I know I still have growing up to do ><

I never got to say my goodbyes, we made plans to chill that never came to fruition and I know I’m late but I guess it’s better late than never

I hope your at peace and finally know happiness, at least I know your in a better place now.

We were best friends, schoolmates and the time we had together albeit brief will not be forgotten.
Love always 

Your friend 

Hannah Paul

Revolution 

Man can be exception but never the rule

So for those of you, like me seeking from them what’s missing within

I tell you this, that Road will lead to more pain than you’ll ever know

Because we are human and at the end of the day by definition flawed in every way

I say this with love, pain and tears I have shed along the way 

In hopes you’ll hear what it is I have to say

We are damaged and in ways that seem irreparable 

And that’s what this world will have believe and embrace making it our truth

But the truth is you have to wrestle the dark that once brought you false comfort 

In its cold embrace 

Break the chains binding you to the million pound weights that has kept you down

In self doubt and hate 

Afraid to love, building walls year in and year out with each betrayal 

It’s time to be free and love yourself in its entirety, be what you should be 

And not what this world wants you to be.

There’s a evil alive and fed in this world growing stronger everyday 

Its goal to snuff out the light…..the few that’s left in this world anyway 

Protect your light, protect yourself and don’t let the monster win

Don’t let the negativity and hate win, do not by consumed and join the Frey 

Be the trendsetter instead that lights the way

Helping the lost souls that cross your path, to find themselves the same way

Be patient because once we too was there

Love yourself, love those around you and never lose sight of your self. 

Since energy is contagious spread yours in hopes it’ll spark change 

Because at the end of the day 

Besides God, that’s all we have left anyway.

Be thankful for the good, bad, failures and successes 

Because at the end of it all we are still here today 

Stronger, smarter wiser in every way

I hope this message finds you well, and my love felt through these words.

I’m tired of building walls, no longer will I fear love, or be shamed for who I am.

I love me just the way I am.

What about you? 

Aren’t you ready for this change?

Break it down 

Your amazing with words

Energy is so raw

Yea your cute 

But what else?

You talk a good game, you say the right things

But in the end you’re nothing but broken promises 

You remind a lot of my brother and I learned from him

He’s the best, spinning tales of fancy that call to your soul but in the end

Your left with nothing but disappointment, years wasted, broken heart in hand 

And a pocketful of shattered dreams 

The vacant spot that once housed your beating heart, is now filled with bitterness, anger and despair 

I have seen many on this path before and as you entered my life I saw that very same path laid before me, I look up and see your extended hand and the smile that hides many lies.

Yea you’ve told the truth, but only what would make you look better in my eyes.

Its clear the invitation laid before me 

It’s so tempting, the pleasure and promise of good times 

This offer comes with a pain that I am all too familiar with and as much as I’d like to go with the flow and get lost in you…..and this ….whatever this is

However it is true this path I have been on has been lonely at time, but I trust God to guide and continue to show me the way.

I know it’s not for everybody, but I can no longer abide and entertain those beneath me 

Should their toxic energy stunt my budding growth.

After all energy is contagious and mindsets addicting, what I need is those who’ll fan my flames that I can aspire to, on my personal journey in life.

Sadly you are not it, and with this realization,

I must respectfully decline, but know this my love for you unlike your words is real.

-love always 

HP