Tag Archive | my day

Survival pt 1

Today I saw a therapist, which was weird for me. It was weird because in my mind it was pointless, I felt ridiculous for engaging in an exercise in futility. After all I tried this as a child and each response is the same. They delve into what is the perceived problem and then proceed to prescribe a potent medicine regiment designed to shut all of that shit down. So today I went in with the same expectation, in my mind I was ready. I trained myself to dismiss all that had been advised, I told myself to just go through the motions. 

I entered the office, I stood there sizing up the environment unsure of what to make of it all. As I stood there lost in thought, the doctor appeared and greeted me. The doctor walked me to his office, and asked me to take a seat I get comfortable; without thinking I removed my backpack and did as I was told. I crossed my legs, ready to block all the bullshit that was to come my way. 

The doctor took a seat and crossed his legs, notepad in hand; he smiled and informed me he’d be taking notes, he then asked if it were ok, confused I nodded, thinking to myself “what choice do I really have?”

The doctor smiled a friendly smile once more, and asked what brought me in today. I studied the face of this older stranger, released a heavy sigh and asked “where do I even begin?”. He said let’s start with this year, so I began to tell him of my 2017 existence. The frustration quickly built in my voice the more I spoke on it. This was weird to me because in my mind I thought it was all alright, but I guess it wasn’t. 

Once I finished regaling him of events passed, I said it frustrates me that I’m unable to be mad about any of it, I feel so broken and ridiculous. He asked me “is this normal?”. Well to me it’s been my life so yea it is. He was like how long has this been a thing, I shared it’s literally my life. He asked me to elaborate.

Again I did as instructed, smiling the whole time at my surreal existence, He asked “Do you know your crying ?”. Without thinking I touched me cheek in disbelief. I chuckled and said “that’s weird”. 

By the end of the session the doctor had surmised that I have been storing every all my trauma in a primitive portion of my brain, so when I am forced to relive those moments, it’s as fresh as if it happened that day. It makes the trauma more real to explain, its like I’m literally in that moment. 

When the session ended, I felt raw and more chaotic internally, but more receptive to the process.

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One of those nights

I normally go to sleep around 11pm…..on a good night, other nights however I find myself wide awake. So to pass the time, I either lay awake in the dark calm of my room, with my boyfriend tossing and turning beside me or do things. My favorite things to do in order clean, watch anime or mischief. Sadly tonight I am in neither mood so I am left with mischief. My mischief normally consists of me making chat accounts with suggestive pictures as the profile, to ensure a speedy response followed by the most distasteful of conversations.

I know that my boyfriend would disapprove, no matter how innocent my idea of play was and this fact alone made it more fun. The chats would be filled with promises of lewd acts, and empty promises; hours would pass by and eventually we’d say our goodbyes. Every encounter given a phony name, my last ditch effort to cover my tracks and keep my identity secret. These chats excited me in ways I have never felt before. I don’t know if it was the indecency of the conversation or the fact that it was forbidden that excited me more; maybe it was a little of both.

Most of the conversations started off with the men/women confessing their loneliness,and how long its been since they last sexual relations of any nature and quickly escalated into what could be described as extreme erotica, with a stranger and myself as the author. I spent a great deal of time on these chats, gathering regulars who eagerly and hungrily greeted me once my light turned green next to my username; indicating that I am online. I grew accustom to this and it became my routine.

Tonight I logged on as I had done many nights before, and one of my favorites had disappeared. This troubled me, why? I couldn’t rationally explain. Maybe I had gotten attached and was unaware? Maybe I had secretly wanted to carry out these acts with this stranger? or maybe I was simply reacting at all because deep down I am a child and I felt as though someone took away my favorite play thing. Who knows. I continued to search for my favorite toy, but to my dismay nothing. It was if it never existed.

Determined not to have this ruined my night I attempted to duplicate this sexually charged exchange with another. Sadly it wasn’t the same. I logged off, too upset and disappointed to say goodbye. I sat in my room this time with the lights on, frustrated beyond comprehension. Again my boyfriend tossed and turned, moaning fretfully and snoring gently every so often in his sleep. I turn to wordpress, my outlet. Even though I have no more to say on the matter, I am still not satisfied. This will have to do as it is now 3:19am, and I do have to work today. *sigh* it is indeed one of those nights.

Matters of the heart

Relationships start off strong, full of love and promise, and the possibilities; some stay this way while others fall stale and stagnant. The problems which once seemed so small become insurmountable mountains of doom, driving cracks in to the very foundation of your relationship; and those crack become rifts that engulf everything you once had into darkness. Now hate , resentment and pain fill you; love has no meaning to you and all you can see is your hurt, it consumes you. The intoxication of love has left you and is your coming down from a terrible high, your heart races and thoughts become irrational. You part ways, yet your thoughts return to that person, you call it hate; it hurts too much to call it love.

You think to yourself “if only they would change? things would be perfect” . Every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year, you think of this love-able fool. You date other people, and despite the company you keep; every fiber of your being is calling to them. The one who shan’t be named. The separation took way more out of you than you care to admit. A bond once so deep words couldn’t describe, just gone. Your connection going back to childhood. When your relationship began, seeds of friendship over time grew and blossomed into beautiful flowers of love. Sadly all of this wasn’t enough to stop the outcome that unfolded. Parting ways, felt like someone had taken my body and ripped it in two, then my heart and finally my soul. Yes a part of you is gone and forever shall remain with them. Sadly the love you have for them is too great, and you are powerless to reclaim it.

So I wonder now, was it really for the best? could things not have been different? Again i sit here wondering aloud his time, why couldn’t you change? People say they love others flaws and all, to them I say… no shout LIAR!

There are some flaws too great for love to overcome. Thoughts plague my mind, if you loved me just why couldn’t you change for me. After all it hurt me more in the long run. I can’t ever tell you these things, simply professing my heart here is more than I care to bare; sadly I need to get these feelings out. I feel like I am going to explode. I know you wouldn’t understand and couldn’t understand, it was after all me who stopped fighting for us and what seemed my decision alone to part ways. You may no longer thing of me as I do you, you may find me cruel for my cold goodbye; had you known me the way you claimed you would know its the only thing I could do to keep myself from falling apart. You were the foundation and pillars to my life and without you everything is that much heavier. You aren’t a bad person, you just don’t know how to love and be with another. I wish I didn’t love you, but sadly I did and always will.

My friends and step-dad tell me in time it will all get better, I hope and pray to God they are right. Sometime I think you are my soul-mate, and our connection is tested. When I am my saddest you message me as if you felt my pain.

Yes I love you that much will remain true. I always will wonder, was my choice the right one, what if in my impatience I lost something good. Still 6+ years is a long time to be with someone and see no results.

It Always Starts With A Call

Part I
So today started off weird, with me struggling to get out of bed and unable to shake the fatigue that plagued I would wake for brief moments at time, only to slip back into a deep slumber. Completely aware of what was happening, I began to panic. Here I was fighting sleep and hours away from my night shift and I couldn’t will my body to rise. A few hours later, a call disturbed my troublesome pattern. Relieved I rolled over and answered the phone, it was my brother making sure we were still hanging out later that night. Still groggy from my sleep, I answered confirming tonight’s plans and hung up. My upper body moved upright as if I were attached to a string and being pulled my an invisible force, I stumbled to the bathroom and began my wake up routine. Once completed, I moisturized my hair and scalp, getting the most time consuming aspect of my preparation out of the way. My stomach growled, shit I hadn’t eaten all day. My body was operating on auto pilot and I hadn’t noticed. I rotated my wrist revealing the time, it was 11:45 am. What am I going to eat? I asked aloud to no one in particular. I had been in between pay checks and was unable to shop earlier this week. My stomach let out another low growl, fuck it! I exclaimed, I’m ordering Chinese. Today was pay day after all, I could spare $10 maybe $15 and still cover rent and my bus fare. I knocked on my roommates door, anxiously awaiting a response. Within seconds a face peered through a crack of the partially opened door, without hesitation I said “happy dragon menu, my bf tossed mine and I am super sorry to bug you”. The face disappeared and in its place the menu I requested. I then asked if they wanted anything as I was ordering and was instructed to order a shrimp roll. I placed my order and hung up the phone. Bored and hungry I turned on my xfinity on demand and began watching justified. My mind was elsewhere, my thoughts preoccupied with yesterday’s blog and the conversation that spurred it. I also thought on today and why it seemed to drag on and the feeling of dread creeping up within me. Justified ended and the Chinese arrived, I decided to see if a new episode of empire was available. “Yeeeeees!” I almost shouted, not only was a new episode of empire available but always sunny in Philadelphia was also available and two episodes at that. I looked at the time 12:55pm, I had less than an hour to eat and get ready for work; empire it is, seeing how it’s 28 minutes long.
I finished eating and got dressed to go to work, and headed out to start my daily commute. The 22 and the 16 bus rode by as I stood their in disbelief. Ugh! fine I will have to take an alternate route luckily, I had just enough time to make it to my first bus.
An hour later, I am at work and getting caught up for the task at hand for the day. At 5pm I find out a friend lost a job, and at 6pm found another friends boyfriend is cheating on her and she doesn’t know what to do. She is hysterical, and so was her son. I wanted desperately to tell her it’s life and to move on, but I also knew that she isn’t the type to receive tough love well. I let her cry and scream and vent, responding with “I’m sorry” and “he’s an asshole that didn’t deserve you” every so often.
I knew what the problem was, being her friend for years granted me insight, and because I know her I know I cannot be honest. The truth is she means well, but can’t help being a user. She does for others only to have something to lord over you with or guilt you into doing what she wants. She is the Best at emotional manipulation and the worst at friendship, but despite everything I cannot cut her off and leave her alone. She wants to be loved and goes about it in a terrible way. It’s like she panics and overcompensates in hopes of getting someone to marry her. She is beautiful, and can be really sweet but she can’t shake that desperate vibe she puts out. However to her credit this is the first man she didn’t ask for anything from, and sadly this is the first and probably the last man she will ever give everything to. It’s unlike her to he with someone she can’t get anything from. Her mantra for years has been” I need a man to take care of me and my son”. I have always disagreed with this notion. Nevertheless she took it pretty hard. I know, why would anyone want someone like this in their life? And I don’t know the answer to that. I feel like when our time together or interaction is complete God will guide our separate ways or maybe strengthen our friendship; who knows. I would also like to add that I am not perfect and I am riddled with inconsistency, and contradictions, and damage but I don’t look to a partner to fix or make me whole again. I also don’t rely on anyone emotionally. I guess with her being forty I expected more from her is all.