Tag Archive | my life

Calm 

Be the calm and never the storm

When you see your partner or friend

Stressing, be that calm and be that 

Comfort, be their idea of home and 

Safety and comfort 

Let go of petty behavior, step outside 

Of yourself and see what they are 

Going through and be there for them.

When we step outside of the house

It feels like the whole world is what 

We are up against, so be the support 

And the reinforcement 

Do not add to the numbers of people 

They have to fight and stress over 

The goal should always be to add to 

In a beneficial way and improve upon 

Moving forward.

Challenge named king

I don’t like you

I’m intrigued by you

Captivated even

I look forward to our interactions because of the challenge it presents 

Love, infatuations and relationships have no place in my world

I haven’t the time or patience to entertain a partner 

But you my latest play thing I’ll be more than happy to accommodate 

Until we speak again stay charming. 

The saddest of days

It’s a sad day when you drift away

Sadder still when the common ground you once shared and stood on no longer exists 

You see one another separating 

slowly at first

And as the distance grows,the reality that you’ve outgrown one another sets in and engulfs you

Before you know it your lost to one another

Our season of blue skies and carefree talks comes to an end as the winter of our discontent begins. 

I’d give anything to save us but with growth comes a price, which I now have to pay. 

A sad day indeed 

Sentiments

“Sometimes he just gets on my nerves” she says to me,  and continues into a man hating rant. I sit quietly and listen, thinking and reflecting on these same moments shared with my boyfriend.
As she randomly pauses, I interject with advice based on my very own experiences. She stops, takes it in as I speak and continues all the same.
This conversation and exchange went on for what seemed like an eternity but in actuality was only thirty minutes. As she comes to her own conclusions and wrap up the conversation, her boyfriend walks out to grab a smoke.
We greet each other and share smiles, and the conversation switches to video games and conspiracy theories, all the while my thoughts are somewhere else.
I thought to myself, how many times did I say the very same things she is and rant and rave and snap and have an attitude, knowing it would further deteriorate the situation. I never cared, now that I think back on it all. I release a heavy sigh, and a question shakes me back to reality “are you OK?” he asks.  I meet his gaze and nod slightly, as a wry smile appears on my face as I attempt to reassure them that all is well. I excuse myself and return to the apartment, from whence I came.
Shutting the door behind me I lazy twist the locks in place. I begin to make my way to the kitchen, to grab a snack as my feet drag with every step. I grab a pack of oreos and continue to think on thoughts long passed.

Complex

Today in a conversation, a rather intimate one at that; I shared stories of my past and childhood. I shared memories I had not thought on in quite sometime. Questions were asked, seemingly insensitive ones I might add. However the one question that hit me was, do you think you have developed a complex because of past events?

This caused me to pause for a bit, I struggled to think of a response to such a direct question. I placed my phone on the counter, as I stood in silence. I took a deep breath, and exhaled and a heavy traffic of words poured into my mind. Still I stood frozen, trying find the best way to articulate my feelings. I was in a trance of my thoughts.

Then the most perfect string of words rung through clear as day. Sure it was a bit rough and seemingly unrefined but it was by far the most honest response I could offer.

“Life happens, people can be shitty. I feel we are dealt a hand of cards sometimes it’s great and sometimes it’s Shit. That’s how I rationalize it.  Nothing will ever happen negative to an individual without leaving scars,  deep ones at that. However we can’t let the world know whats wrong, now can we?  So you smile and pretend nothing is wrong. People like you better that way. If I for once let myself be a person instead of catering to others people wouldn’t like me or think as highly of me as they do.”

This comment, brought about a deafening silence in our messages. It was as if my words stunned him. I placed my phone down, and sat in silence for a while. My phone rang moments later, with his response. It appears my answer pleased him, he was content with my reply.

I can’t say for sure if my intent was to cater to him and respond in kind, however it worked out all the same. With that, I sad my good byes and logged off, there was a lot that weighed heavy on my mind.

My Dreams

 

I am going to get the job I have always wanted, that I can enjoy and grants me all that I need in order to live comfortably. I will get vacation time, and see my mom and family and benefits and actually be able to buy that gym membership that I need. I won’t live pay check to pay check, I won’t need roommates and I will finally have a car. I will be completely self sufficient and I will actually be able to save money.

I know to some this seems insignificant but if you like me have worked years, busting your hump hoping to move up in a company that could careless, as you sacrifice every ounce of free time you have being loyal; showing commitment and dedication this means the world. As I type this I get teary eyed, because its not easy. The only thing I have is God, determination and optimism.

I got this and I will get everything I want and then some, because I won’t stop until I do.

The winds of change

Today I saw an old coworker/friend of mine as I made my way to the local target to get food. I normally put my headphones on and enact tunnel vision, but as I entered the store; my phone that was once unlocked and in hand for some reason I slid into the front pocket of my jeans. The automatic doors open displaying the escalator, 2 carts, a small family struggling to get off the elevator and a familiar face. I smiled and exchanged greetings, I studied her face. She looked tired and stressed, her once vibrant, happy, smiley and youthful face was now filled with fatigue and general discontent…..to be franc she looked miserable.

Me:
“why do you do it?  If you had a better option would you take it”
Friend:
“huh? Do what? ”
Me:
“you know what, please don’t play dumb. I know what it’s like to work here, it’s a horrible company…..to be honest retail sucks but if you had to pick your poison why not?  What if I told you about a better opportunity,  that I myself am currently working on; would you be interested? ”
Friend :
“I dunno, I’m invested here and no one likes change…”
(followed by a litany of other excuses)

Against my better judgement, leaving her with the information;  I left her with a terrible taste in my mouth.  Her outlook,  sullied my mood and I took her nonchalant demeanor personally. I immediately thought on my brother and best friend and thought to myself, wait until he gets a load of this.  I was ready to ridicule her decisions and thought process; I thought to myself just as soon as I’m off the clock.

Later that evening,  I sat down phone in hand; just ready to start the conversation and deftly guide the conversation to my earlier encounter. I texted him,  responding to a previous text I was unable to respond to originally because of work. He responded back, a few exchanges, I was ready to drop the information…… When I froze. Something in me told me that my action in progress was wrong.  My brother continued to text, the conversation drifted from the stage I so expertly built.

Here it is 3am, and I’m still reflecting on the events past. I have come to a realization. My realization is that just because  something is comfortable doesn’t mean it’s neccesarily good for you. We are all guilty of this in some capacity.

I am currently in a situation, where my needs are not met and I oftentimes act drastically to have them met.  I act out of character and I have changed. I realized that talking was a waste of time and I let a part of me I once thought buried and long gone,  run rampant. My feelings are not always reciprocated, and I felt at one point that I was pouring my everything into my significant other. I wanted to fix them in hopes of fixing myself in the process,  as time went on it felt like a void was draining me. Its hard for me to know when he cares,  his actions are often unclear. I do not trust him,  and it shows in my response to him. I know what I want and I know what I need.  I also know he may be incapable of giving me these things.  Despite all this I can stay,  and lie to myself and say I won’t change no matter what; when in reality you never notice the change until it’s too late and sometimes not even then……. Or I can cut my losses and leave.

While I don’t condone blame and take full responsibility for my actions and all that I have done,  when people do things to you or behave a certain way;  subconsciously a change is being made.  First it’s subtle and then more noticeable. Everyones actions has a reaction and no one person is completely to blame.

The more time you spend with anything the harder it is to leave. Maybe she isn’t dumb,  maybe she just got comfortable like many of us for far too long and change now seems like a chore.