Tag Archive | people

My language, translation included 

They say that knowing is half of the battle

but what exactly does that mean?

Every relationship, encounter or experience is an opportunity to learn and grow

I have learned that I am stubborn, passionate, vulnerable, flawed, hurt, damaged, strong willed and I am currently running on borrowed inner strength.

I have learned that I have a want to be loved and liked by those that matter, I love hard and I do everything in my power to show my love, I have abandonment issues, I am terrified that I won’t be able to have a family of my own one day, I am worried that marriage may not be an outcome for me and I wont find the person who deserves all of my love and what I have to offer.

I have learned that I have to be fearless in order to not have to face my fears.

I have learned that all of these things have come together inside of me and I have formed my own language.

My “I am fines, nothing is wrong,” is a cry for help and love

My saying I don’t want children is because its a lot easier than admitting that I may not have a say in the matter.

My saying that I am fine being a lone and relationships aren’t for everyone, and marriage is over rated is my way of saying that I am afraid that I may not find the one and I should get used to being alone.

Me choking on my emotions and telling people to stop being emotional is my way of saying, I have been hurt so many times that if I allow myself to feel in any capacity that it will overwhelm. I need to keep it bottled, I can’t allow myself to feel or grief.

I hurt so easily, I pretend nothing phases me but a lot hurts, a lot is chipping away at me; but I have to be strong, I have to be cool, I have to be that symbol of inspiration. I can’t let my friends and family see me being human…. being human is not a luxury afforded to me.

I have over time developed a complicated language layered in fears, insecurity and wrapped in pain, stamped damaged.

My biggest fear is not finding the one who can translate and understand

The one that is patient enough to kiss the stamp, see the pain and embrace me and once unwrapped get through the layers and find me at the center of the chaos, stand by me and love me all the more for what they have seen.

I don’t want to pretend anymore and I just want to be and let my guard down, I need to be human and know its ok.

Until then, I will wait ….for the one I feel safe enough around to take down my defenses, and let see the real me.


The winds of change

Today I saw an old coworker/friend of mine as I made my way to the local target to get food. I normally put my headphones on and enact tunnel vision, but as I entered the store; my phone that was once unlocked and in hand for some reason I slid into the front pocket of my jeans. The automatic doors open displaying the escalator, 2 carts, a small family struggling to get off the elevator and a familiar face. I smiled and exchanged greetings, I studied her face. She looked tired and stressed, her once vibrant, happy, smiley and youthful face was now filled with fatigue and general discontent…..to be franc she looked miserable.

“why do you do it?  If you had a better option would you take it”
“huh? Do what? ”
“you know what, please don’t play dumb. I know what it’s like to work here, it’s a horrible company…..to be honest retail sucks but if you had to pick your poison why not?  What if I told you about a better opportunity,  that I myself am currently working on; would you be interested? ”
Friend :
“I dunno, I’m invested here and no one likes change…”
(followed by a litany of other excuses)

Against my better judgement, leaving her with the information;  I left her with a terrible taste in my mouth.  Her outlook,  sullied my mood and I took her nonchalant demeanor personally. I immediately thought on my brother and best friend and thought to myself, wait until he gets a load of this.  I was ready to ridicule her decisions and thought process; I thought to myself just as soon as I’m off the clock.

Later that evening,  I sat down phone in hand; just ready to start the conversation and deftly guide the conversation to my earlier encounter. I texted him,  responding to a previous text I was unable to respond to originally because of work. He responded back, a few exchanges, I was ready to drop the information…… When I froze. Something in me told me that my action in progress was wrong.  My brother continued to text, the conversation drifted from the stage I so expertly built.

Here it is 3am, and I’m still reflecting on the events past. I have come to a realization. My realization is that just because  something is comfortable doesn’t mean it’s neccesarily good for you. We are all guilty of this in some capacity.

I am currently in a situation, where my needs are not met and I oftentimes act drastically to have them met.  I act out of character and I have changed. I realized that talking was a waste of time and I let a part of me I once thought buried and long gone,  run rampant. My feelings are not always reciprocated, and I felt at one point that I was pouring my everything into my significant other. I wanted to fix them in hopes of fixing myself in the process,  as time went on it felt like a void was draining me. Its hard for me to know when he cares,  his actions are often unclear. I do not trust him,  and it shows in my response to him. I know what I want and I know what I need.  I also know he may be incapable of giving me these things.  Despite all this I can stay,  and lie to myself and say I won’t change no matter what; when in reality you never notice the change until it’s too late and sometimes not even then……. Or I can cut my losses and leave.

While I don’t condone blame and take full responsibility for my actions and all that I have done,  when people do things to you or behave a certain way;  subconsciously a change is being made.  First it’s subtle and then more noticeable. Everyones actions has a reaction and no one person is completely to blame.

The more time you spend with anything the harder it is to leave. Maybe she isn’t dumb,  maybe she just got comfortable like many of us for far too long and change now seems like a chore.