Tag Archive | personal thoughts

Calm 

Be the calm and never the storm

When you see your partner or friend

Stressing, be that calm and be that 

Comfort, be their idea of home and 

Safety and comfort 

Let go of petty behavior, step outside 

Of yourself and see what they are 

Going through and be there for them.

When we step outside of the house

It feels like the whole world is what 

We are up against, so be the support 

And the reinforcement 

Do not add to the numbers of people 

They have to fight and stress over 

The goal should always be to add to 

In a beneficial way and improve upon 

Moving forward.

The purpose 

Why am I here?

What stars aligned to bring about my birth?

Everyone has that hallmark response that everything happens for a reason or purpose 

But what is that? And what the fuck does it actually mean?!

Because if you think about it all the good and bad occurred for you to benefit another

So the abuse, the molestation, the heartache and suffering……

All the pain was to benefit another?!!

Which makes you wonder

Are we doing this all wrong?

We live for ourselves and maybe we are all stuck in this painful infinity loop because we haven’t woken up from a slumber of selfishness and self serve to realize that we are here for each other. 

There’s few days I open my eyes and not question my existence 

Fewer still when I don’t regret my birth

But constant is my thought that there literally no point in my life I wish to return to 

I embrace my role and can’t wait to serve my purpose maybe then I’ll know peace

All of this can’t be for nothing

Divided we remain due to ignorance 

The saddest of days

It’s a sad day when you drift away

Sadder still when the common ground you once shared and stood on no longer exists 

You see one another separating 

slowly at first

And as the distance grows,the reality that you’ve outgrown one another sets in and engulfs you

Before you know it your lost to one another

Our season of blue skies and carefree talks comes to an end as the winter of our discontent begins. 

I’d give anything to save us but with growth comes a price, which I now have to pay. 

A sad day indeed 

Safe to say

I can admit a great deal

Inspite of how much pain was caused

Yes I cut you as you did me too

But I got so caught up in the enchanting game of tit for tat I forgot two wrongs never equal a right

I noticed your distance and separation and after much pleading I outsourced my needs 

And yes it was emotional cheating, one of the deepest forms of betrayal 

You sought the secrets lurking within and instead found the skeletons of my misdeeds. 

At the time pride and arrogance clouded my judgement and I defended my sins heart and soul. 

We made up soon after and all seemed to be well, and we were united and whole….. 

Or so I thought 

It had been months when in the calm of my routine I felt a pain like no other, as a feeling of dread washed over me. 

Our souls were no longer bound and my heart was now shattered 

I couldn’t figure out why you assaulted my core so, nor had I the proof…. But everything was now broken 

I came to you numerous times questioning your loyalty to this relationship and your faithfulness to me

Each time you made me feel crazy

Until that fateful day when all was brought to light and denial no longer an option 

You came clean after hours of lies

And in that moment I realized my biggest mistake was loving and trusting you. 

In spite of all the time that has passed I’m still not over you, this I can admit. Everything to do with you hurts my soul, so I must keep my distance 

After all feeling is not a luxury I can indulge 

It’s like this

Life happens and it preps you for the next step in life
Lost a job, there’s better on the horizon
Lease is up,  there’s a better apartment waiting for you
Computer broke down, time for an upgrade.

Before you can get these next level things in store for you, life is going to kick you around and test your resolve.

Think of it as a video game, at the end of each level there’s a boss and with each level it increases in difficulty. At this moment you can tuck tail and go back towards what’s comfortable, or strengthen your resolve and kick ass and get what you deserve.

You deserve the best so never settle for less. Always remember that anything worth having in life isn’t going to be easy to obtain.

Strange feelings

My eyes tear to think of you
Why?  When I hardly know you
Yeah we have spoken
And exchanged emotions
Shared moments
But our hearts are now
Adrift going opposite ways
This feeling inside, I cannot describe
What you need, what you crave
I haven’t to give
A love I have never known
And support I have never had
Where you go? Where your
Journey leads?  Excitement
And joy
Where mine leads? Has yet
To be seen.
I am grateful for what we had
And shared
I loved you,  not just the idea
But you in your entirety
Smile,  flaws, personality, laugh
And quirks.
Your truly a blessing and I hope
To never lose you.
Tears roll down my cheeks
As I say to myself it’s for the better
You will be alright
As will I.

Fair is fair…. Or is it?

A series of events took place
And now we are both here
You in your hour of need
Wrought with Ill intent
And me on my way
To where?  You could care less
Yet here We Stand
A decision must be made
Weapon in hand you make your demands
Bag in tow, speechless I remain
Comply or fight?
Either way I may still be hurt
One way I’m twice the loser
The other I may the victor
Self defense is what they’ll
Say
Your life in your hands and both
Of ours in mine
But fair is fair….
Your health noticeabley deteriorated
I can over power you
But to be safe I’d have to wound you
I know reasoning with you is not an
Option
My back to the wall and time of the
Essence
The time for action nigh
If I do this… There’s no going
Back
No matter what forever changed I’ll
Remain
You lunge seeing opportunity, in my
Distracted gaze
Barely missing, I begin to sob
You have forced my hands
My choices now die and be robbed
Or defend
Oh how I wish things were different
That none of this happened
Your grip loosens on the weapon
Seeing this opportunity
I grab it and plunge it deep into
Your body
A sigh of relief escapes my lips
My body shakes, despite the danger
Passing
I look down
What have I done?
Fear in your eyes, somehow betrayal
This is not at all how you thought it
Would end
Tears streaming down my face
In shock
Fair is fair, I tell myself
Yes self defense is what it’ll be
I wrestle with my thoughts as I look for my
Phone
I dial 9-1-1
The operator on the phone
I choke on the words “help please”
My phone falls to the floor as
I collapse next to this poor soul
That the fates will soon claim
I want to say it’ll be alright, and to hold on
But instead I say nothing and continue to cry into
Silence and dark of night
Anger and frustration knots in
My chest
In another life, maybe I died
And he lived
Maybe I should have died but defied death
His prize?
Why should I live and you not?
Why?
Here I remain
Tortured by the events that took place
Is this really fair?
I don’t know what brought you to me
On this night
What I do know is for all your
Pain, and suffering, and struggles
You deserved better
And I feel worse for having survived
And one thing left to be known
Fair is fair…. Or is it?
For there was no fairness this day