Tag Archive | personal truth

Chaos that is love

I think about you all the time

Even though I don’t want you on my mind

And I know one may ask why?

To which I’d respond saying

It’s too dangerous

I feel in the midst of chaos

The storm, and the complications

That arise that you are my comfort

Yet I ask why?

You hardly know me

But I feel so electric and alive with

You

I fight sleep to enjoy every 

waking moment with

You

Knowing full well I have work in the

Morning

My schedule is such that the days we have

Don’t seem long enough

Yet I take solace in knowing that

I get to lay beside you at night

And in the morning greeted by

Your sleeping face, each and every

Day

On my hardest of days a hug from

You melts all the stress away

Your laughter quickly unravels

Any frown I can muster

This bothers me

Because how can I ever truly

Be mad at such an amazing person

You dazzle and sparkle in the most

Mesmerizing of ways

I see your aura clear as day

I feel your emotions, passion, and

Pain

At times your serious in a way

That’s alarming to me

With the most somber of expressions upon

Your face you recall memories

Not too fond but distant all the same

What am I to do?

I see your talent and potential

And I’m excited at the possibilities

Confident in yourself, 

you

Captivate those around you

I, myself was drawn to you

Unable to resist your charm

I felt like there was this magnetic

Pull that I simply could not resist

Knowing the risk I was drawn to

You

Like a moth to the flame

I danced around you as long as I could

Attempting to keep you at arms length

Until finally I was pulled in

Romantic, some would say

However danger registers loudly in my

Mind

Loving harder than ever, falling faster

Than before

I’m without a plan B

There is no back up plan

It’s just you

Leaving me vulnerable

Here I stand beside you

Logic screams all of this is Trouble

And warns me to proceed with caution

Because as high as I feel now

The ground can just as quickly

Rush upon me, giving me a reality

Check

My soul says to trust my heart

And feel his energy and vibe with

Him

My heart hopes he’s my forever

And we can do the family thing

And continue to have 

Awesome moments

Everything tells me to trust and not to be

Afraid

Your loyal, sweet and so caring 

Every day I sigh just in awe

And ever so grateful for you in my

Life

I wish I could put into words 

This crazy intense feeling 

Inside…..

Alas I digress

I just don’t want to be hurt

And I just want to make him as happy as

He makes me. 

To erase the pain 

And comfort, to be your shelter in

The storm 

To be the rock when needed 

To be what you are to me and more

Love always 

Hannah 
Till then this concludes my chaos that is love chronicles

Chapter I

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Survival pt 1

Today I saw a therapist, which was weird for me. It was weird because in my mind it was pointless, I felt ridiculous for engaging in an exercise in futility. After all I tried this as a child and each response is the same. They delve into what is the perceived problem and then proceed to prescribe a potent medicine regiment designed to shut all of that shit down. So today I went in with the same expectation, in my mind I was ready. I trained myself to dismiss all that had been advised, I told myself to just go through the motions. 

I entered the office, I stood there sizing up the environment unsure of what to make of it all. As I stood there lost in thought, the doctor appeared and greeted me. The doctor walked me to his office, and asked me to take a seat I get comfortable; without thinking I removed my backpack and did as I was told. I crossed my legs, ready to block all the bullshit that was to come my way. 

The doctor took a seat and crossed his legs, notepad in hand; he smiled and informed me he’d be taking notes, he then asked if it were ok, confused I nodded, thinking to myself “what choice do I really have?”

The doctor smiled a friendly smile once more, and asked what brought me in today. I studied the face of this older stranger, released a heavy sigh and asked “where do I even begin?”. He said let’s start with this year, so I began to tell him of my 2017 existence. The frustration quickly built in my voice the more I spoke on it. This was weird to me because in my mind I thought it was all alright, but I guess it wasn’t. 

Once I finished regaling him of events passed, I said it frustrates me that I’m unable to be mad about any of it, I feel so broken and ridiculous. He asked me “is this normal?”. Well to me it’s been my life so yea it is. He was like how long has this been a thing, I shared it’s literally my life. He asked me to elaborate.

Again I did as instructed, smiling the whole time at my surreal existence, He asked “Do you know your crying ?”. Without thinking I touched me cheek in disbelief. I chuckled and said “that’s weird”. 

By the end of the session the doctor had surmised that I have been storing every all my trauma in a primitive portion of my brain, so when I am forced to relive those moments, it’s as fresh as if it happened that day. It makes the trauma more real to explain, its like I’m literally in that moment. 

When the session ended, I felt raw and more chaotic internally, but more receptive to the process.

The saddest of days

It’s a sad day when you drift away

Sadder still when the common ground you once shared and stood on no longer exists 

You see one another separating 

slowly at first

And as the distance grows,the reality that you’ve outgrown one another sets in and engulfs you

Before you know it your lost to one another

Our season of blue skies and carefree talks comes to an end as the winter of our discontent begins. 

I’d give anything to save us but with growth comes a price, which I now have to pay. 

A sad day indeed 

Safe to say

I can admit a great deal

Inspite of how much pain was caused

Yes I cut you as you did me too

But I got so caught up in the enchanting game of tit for tat I forgot two wrongs never equal a right

I noticed your distance and separation and after much pleading I outsourced my needs 

And yes it was emotional cheating, one of the deepest forms of betrayal 

You sought the secrets lurking within and instead found the skeletons of my misdeeds. 

At the time pride and arrogance clouded my judgement and I defended my sins heart and soul. 

We made up soon after and all seemed to be well, and we were united and whole….. 

Or so I thought 

It had been months when in the calm of my routine I felt a pain like no other, as a feeling of dread washed over me. 

Our souls were no longer bound and my heart was now shattered 

I couldn’t figure out why you assaulted my core so, nor had I the proof…. But everything was now broken 

I came to you numerous times questioning your loyalty to this relationship and your faithfulness to me

Each time you made me feel crazy

Until that fateful day when all was brought to light and denial no longer an option 

You came clean after hours of lies

And in that moment I realized my biggest mistake was loving and trusting you. 

In spite of all the time that has passed I’m still not over you, this I can admit. Everything to do with you hurts my soul, so I must keep my distance 

After all feeling is not a luxury I can indulge 

Learn to love yourself

“love doesn’t hurt you. People who don’t know how to love, hurt you. Don’t ever confuse the two”
-Steve Maroboli

I have found this to be more true each and every day.  The reason why relationships fail is because of this fundamental fact. People constantly hurt their significant other and all under the flag or banner of love.  I find myself saying true love doesn’t hurt, it’s just not possible if it’s Sincere. I was told I was wrong because people do it all the time that doesn’t mean they don’t love one another;  when in actuality that’s precisely what it means.

I have honestly loved all my exes, and have honestly and always try to do what was best for them even if it wasn’t reciprocated; which brings me to my next topic.  Love yourself. If you love yourself (which I’m learning to do)  you will never allow anyone to treat you in a manner that which is beneath you. You will not accept someone who is not on your level,  that offers excuses, that tries to pass abuse of any and all nature’s off as love.  You will know that as a man you should be treated as a king because you treat your woman as a queen,  and you ladies will know that you should be treated as queens because you treat your men as kings.

I am truly tired of people treating their significant other as royalty, while they themselves are kicked and stepped on treated as dirt. We deserve better and we are better than this.

When we demand that people meet us on our level, we can make progress and stop this vicious circle of broken hearts and jaded souls,  we can stop the damage.
There are too many of us full of love and appreciation getting damaged by those who treat love as a form of control and a game. Guys, ladies and gentlemen we deserve better. I know now that I do and so do you.

There’s Insanity In Love.

I sit here tormented by my thoughts and selfish needs

I want you and only you

I spend my time thoughts filled and preoccupied as my body yearns for your touch and your warmth

The only happiness I have ever known in a long time

I cling to you, unintentionally smothering you

You push back, wounding me in the process

My mind is telling me to leave you be but my heart you see compells me otherwise

you push back harder and harder, your words become unsure and uncertain

I see what you refuse to

the two of us a drift on the tattered remains of our relationship

the distance growing with each passing moment

Unwanted, hurt, betrayed, rejected, and alone I lay at night

Betrayed because I am not enough, I cannot share the moments and thoughts with you

You need more, and at night you go out to get your fill

Here I lay trying not to smother you more than I have already done

Time passes

the thoughts of your absence and new found social life echoes in mind

depression and abandonment settles in

I act drastically

sure I have your attention now but at what price

the want, validation and attention I sought out i gained

but at what price

your hurt, irreparably so

What I once thought to be damaged was unharmed and stronger than ever

in my madness I took a sledge hammer to the walls and foundation of the house

that was once a beautiful metaphor for our relationship

and I alone single-handedly brought it to ruin

now here I stand in the wreckage

face stained with tears with one question in my mind

“was it all worth it?”

the answer

“no”

Nothing is worth the price of your happiness

It was i that betrayed, hurt and abandoned you

You tried your hardest and I repaid your attempts with betrayal and selfishness.

I can never apologize enough

You will always be too good for me.

I will never deserve you, the amazing man that you are

one should never treat a blessing so poorly.

I just hope one day you can forgive me

and that

one day we can return to what we once were.

-Hannah

One of those nights

I normally go to sleep around 11pm…..on a good night, other nights however I find myself wide awake. So to pass the time, I either lay awake in the dark calm of my room, with my boyfriend tossing and turning beside me or do things. My favorite things to do in order clean, watch anime or mischief. Sadly tonight I am in neither mood so I am left with mischief. My mischief normally consists of me making chat accounts with suggestive pictures as the profile, to ensure a speedy response followed by the most distasteful of conversations.

I know that my boyfriend would disapprove, no matter how innocent my idea of play was and this fact alone made it more fun. The chats would be filled with promises of lewd acts, and empty promises; hours would pass by and eventually we’d say our goodbyes. Every encounter given a phony name, my last ditch effort to cover my tracks and keep my identity secret. These chats excited me in ways I have never felt before. I don’t know if it was the indecency of the conversation or the fact that it was forbidden that excited me more; maybe it was a little of both.

Most of the conversations started off with the men/women confessing their loneliness,and how long its been since they last sexual relations of any nature and quickly escalated into what could be described as extreme erotica, with a stranger and myself as the author. I spent a great deal of time on these chats, gathering regulars who eagerly and hungrily greeted me once my light turned green next to my username; indicating that I am online. I grew accustom to this and it became my routine.

Tonight I logged on as I had done many nights before, and one of my favorites had disappeared. This troubled me, why? I couldn’t rationally explain. Maybe I had gotten attached and was unaware? Maybe I had secretly wanted to carry out these acts with this stranger? or maybe I was simply reacting at all because deep down I am a child and I felt as though someone took away my favorite play thing. Who knows. I continued to search for my favorite toy, but to my dismay nothing. It was if it never existed.

Determined not to have this ruined my night I attempted to duplicate this sexually charged exchange with another. Sadly it wasn’t the same. I logged off, too upset and disappointed to say goodbye. I sat in my room this time with the lights on, frustrated beyond comprehension. Again my boyfriend tossed and turned, moaning fretfully and snoring gently every so often in his sleep. I turn to wordpress, my outlet. Even though I have no more to say on the matter, I am still not satisfied. This will have to do as it is now 3:19am, and I do have to work today. *sigh* it is indeed one of those nights.