Tag Archive | relationship

Calm 

Be the calm and never the storm

When you see your partner or friend

Stressing, be that calm and be that 

Comfort, be their idea of home and 

Safety and comfort 

Let go of petty behavior, step outside 

Of yourself and see what they are 

Going through and be there for them.

When we step outside of the house

It feels like the whole world is what 

We are up against, so be the support 

And the reinforcement 

Do not add to the numbers of people 

They have to fight and stress over 

The goal should always be to add to 

In a beneficial way and improve upon 

Moving forward.

Love sought after

Fear not the fire
That burns bright within me
Shrink not away from my light
Cast away the shield you use
Against my passion
Embrace me instead
Not just in my moments
Of weakness, sadness, and
Pure vulnerability
Embrace me in all forms
And in its entirety
The love I seek is
Complete, bold,  courageous
And unique
It will not say overwhelming
Or shy away, or use the words
Aggressive
It will look upon me in awe
Seeing my beauty, frailty, and strength
And embrace me
It will calm and nurture me
Time for us will stop
And in this stillness
Words said
You can let me in
I see your pain, I feel your hurt
And I’m here simply to love you
And only you
This love I seek is genuine
In action, and sincere in words
This love is pure, and unbreakable
And when we meet our hearts will
Beat as one
Our breath taken away
I too will see you in all your splendor
And in turn love you like none other
Until this day I shall wait

Strange feelings

My eyes tear to think of you
Why?  When I hardly know you
Yeah we have spoken
And exchanged emotions
Shared moments
But our hearts are now
Adrift going opposite ways
This feeling inside, I cannot describe
What you need, what you crave
I haven’t to give
A love I have never known
And support I have never had
Where you go? Where your
Journey leads?  Excitement
And joy
Where mine leads? Has yet
To be seen.
I am grateful for what we had
And shared
I loved you,  not just the idea
But you in your entirety
Smile,  flaws, personality, laugh
And quirks.
Your truly a blessing and I hope
To never lose you.
Tears roll down my cheeks
As I say to myself it’s for the better
You will be alright
As will I.

Complex

Today in a conversation, a rather intimate one at that; I shared stories of my past and childhood. I shared memories I had not thought on in quite sometime. Questions were asked, seemingly insensitive ones I might add. However the one question that hit me was, do you think you have developed a complex because of past events?

This caused me to pause for a bit, I struggled to think of a response to such a direct question. I placed my phone on the counter, as I stood in silence. I took a deep breath, and exhaled and a heavy traffic of words poured into my mind. Still I stood frozen, trying find the best way to articulate my feelings. I was in a trance of my thoughts.

Then the most perfect string of words rung through clear as day. Sure it was a bit rough and seemingly unrefined but it was by far the most honest response I could offer.

“Life happens, people can be shitty. I feel we are dealt a hand of cards sometimes it’s great and sometimes it’s Shit. That’s how I rationalize it.  Nothing will ever happen negative to an individual without leaving scars,  deep ones at that. However we can’t let the world know whats wrong, now can we?  So you smile and pretend nothing is wrong. People like you better that way. If I for once let myself be a person instead of catering to others people wouldn’t like me or think as highly of me as they do.”

This comment, brought about a deafening silence in our messages. It was as if my words stunned him. I placed my phone down, and sat in silence for a while. My phone rang moments later, with his response. It appears my answer pleased him, he was content with my reply.

I can’t say for sure if my intent was to cater to him and respond in kind, however it worked out all the same. With that, I sad my good byes and logged off, there was a lot that weighed heavy on my mind.

Who Am I To Say

Recently a very distressed friend shared a predicament and based off the information provided it seems that the partner in question is not being very honest and might be being dishonest. This issue was openly discussed in group text, some of the responses were supportive and others were neither here nor there. As I poured through the messages, deliberating on my response something caught my eye. It was probably the most honest and sincere I have seen in all 43 of the comments posted.

“I know I accept my fair share of bullshit, so I am in no place to offer advice; but I can also open a proper can of ass whooping”

This comment said so much, using very little words. I know it doesn’t look like much but to me it was heavy. I myself accept a lot and just like others in the post was willing to add my judgmental; and somewhat angry two cents.

I wanted to say to call this mystery person whom I have never met a litany of colorful names, instead I sat there speechless with phone in hand. The fire that once burned angrily in my belly slowly began to die down; and in its place smoldering ash.

The truth and harsh reality of the situation is, I have no right to speak; when I myself am going through some shit. I sit here day in and day out, messaging the world and distracting myself with family; because I lack the strength to deal with my own mess.

I recently moved, leaving family and friends and a seemingly decent relationship of four years and six months. The days that led up to my untimely departure, were depressing and sad. My goodbye bitter, and remorseful; we agreed to stay with one another and agreed upon communication arrangements. I hoped for more time together but he had business with is friends and I just had to “understand”, not once could I be mad. Apparently wanting to spend the last two weeks before you move with your boyfriend is selfish. I was told that reacting to this made me seem irrational and selfish and pushed him away.However from where I sat, he seemed pretty far gone already; no help needed there.

Every day his phone was alive with messages, the messages started early and didn’t end until sometime the next day; allowing a hour or two at best reprieve in between communications. Low chuckles filled the room, quick glances and quicker responses, I wanted to know but wanted to not over step boundaries. I wanted to respect his privacy, after all no one wants to be the “crazy girlfriend”; that’s some how worse than being the neighborhood whore.

It wasn’t long before his presence at home dwindled from little to not at all. I mean sure he returned the next day but I never quite knew his whereabouts. To be fair, I was so suspicious about his behavior I wouldn’t have believed him anyways.

Well now I am sixteen hours away and I can barely get a hold of him on the phone and I miss him despite my last moments. The knowledge of my seemingly grim situation set in. Yes I stayed, yes a part of me feels like it can go some where and yes it would hurt me more to break up with him than it would to stay and deal with this….what ever it is.

Anyways this is what I thought on as I read that post and the comments that followed, I came to the conclusion that some things are best left unsaid and I should figure my life out before attempting to help others. After all what could I possibly have to offer, I pour my heart and soul into someone and I can’t even say without great uncertainty if he loves me.

I figured he would call, or text or video chat to say the least after all he cried when I left and told me how he didn’t want me to go. Perhaps it was all a grand performance, staged to lure me into a false sense of security….or maybe I am just too paranoid and potentially ruining my relationship….who knows. One thing is for sure my head is in a bad place, I cannot sort out fact from my strange paranoia, but to be fair years of mind games will do a number on you.

I need to seek spiritual guidance and a prayer/long conversation with God may help me gain some insight on my situation. As for my friend I wish them the best and that they choose the path that is most beneficial to them; relationships are hard and stressful and no one knows whats best for you but you.

 

Lost treasure

“I know what’s wrong!” exclaimed my boyfriend,  and followed up with “trust, we don’t trust each other anymore ”
A quiet fell in the room, as I thought to myself “no duh!! Were you not here for the last year or so? ”

The silence was broken by his arrogant voice “I don’t know why you don’t trust me,  it’s not like I gave you a reason to not trust me”. His words had a smugness to it that completely disgusted me.

His words resonated with in me and brought a flood of memories, I’d not thought on quite some time. Moments of pain and depression that I hid with a smile, as I tried to act normal. Then more vividly than ever all the ways he has ever betrayed me and failed me as a partner.  It was like a movie of events were playing in my head.  I sat silent,  as I tried to rebottle all of my thoughts and feelings.  He continued his self righteous rant,  about how great he is and doesn’t deserve my attitude.  I let his voice fade from my awareness and trail off in to the background of my consciousness.  It wasn’t long before the sting of words brought me back to the current situation. “Your not even listening!?  Are you!? ” he said with an alarming amount of frustration.  I sat and stared blankly,  almost paralyzed by the situation.  I’m too tired to argue and fed up, I could respond in sarcasm as usual or simply let him have this moment.  I chose the latter of the two. I have been doing this for four years and I have grown weary. 

I wanted desperately to say, no scream “I DO NOT TRUST YOU!  YOU HAVE LIED BY OMISSION AND AT TIMES OUT RIGHT. YOU PRETTY MUCH FUCKED ANOTHER WOMEN IN FRONT OF ME AND CONFESSED THAT YOU WERE LOOKING FOR OTHER MORE COMPATIBLE MATES AFTER WE HAD BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR YEARS! AND THATS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG,  so to answer your question as to whether or not I trust you,  HELL FUCKING NO!!!!!  I’D BE A DUMBASS TO”

Instead I sat in silence, and stared.  He continued and then eventually got so frustrated he left.  I have grown used to this,  him being without fault and all the blame being on me. Him seldom being home. If you are wondering, yes I think he is cheating on me…. I just have not the proof to really have a sound argument. You text mystery people at all hours of the day and night,  I barely see you and to add insult to injury you keep hinting that your not ready for a committed relationship and you need space. So when I am brave enough I will give you all the space you need my love.

Trust is so precious, it’s hard to find and worst yet once lost damn near impossible to regain.

To my love, the man I’m unlucky enough to have love for; I sincerely hope it was worth it.

The winds of change

Today I saw an old coworker/friend of mine as I made my way to the local target to get food. I normally put my headphones on and enact tunnel vision, but as I entered the store; my phone that was once unlocked and in hand for some reason I slid into the front pocket of my jeans. The automatic doors open displaying the escalator, 2 carts, a small family struggling to get off the elevator and a familiar face. I smiled and exchanged greetings, I studied her face. She looked tired and stressed, her once vibrant, happy, smiley and youthful face was now filled with fatigue and general discontent…..to be franc she looked miserable.

Me:
“why do you do it?  If you had a better option would you take it”
Friend:
“huh? Do what? ”
Me:
“you know what, please don’t play dumb. I know what it’s like to work here, it’s a horrible company…..to be honest retail sucks but if you had to pick your poison why not?  What if I told you about a better opportunity,  that I myself am currently working on; would you be interested? ”
Friend :
“I dunno, I’m invested here and no one likes change…”
(followed by a litany of other excuses)

Against my better judgement, leaving her with the information;  I left her with a terrible taste in my mouth.  Her outlook,  sullied my mood and I took her nonchalant demeanor personally. I immediately thought on my brother and best friend and thought to myself, wait until he gets a load of this.  I was ready to ridicule her decisions and thought process; I thought to myself just as soon as I’m off the clock.

Later that evening,  I sat down phone in hand; just ready to start the conversation and deftly guide the conversation to my earlier encounter. I texted him,  responding to a previous text I was unable to respond to originally because of work. He responded back, a few exchanges, I was ready to drop the information…… When I froze. Something in me told me that my action in progress was wrong.  My brother continued to text, the conversation drifted from the stage I so expertly built.

Here it is 3am, and I’m still reflecting on the events past. I have come to a realization. My realization is that just because  something is comfortable doesn’t mean it’s neccesarily good for you. We are all guilty of this in some capacity.

I am currently in a situation, where my needs are not met and I oftentimes act drastically to have them met.  I act out of character and I have changed. I realized that talking was a waste of time and I let a part of me I once thought buried and long gone,  run rampant. My feelings are not always reciprocated, and I felt at one point that I was pouring my everything into my significant other. I wanted to fix them in hopes of fixing myself in the process,  as time went on it felt like a void was draining me. Its hard for me to know when he cares,  his actions are often unclear. I do not trust him,  and it shows in my response to him. I know what I want and I know what I need.  I also know he may be incapable of giving me these things.  Despite all this I can stay,  and lie to myself and say I won’t change no matter what; when in reality you never notice the change until it’s too late and sometimes not even then……. Or I can cut my losses and leave.

While I don’t condone blame and take full responsibility for my actions and all that I have done,  when people do things to you or behave a certain way;  subconsciously a change is being made.  First it’s subtle and then more noticeable. Everyones actions has a reaction and no one person is completely to blame.

The more time you spend with anything the harder it is to leave. Maybe she isn’t dumb,  maybe she just got comfortable like many of us for far too long and change now seems like a chore.