Tag Archive | relationships

Understanding 

I have been called childish at times and judged for indulging in what would otherwise be considered and classified as childish 

But what you don’t know or see is that all day I suffocate that part of me for work, for my friends and prioritizing everyone else’s happiness.

At the end of the day my only selfish act is indulging that part of me

My childish part that by some miracle of God is still alive and well within 

My inner child allows me to smile on the worst of days and is my guiding light 

It allows me to shake off the wrong and betrayal of the world, setting myself aside to be there selflessly for others.

I didn’t get to formally meet or introduce myself to my inner child much less embrace it at the appropriate age.

This is what happens when kids are forced to think and act like adults in addition to a difficult life.

I couldn’t be a child growing up, it wasn’t safe….it’s something that you were punished for.

While as an adult one would think it worse, it’s a great comfort.

Shit happens and my inner child shines through being optimistic and full of love.

I wouldn’t trade it for the world, the adult in me if I had things my way would burn everything to the ground that belonged to the ones that hurt me.

We all have sides of us and coping mechanisms, if I were to shed mine…..the light within would be snuffed out; the darkness will take over and I will no longer recognized the person I know myself to be and love

My true nature, is a cold, uncaring, unfeeling, self centered, calculating asshole.

No matter what this world throws at me I cannot let it change me into what it wants me to be, I have to stand firm in who I am and who I want to be.

You can never understand, and to be honest I don’t blame you there are things I have yet to understand.

I know how things will turn out and yet time and time again I stick with it thinking my intuition is wrong. 

You’ll see me and cast your judgements on me and act accordingly.

Should you ever find yourself reading this, I want you to know at the end of the day I take care of not only my responsibilities, but those around me. Even knowing how things played out with us in advance, I want you to know despite the betrayal and lies, I enjoyed our time together. The love I have for you is very real, and I hope your alright. You’ve had it hard and you’ve made difficult decisions because of those your loyal to but it comes a time when you need to be loyal to yourself. I can’t be mad be I understand all too well, it’s a blessing and a curse but I wouldn’t change it. 

I sincerely hope you read this, my things can and will be replaced but you only get one life and even if reincarnations are real, you only get this life with this consciousness; don’t waste it on those who don’t value or appreciate you.

Love always 

HP

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Calm 

Be the calm and never the storm

When you see your partner or friend

Stressing, be that calm and be that 

Comfort, be their idea of home and 

Safety and comfort 

Let go of petty behavior, step outside 

Of yourself and see what they are 

Going through and be there for them.

When we step outside of the house

It feels like the whole world is what 

We are up against, so be the support 

And the reinforcement 

Do not add to the numbers of people 

They have to fight and stress over 

The goal should always be to add to 

In a beneficial way and improve upon 

Moving forward.

My language, translation included 

They say that knowing is half of the battle

but what exactly does that mean?

Every relationship, encounter or experience is an opportunity to learn and grow

I have learned that I am stubborn, passionate, vulnerable, flawed, hurt, damaged, strong willed and I am currently running on borrowed inner strength.

I have learned that I have a want to be loved and liked by those that matter, I love hard and I do everything in my power to show my love, I have abandonment issues, I am terrified that I won’t be able to have a family of my own one day, I am worried that marriage may not be an outcome for me and I wont find the person who deserves all of my love and what I have to offer.

I have learned that I have to be fearless in order to not have to face my fears.

I have learned that all of these things have come together inside of me and I have formed my own language.

My “I am fines, nothing is wrong,” is a cry for help and love

My saying I don’t want children is because its a lot easier than admitting that I may not have a say in the matter.

My saying that I am fine being a lone and relationships aren’t for everyone, and marriage is over rated is my way of saying that I am afraid that I may not find the one and I should get used to being alone.

Me choking on my emotions and telling people to stop being emotional is my way of saying, I have been hurt so many times that if I allow myself to feel in any capacity that it will overwhelm. I need to keep it bottled, I can’t allow myself to feel or grief.

I hurt so easily, I pretend nothing phases me but a lot hurts, a lot is chipping away at me; but I have to be strong, I have to be cool, I have to be that symbol of inspiration. I can’t let my friends and family see me being human…. being human is not a luxury afforded to me.

I have over time developed a complicated language layered in fears, insecurity and wrapped in pain, stamped damaged.

My biggest fear is not finding the one who can translate and understand

The one that is patient enough to kiss the stamp, see the pain and embrace me and once unwrapped get through the layers and find me at the center of the chaos, stand by me and love me all the more for what they have seen.

I don’t want to pretend anymore and I just want to be and let my guard down, I need to be human and know its ok.

Until then, I will wait ….for the one I feel safe enough around to take down my defenses, and let see the real me.

Sentiments

“Sometimes he just gets on my nerves” she says to me,  and continues into a man hating rant. I sit quietly and listen, thinking and reflecting on these same moments shared with my boyfriend.
As she randomly pauses, I interject with advice based on my very own experiences. She stops, takes it in as I speak and continues all the same.
This conversation and exchange went on for what seemed like an eternity but in actuality was only thirty minutes. As she comes to her own conclusions and wrap up the conversation, her boyfriend walks out to grab a smoke.
We greet each other and share smiles, and the conversation switches to video games and conspiracy theories, all the while my thoughts are somewhere else.
I thought to myself, how many times did I say the very same things she is and rant and rave and snap and have an attitude, knowing it would further deteriorate the situation. I never cared, now that I think back on it all. I release a heavy sigh, and a question shakes me back to reality “are you OK?” he asks.  I meet his gaze and nod slightly, as a wry smile appears on my face as I attempt to reassure them that all is well. I excuse myself and return to the apartment, from whence I came.
Shutting the door behind me I lazy twist the locks in place. I begin to make my way to the kitchen, to grab a snack as my feet drag with every step. I grab a pack of oreos and continue to think on thoughts long passed.

Love sought after

Fear not the fire
That burns bright within me
Shrink not away from my light
Cast away the shield you use
Against my passion
Embrace me instead
Not just in my moments
Of weakness, sadness, and
Pure vulnerability
Embrace me in all forms
And in its entirety
The love I seek is
Complete, bold,  courageous
And unique
It will not say overwhelming
Or shy away, or use the words
Aggressive
It will look upon me in awe
Seeing my beauty, frailty, and strength
And embrace me
It will calm and nurture me
Time for us will stop
And in this stillness
Words said
You can let me in
I see your pain, I feel your hurt
And I’m here simply to love you
And only you
This love I seek is genuine
In action, and sincere in words
This love is pure, and unbreakable
And when we meet our hearts will
Beat as one
Our breath taken away
I too will see you in all your splendor
And in turn love you like none other
Until this day I shall wait

Strange feelings

My eyes tear to think of you
Why?  When I hardly know you
Yeah we have spoken
And exchanged emotions
Shared moments
But our hearts are now
Adrift going opposite ways
This feeling inside, I cannot describe
What you need, what you crave
I haven’t to give
A love I have never known
And support I have never had
Where you go? Where your
Journey leads?  Excitement
And joy
Where mine leads? Has yet
To be seen.
I am grateful for what we had
And shared
I loved you,  not just the idea
But you in your entirety
Smile,  flaws, personality, laugh
And quirks.
Your truly a blessing and I hope
To never lose you.
Tears roll down my cheeks
As I say to myself it’s for the better
You will be alright
As will I.

Complex

Today in a conversation, a rather intimate one at that; I shared stories of my past and childhood. I shared memories I had not thought on in quite sometime. Questions were asked, seemingly insensitive ones I might add. However the one question that hit me was, do you think you have developed a complex because of past events?

This caused me to pause for a bit, I struggled to think of a response to such a direct question. I placed my phone on the counter, as I stood in silence. I took a deep breath, and exhaled and a heavy traffic of words poured into my mind. Still I stood frozen, trying find the best way to articulate my feelings. I was in a trance of my thoughts.

Then the most perfect string of words rung through clear as day. Sure it was a bit rough and seemingly unrefined but it was by far the most honest response I could offer.

“Life happens, people can be shitty. I feel we are dealt a hand of cards sometimes it’s great and sometimes it’s Shit. That’s how I rationalize it.  Nothing will ever happen negative to an individual without leaving scars,  deep ones at that. However we can’t let the world know whats wrong, now can we?  So you smile and pretend nothing is wrong. People like you better that way. If I for once let myself be a person instead of catering to others people wouldn’t like me or think as highly of me as they do.”

This comment, brought about a deafening silence in our messages. It was as if my words stunned him. I placed my phone down, and sat in silence for a while. My phone rang moments later, with his response. It appears my answer pleased him, he was content with my reply.

I can’t say for sure if my intent was to cater to him and respond in kind, however it worked out all the same. With that, I sad my good byes and logged off, there was a lot that weighed heavy on my mind.