Tag Archive | snow

Survival pt 1

Today I saw a therapist, which was weird for me. It was weird because in my mind it was pointless, I felt ridiculous for engaging in an exercise in futility. After all I tried this as a child and each response is the same. They delve into what is the perceived problem and then proceed to prescribe a potent medicine regiment designed to shut all of that shit down. So today I went in with the same expectation, in my mind I was ready. I trained myself to dismiss all that had been advised, I told myself to just go through the motions. 

I entered the office, I stood there sizing up the environment unsure of what to make of it all. As I stood there lost in thought, the doctor appeared and greeted me. The doctor walked me to his office, and asked me to take a seat I get comfortable; without thinking I removed my backpack and did as I was told. I crossed my legs, ready to block all the bullshit that was to come my way. 

The doctor took a seat and crossed his legs, notepad in hand; he smiled and informed me he’d be taking notes, he then asked if it were ok, confused I nodded, thinking to myself “what choice do I really have?”

The doctor smiled a friendly smile once more, and asked what brought me in today. I studied the face of this older stranger, released a heavy sigh and asked “where do I even begin?”. He said let’s start with this year, so I began to tell him of my 2017 existence. The frustration quickly built in my voice the more I spoke on it. This was weird to me because in my mind I thought it was all alright, but I guess it wasn’t. 

Once I finished regaling him of events passed, I said it frustrates me that I’m unable to be mad about any of it, I feel so broken and ridiculous. He asked me “is this normal?”. Well to me it’s been my life so yea it is. He was like how long has this been a thing, I shared it’s literally my life. He asked me to elaborate.

Again I did as instructed, smiling the whole time at my surreal existence, He asked “Do you know your crying ?”. Without thinking I touched me cheek in disbelief. I chuckled and said “that’s weird”. 

By the end of the session the doctor had surmised that I have been storing every all my trauma in a primitive portion of my brain, so when I am forced to relive those moments, it’s as fresh as if it happened that day. It makes the trauma more real to explain, its like I’m literally in that moment. 

When the session ended, I felt raw and more chaotic internally, but more receptive to the process.

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Matters of the heart

Relationships start off strong, full of love and promise, and the possibilities; some stay this way while others fall stale and stagnant. The problems which once seemed so small become insurmountable mountains of doom, driving cracks in to the very foundation of your relationship; and those crack become rifts that engulf everything you once had into darkness. Now hate , resentment and pain fill you; love has no meaning to you and all you can see is your hurt, it consumes you. The intoxication of love has left you and is your coming down from a terrible high, your heart races and thoughts become irrational. You part ways, yet your thoughts return to that person, you call it hate; it hurts too much to call it love.

You think to yourself “if only they would change? things would be perfect” . Every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year, you think of this love-able fool. You date other people, and despite the company you keep; every fiber of your being is calling to them. The one who shan’t be named. The separation took way more out of you than you care to admit. A bond once so deep words couldn’t describe, just gone. Your connection going back to childhood. When your relationship began, seeds of friendship over time grew and blossomed into beautiful flowers of love. Sadly all of this wasn’t enough to stop the outcome that unfolded. Parting ways, felt like someone had taken my body and ripped it in two, then my heart and finally my soul. Yes a part of you is gone and forever shall remain with them. Sadly the love you have for them is too great, and you are powerless to reclaim it.

So I wonder now, was it really for the best? could things not have been different? Again i sit here wondering aloud his time, why couldn’t you change? People say they love others flaws and all, to them I say… no shout LIAR!

There are some flaws too great for love to overcome. Thoughts plague my mind, if you loved me just why couldn’t you change for me. After all it hurt me more in the long run. I can’t ever tell you these things, simply professing my heart here is more than I care to bare; sadly I need to get these feelings out. I feel like I am going to explode. I know you wouldn’t understand and couldn’t understand, it was after all me who stopped fighting for us and what seemed my decision alone to part ways. You may no longer thing of me as I do you, you may find me cruel for my cold goodbye; had you known me the way you claimed you would know its the only thing I could do to keep myself from falling apart. You were the foundation and pillars to my life and without you everything is that much heavier. You aren’t a bad person, you just don’t know how to love and be with another. I wish I didn’t love you, but sadly I did and always will.

My friends and step-dad tell me in time it will all get better, I hope and pray to God they are right. Sometime I think you are my soul-mate, and our connection is tested. When I am my saddest you message me as if you felt my pain.

Yes I love you that much will remain true. I always will wonder, was my choice the right one, what if in my impatience I lost something good. Still 6+ years is a long time to be with someone and see no results.

Simply Me

I woke up this morning, tired frustrated from the night before. Tired because I choked down NyQuil moments before my boyfriend tackled and kept me up for hours.  I know at this point most of you are thinking “there is no way you had sex for hours, you’d cramp up or something…… Right? “. Well normally you would be right but in this case your wrong. Long story short alcohol, sugar and walking around in a T-shirt makes for a sleepless night. Once he collapsed from what I assume was sheer exhaustion, I allowed the NyQuil to take over and guide me gently to land of sleep. When I woke later that day (which was yesterday), groggy, mouth dry, and eyes struggling to focus. I sat up, at the edge of my bed trying to get my bearings and to figure out how much of the day had wasted away as I slept. As my eyes cleared, I glanced over at my computer and thought to myself “Even though the distance is short, I don’t quite feel like wasting the effort to reach my computer”. Although the distance was short, in my sleep deprived mind it seemed like a journey from where I sat. Just as I was about to admit defeat and chalk the day up to a loss, a thought came to me;  my phone. I scanned the mattress and the nearby sidetable for the answer, and to my dismay it wasn’t there. I checked under the unclipped coupons from last week’s circuler, and underneath my pillows;  but each location turned up nothing.
Again I looked to me computer, hoping that I could simply will it to me, sadly this isn’t scifi. I am aware that it’s not possible  to will an object over but it doesn’t hurt to try. Finally I submit and begin this weird GI Joe half crawl to my computer, within seconds lI reach my computer; and shocker my damn phone lay beneath it blinking every so often.  I boot up my computer as I wake my phone to see my notifications. It’s 12:45pm, I still have to detangle my hair and deep condition it, and cook dinner before 5pm.  I take a moment to gather my thoughts and make my way to the kitchen. Forty minutes later the chicken is cleaned and seasoned and set to marinate.  *fast forward *By 4:30 my hair is done and dinner three quarters of the way complete. I sit down to take a breather, and to figure out the best way to style my hair. I fussed and cursed and yelled, but to no avail. I couldn’t figure it out. I finished dinner and sat on the edge of my bed and decided to just leave it, to just enjoy my curly and thick hair and be done with it. I said a silent prayer that it would snow harder than it has ever snowed before, so that I can have another day off to relax and get the hair products to keep my curly hair looking as awesome as possible. So far so good, I hope everyone can have off and relax and enjoy the snow from home. As for me I am calling out.

Goodnight world
Stay warm and sweet dreams