They say that knowing is half of the battle
but what exactly does that mean?
Every relationship, encounter or experience is an opportunity to learn and grow
I have learned that I am stubborn, passionate, vulnerable, flawed, hurt, damaged, strong willed and I am currently running on borrowed inner strength.
I have learned that I have a want to be loved and liked by those that matter, I love hard and I do everything in my power to show my love, I have abandonment issues, I am terrified that I won’t be able to have a family of my own one day, I am worried that marriage may not be an outcome for me and I wont find the person who deserves all of my love and what I have to offer.
I have learned that I have to be fearless in order to not have to face my fears.
I have learned that all of these things have come together inside of me and I have formed my own language.
My “I am fines, nothing is wrong,” is a cry for help and love
My saying I don’t want children is because its a lot easier than admitting that I may not have a say in the matter.
My saying that I am fine being a lone and relationships aren’t for everyone, and marriage is over rated is my way of saying that I am afraid that I may not find the one and I should get used to being alone.
Me choking on my emotions and telling people to stop being emotional is my way of saying, I have been hurt so many times that if I allow myself to feel in any capacity that it will overwhelm. I need to keep it bottled, I can’t allow myself to feel or grief.
I hurt so easily, I pretend nothing phases me but a lot hurts, a lot is chipping away at me; but I have to be strong, I have to be cool, I have to be that symbol of inspiration. I can’t let my friends and family see me being human…. being human is not a luxury afforded to me.
I have over time developed a complicated language layered in fears, insecurity and wrapped in pain, stamped damaged.
My biggest fear is not finding the one who can translate and understand
The one that is patient enough to kiss the stamp, see the pain and embrace me and once unwrapped get through the layers and find me at the center of the chaos, stand by me and love me all the more for what they have seen.
I don’t want to pretend anymore and I just want to be and let my guard down, I need to be human and know its ok.
Until then, I will wait ….for the one I feel safe enough around to take down my defenses, and let see the real me.