Tag Archive | thought provoking

Calm 

Be the calm and never the storm

When you see your partner or friend

Stressing, be that calm and be that 

Comfort, be their idea of home and 

Safety and comfort 

Let go of petty behavior, step outside 

Of yourself and see what they are 

Going through and be there for them.

When we step outside of the house

It feels like the whole world is what 

We are up against, so be the support 

And the reinforcement 

Do not add to the numbers of people 

They have to fight and stress over 

The goal should always be to add to 

In a beneficial way and improve upon 

Moving forward.

Complex

Today in a conversation, a rather intimate one at that; I shared stories of my past and childhood. I shared memories I had not thought on in quite sometime. Questions were asked, seemingly insensitive ones I might add. However the one question that hit me was, do you think you have developed a complex because of past events?

This caused me to pause for a bit, I struggled to think of a response to such a direct question. I placed my phone on the counter, as I stood in silence. I took a deep breath, and exhaled and a heavy traffic of words poured into my mind. Still I stood frozen, trying find the best way to articulate my feelings. I was in a trance of my thoughts.

Then the most perfect string of words rung through clear as day. Sure it was a bit rough and seemingly unrefined but it was by far the most honest response I could offer.

“Life happens, people can be shitty. I feel we are dealt a hand of cards sometimes it’s great and sometimes it’s Shit. That’s how I rationalize it.  Nothing will ever happen negative to an individual without leaving scars,  deep ones at that. However we can’t let the world know whats wrong, now can we?  So you smile and pretend nothing is wrong. People like you better that way. If I for once let myself be a person instead of catering to others people wouldn’t like me or think as highly of me as they do.”

This comment, brought about a deafening silence in our messages. It was as if my words stunned him. I placed my phone down, and sat in silence for a while. My phone rang moments later, with his response. It appears my answer pleased him, he was content with my reply.

I can’t say for sure if my intent was to cater to him and respond in kind, however it worked out all the same. With that, I sad my good byes and logged off, there was a lot that weighed heavy on my mind.

Who Am I To Say

Recently a very distressed friend shared a predicament and based off the information provided it seems that the partner in question is not being very honest and might be being dishonest. This issue was openly discussed in group text, some of the responses were supportive and others were neither here nor there. As I poured through the messages, deliberating on my response something caught my eye. It was probably the most honest and sincere I have seen in all 43 of the comments posted.

“I know I accept my fair share of bullshit, so I am in no place to offer advice; but I can also open a proper can of ass whooping”

This comment said so much, using very little words. I know it doesn’t look like much but to me it was heavy. I myself accept a lot and just like others in the post was willing to add my judgmental; and somewhat angry two cents.

I wanted to say to call this mystery person whom I have never met a litany of colorful names, instead I sat there speechless with phone in hand. The fire that once burned angrily in my belly slowly began to die down; and in its place smoldering ash.

The truth and harsh reality of the situation is, I have no right to speak; when I myself am going through some shit. I sit here day in and day out, messaging the world and distracting myself with family; because I lack the strength to deal with my own mess.

I recently moved, leaving family and friends and a seemingly decent relationship of four years and six months. The days that led up to my untimely departure, were depressing and sad. My goodbye bitter, and remorseful; we agreed to stay with one another and agreed upon communication arrangements. I hoped for more time together but he had business with is friends and I just had to “understand”, not once could I be mad. Apparently wanting to spend the last two weeks before you move with your boyfriend is selfish. I was told that reacting to this made me seem irrational and selfish and pushed him away.However from where I sat, he seemed pretty far gone already; no help needed there.

Every day his phone was alive with messages, the messages started early and didn’t end until sometime the next day; allowing a hour or two at best reprieve in between communications. Low chuckles filled the room, quick glances and quicker responses, I wanted to know but wanted to not over step boundaries. I wanted to respect his privacy, after all no one wants to be the “crazy girlfriend”; that’s some how worse than being the neighborhood whore.

It wasn’t long before his presence at home dwindled from little to not at all. I mean sure he returned the next day but I never quite knew his whereabouts. To be fair, I was so suspicious about his behavior I wouldn’t have believed him anyways.

Well now I am sixteen hours away and I can barely get a hold of him on the phone and I miss him despite my last moments. The knowledge of my seemingly grim situation set in. Yes I stayed, yes a part of me feels like it can go some where and yes it would hurt me more to break up with him than it would to stay and deal with this….what ever it is.

Anyways this is what I thought on as I read that post and the comments that followed, I came to the conclusion that some things are best left unsaid and I should figure my life out before attempting to help others. After all what could I possibly have to offer, I pour my heart and soul into someone and I can’t even say without great uncertainty if he loves me.

I figured he would call, or text or video chat to say the least after all he cried when I left and told me how he didn’t want me to go. Perhaps it was all a grand performance, staged to lure me into a false sense of security….or maybe I am just too paranoid and potentially ruining my relationship….who knows. One thing is for sure my head is in a bad place, I cannot sort out fact from my strange paranoia, but to be fair years of mind games will do a number on you.

I need to seek spiritual guidance and a prayer/long conversation with God may help me gain some insight on my situation. As for my friend I wish them the best and that they choose the path that is most beneficial to them; relationships are hard and stressful and no one knows whats best for you but you.

 

My Dreams

 

I am going to get the job I have always wanted, that I can enjoy and grants me all that I need in order to live comfortably. I will get vacation time, and see my mom and family and benefits and actually be able to buy that gym membership that I need. I won’t live pay check to pay check, I won’t need roommates and I will finally have a car. I will be completely self sufficient and I will actually be able to save money.

I know to some this seems insignificant but if you like me have worked years, busting your hump hoping to move up in a company that could careless, as you sacrifice every ounce of free time you have being loyal; showing commitment and dedication this means the world. As I type this I get teary eyed, because its not easy. The only thing I have is God, determination and optimism.

I got this and I will get everything I want and then some, because I won’t stop until I do.

The winds of change

Today I saw an old coworker/friend of mine as I made my way to the local target to get food. I normally put my headphones on and enact tunnel vision, but as I entered the store; my phone that was once unlocked and in hand for some reason I slid into the front pocket of my jeans. The automatic doors open displaying the escalator, 2 carts, a small family struggling to get off the elevator and a familiar face. I smiled and exchanged greetings, I studied her face. She looked tired and stressed, her once vibrant, happy, smiley and youthful face was now filled with fatigue and general discontent…..to be franc she looked miserable.

Me:
“why do you do it?  If you had a better option would you take it”
Friend:
“huh? Do what? ”
Me:
“you know what, please don’t play dumb. I know what it’s like to work here, it’s a horrible company…..to be honest retail sucks but if you had to pick your poison why not?  What if I told you about a better opportunity,  that I myself am currently working on; would you be interested? ”
Friend :
“I dunno, I’m invested here and no one likes change…”
(followed by a litany of other excuses)

Against my better judgement, leaving her with the information;  I left her with a terrible taste in my mouth.  Her outlook,  sullied my mood and I took her nonchalant demeanor personally. I immediately thought on my brother and best friend and thought to myself, wait until he gets a load of this.  I was ready to ridicule her decisions and thought process; I thought to myself just as soon as I’m off the clock.

Later that evening,  I sat down phone in hand; just ready to start the conversation and deftly guide the conversation to my earlier encounter. I texted him,  responding to a previous text I was unable to respond to originally because of work. He responded back, a few exchanges, I was ready to drop the information…… When I froze. Something in me told me that my action in progress was wrong.  My brother continued to text, the conversation drifted from the stage I so expertly built.

Here it is 3am, and I’m still reflecting on the events past. I have come to a realization. My realization is that just because  something is comfortable doesn’t mean it’s neccesarily good for you. We are all guilty of this in some capacity.

I am currently in a situation, where my needs are not met and I oftentimes act drastically to have them met.  I act out of character and I have changed. I realized that talking was a waste of time and I let a part of me I once thought buried and long gone,  run rampant. My feelings are not always reciprocated, and I felt at one point that I was pouring my everything into my significant other. I wanted to fix them in hopes of fixing myself in the process,  as time went on it felt like a void was draining me. Its hard for me to know when he cares,  his actions are often unclear. I do not trust him,  and it shows in my response to him. I know what I want and I know what I need.  I also know he may be incapable of giving me these things.  Despite all this I can stay,  and lie to myself and say I won’t change no matter what; when in reality you never notice the change until it’s too late and sometimes not even then……. Or I can cut my losses and leave.

While I don’t condone blame and take full responsibility for my actions and all that I have done,  when people do things to you or behave a certain way;  subconsciously a change is being made.  First it’s subtle and then more noticeable. Everyones actions has a reaction and no one person is completely to blame.

The more time you spend with anything the harder it is to leave. Maybe she isn’t dumb,  maybe she just got comfortable like many of us for far too long and change now seems like a chore.

Black and Foreign …My Experience

In my every day life, for as long as I could remember being black was a confusing concept….for me at least. I remember being in elementary school, in NY and heavily using Ebonics. Ebonics for me was my primary language. I got older, and the year of my tenth birthday; my family and I moved to Pennsylvania.
In Pennsylvania, I attended a suburban school where a teacher took interest in me and began to mentor me. I love my mentor despite her strict moments. She always corrected my speech. I oftentimes used slang terminology in place of actual words,  and my grammar left much to be desired.  I know that my grammar is still in a state of disrepair, but I’m getting off track.
After years of influence, thanks to my mentor; I no longer spoke as if I had a 3rd grade education. Junior high rolled around and I decided this is when I am going to start building up towards an amazing HS experience. I attempted to to make friends with the other kids and some it was easy others it was difficult. I remember asking the other kids why they just didn’t like me and was met with a look of disgust followed by this response “You look poor, and who names a black girl Hannah”. To my surprise this wasn’t a “white” kid saying this it was a “black ” kid saying this to me. I honestly didn’t know how to process this. So I hung out in the library and slowly my social circle became predominantly white. The black kids in my school thought that it was my attempt at being white,  and that I was ashamed at being black. When in actuality they were just  nicer to me, and had similar taste and interest.
Fast forward to adulthood and I am still dealing with similar stuff. I have been rejected by my peers at work because of my mannerism, and the fact that I choose not to slang. I am often met with people feeling like I’m better than them because of the way I simply carry myself. Also my name, as pretty as it is, is a no no.  As an adult I deal with negative reactions from both sides of the fence. Whether it be black, or white, some people just assume if you look black you should  fit a certain criteria. I remember working a retail job and a customer came up to me and asked me about a rap artist, to which I responded “I am sorry I don’t listen to rap” she then said to me word for word “how you black and don’t listen music,  I call bullshit ” I shrugged and apologized and said “I like rock, Punk Rock,  metal and the like” the woman rolled her eyes “you know you black right!? ” and paid for her merchandise and left the store. There was another instance when a customer, an elderly Caucasian guy came into my store and he looked at first I just smiled and greeted him and went about my tasks. The gentleman made his way over to the register and I began to ring him out,  he began to stare. I laughed nervously and joked about something being on my face,  he responded “you look foreign, your eyes and cheek bones…. where are are you from?” I smiled and answered “my family and I are from Trinidad, it’s in the Caribbean” the gentlemen then responded “oh yeah what part of Africa is that? ” I blinked a few times in disbelief and calmly said “it’s not part of Africa, it’s located in the Caribbean, and said you know black people or people of color whatever you choose to say, can literally be found all over the world. We aren’t all natives of Africa” the man smiled and said “I thought for sure that was an African country ” I laughed and thanked the man for his business and wished him well.
It’s not much better with my friends, I’m often introduced as the whitest black person they know, and told that I sound “white”. I told my friends, how ignorant that statement was. It’s like they are saying that people of the Caucasian variety or white people are the only ones who can speak intelligently. I also get teased for not behaving like a B.E.T extra when I’m upset in public. It’s insane, like I just don’t understand.
I was in the car driving home with my friend raging about everything, he laughed and said “well just use your accents and try your luck back in your home country “.
My family and I, most of us come from the Caribbean and with that being said there are some glaring differences; in terms of culture, practices, behavior and everything. I thought on all of this and simply said, “A true trini, could tell the difference from a mile away. I have spent 24 years in America, and have become far to Americanized to fit in back home. There is nothing more upsetting than to know, no matter what, you will not be accepted”. I also told him,  our likes,  dislikes and taste shouldn’t be dictated by stereotypes or what we think is acceptable by the black community; lastly people shouldn’t be upset when I say I’m not African American, because I’m not and quite frankly neither are the ones labeled as such; who currently reside in America, they are just American. If you were born here and raised here your Fucking American. It’s rude to claim a culture you know nothing of.  It’s not giving up your identity it is claiming your home,  I don’t even understand the need for separation. I digress, being I guess societal “black and foreign ” isn’t easy,  but I’m just going to taken it a day at a time. This isn’t to offend people, who want to identify as African Americans, that is completely your prerogative.

Matters of the heart

Relationships start off strong, full of love and promise, and the possibilities; some stay this way while others fall stale and stagnant. The problems which once seemed so small become insurmountable mountains of doom, driving cracks in to the very foundation of your relationship; and those crack become rifts that engulf everything you once had into darkness. Now hate , resentment and pain fill you; love has no meaning to you and all you can see is your hurt, it consumes you. The intoxication of love has left you and is your coming down from a terrible high, your heart races and thoughts become irrational. You part ways, yet your thoughts return to that person, you call it hate; it hurts too much to call it love.

You think to yourself “if only they would change? things would be perfect” . Every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year, you think of this love-able fool. You date other people, and despite the company you keep; every fiber of your being is calling to them. The one who shan’t be named. The separation took way more out of you than you care to admit. A bond once so deep words couldn’t describe, just gone. Your connection going back to childhood. When your relationship began, seeds of friendship over time grew and blossomed into beautiful flowers of love. Sadly all of this wasn’t enough to stop the outcome that unfolded. Parting ways, felt like someone had taken my body and ripped it in two, then my heart and finally my soul. Yes a part of you is gone and forever shall remain with them. Sadly the love you have for them is too great, and you are powerless to reclaim it.

So I wonder now, was it really for the best? could things not have been different? Again i sit here wondering aloud his time, why couldn’t you change? People say they love others flaws and all, to them I say… no shout LIAR!

There are some flaws too great for love to overcome. Thoughts plague my mind, if you loved me just why couldn’t you change for me. After all it hurt me more in the long run. I can’t ever tell you these things, simply professing my heart here is more than I care to bare; sadly I need to get these feelings out. I feel like I am going to explode. I know you wouldn’t understand and couldn’t understand, it was after all me who stopped fighting for us and what seemed my decision alone to part ways. You may no longer thing of me as I do you, you may find me cruel for my cold goodbye; had you known me the way you claimed you would know its the only thing I could do to keep myself from falling apart. You were the foundation and pillars to my life and without you everything is that much heavier. You aren’t a bad person, you just don’t know how to love and be with another. I wish I didn’t love you, but sadly I did and always will.

My friends and step-dad tell me in time it will all get better, I hope and pray to God they are right. Sometime I think you are my soul-mate, and our connection is tested. When I am my saddest you message me as if you felt my pain.

Yes I love you that much will remain true. I always will wonder, was my choice the right one, what if in my impatience I lost something good. Still 6+ years is a long time to be with someone and see no results.