Tag Archive | thoughts

Chaos that is love

I think about you all the time

Even though I don’t want you on my mind

And I know one may ask why?

To which I’d respond saying

It’s too dangerous

I feel in the midst of chaos

The storm, and the complications

That arise that you are my comfort

Yet I ask why?

You hardly know me

But I feel so electric and alive with

You

I fight sleep to enjoy every 

waking moment with

You

Knowing full well I have work in the

Morning

My schedule is such that the days we have

Don’t seem long enough

Yet I take solace in knowing that

I get to lay beside you at night

And in the morning greeted by

Your sleeping face, each and every

Day

On my hardest of days a hug from

You melts all the stress away

Your laughter quickly unravels

Any frown I can muster

This bothers me

Because how can I ever truly

Be mad at such an amazing person

You dazzle and sparkle in the most

Mesmerizing of ways

I see your aura clear as day

I feel your emotions, passion, and

Pain

At times your serious in a way

That’s alarming to me

With the most somber of expressions upon

Your face you recall memories

Not too fond but distant all the same

What am I to do?

I see your talent and potential

And I’m excited at the possibilities

Confident in yourself, 

you

Captivate those around you

I, myself was drawn to you

Unable to resist your charm

I felt like there was this magnetic

Pull that I simply could not resist

Knowing the risk I was drawn to

You

Like a moth to the flame

I danced around you as long as I could

Attempting to keep you at arms length

Until finally I was pulled in

Romantic, some would say

However danger registers loudly in my

Mind

Loving harder than ever, falling faster

Than before

I’m without a plan B

There is no back up plan

It’s just you

Leaving me vulnerable

Here I stand beside you

Logic screams all of this is Trouble

And warns me to proceed with caution

Because as high as I feel now

The ground can just as quickly

Rush upon me, giving me a reality

Check

My soul says to trust my heart

And feel his energy and vibe with

Him

My heart hopes he’s my forever

And we can do the family thing

And continue to have 

Awesome moments

Everything tells me to trust and not to be

Afraid

Your loyal, sweet and so caring 

Every day I sigh just in awe

And ever so grateful for you in my

Life

I wish I could put into words 

This crazy intense feeling 

Inside…..

Alas I digress

I just don’t want to be hurt

And I just want to make him as happy as

He makes me. 

To erase the pain 

And comfort, to be your shelter in

The storm 

To be the rock when needed 

To be what you are to me and more

Love always 

Hannah 
Till then this concludes my chaos that is love chronicles

Chapter I

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My language, translation included 

They say that knowing is half of the battle

but what exactly does that mean?

Every relationship, encounter or experience is an opportunity to learn and grow

I have learned that I am stubborn, passionate, vulnerable, flawed, hurt, damaged, strong willed and I am currently running on borrowed inner strength.

I have learned that I have a want to be loved and liked by those that matter, I love hard and I do everything in my power to show my love, I have abandonment issues, I am terrified that I won’t be able to have a family of my own one day, I am worried that marriage may not be an outcome for me and I wont find the person who deserves all of my love and what I have to offer.

I have learned that I have to be fearless in order to not have to face my fears.

I have learned that all of these things have come together inside of me and I have formed my own language.

My “I am fines, nothing is wrong,” is a cry for help and love

My saying I don’t want children is because its a lot easier than admitting that I may not have a say in the matter.

My saying that I am fine being a lone and relationships aren’t for everyone, and marriage is over rated is my way of saying that I am afraid that I may not find the one and I should get used to being alone.

Me choking on my emotions and telling people to stop being emotional is my way of saying, I have been hurt so many times that if I allow myself to feel in any capacity that it will overwhelm. I need to keep it bottled, I can’t allow myself to feel or grief.

I hurt so easily, I pretend nothing phases me but a lot hurts, a lot is chipping away at me; but I have to be strong, I have to be cool, I have to be that symbol of inspiration. I can’t let my friends and family see me being human…. being human is not a luxury afforded to me.

I have over time developed a complicated language layered in fears, insecurity and wrapped in pain, stamped damaged.

My biggest fear is not finding the one who can translate and understand

The one that is patient enough to kiss the stamp, see the pain and embrace me and once unwrapped get through the layers and find me at the center of the chaos, stand by me and love me all the more for what they have seen.

I don’t want to pretend anymore and I just want to be and let my guard down, I need to be human and know its ok.

Until then, I will wait ….for the one I feel safe enough around to take down my defenses, and let see the real me.

Fair is fair…. Or is it?

A series of events took place
And now we are both here
You in your hour of need
Wrought with Ill intent
And me on my way
To where?  You could care less
Yet here We Stand
A decision must be made
Weapon in hand you make your demands
Bag in tow, speechless I remain
Comply or fight?
Either way I may still be hurt
One way I’m twice the loser
The other I may the victor
Self defense is what they’ll
Say
Your life in your hands and both
Of ours in mine
But fair is fair….
Your health noticeabley deteriorated
I can over power you
But to be safe I’d have to wound you
I know reasoning with you is not an
Option
My back to the wall and time of the
Essence
The time for action nigh
If I do this… There’s no going
Back
No matter what forever changed I’ll
Remain
You lunge seeing opportunity, in my
Distracted gaze
Barely missing, I begin to sob
You have forced my hands
My choices now die and be robbed
Or defend
Oh how I wish things were different
That none of this happened
Your grip loosens on the weapon
Seeing this opportunity
I grab it and plunge it deep into
Your body
A sigh of relief escapes my lips
My body shakes, despite the danger
Passing
I look down
What have I done?
Fear in your eyes, somehow betrayal
This is not at all how you thought it
Would end
Tears streaming down my face
In shock
Fair is fair, I tell myself
Yes self defense is what it’ll be
I wrestle with my thoughts as I look for my
Phone
I dial 9-1-1
The operator on the phone
I choke on the words “help please”
My phone falls to the floor as
I collapse next to this poor soul
That the fates will soon claim
I want to say it’ll be alright, and to hold on
But instead I say nothing and continue to cry into
Silence and dark of night
Anger and frustration knots in
My chest
In another life, maybe I died
And he lived
Maybe I should have died but defied death
His prize?
Why should I live and you not?
Why?
Here I remain
Tortured by the events that took place
Is this really fair?
I don’t know what brought you to me
On this night
What I do know is for all your
Pain, and suffering, and struggles
You deserved better
And I feel worse for having survived
And one thing left to be known
Fair is fair…. Or is it?
For there was no fairness this day

Complex

Today in a conversation, a rather intimate one at that; I shared stories of my past and childhood. I shared memories I had not thought on in quite sometime. Questions were asked, seemingly insensitive ones I might add. However the one question that hit me was, do you think you have developed a complex because of past events?

This caused me to pause for a bit, I struggled to think of a response to such a direct question. I placed my phone on the counter, as I stood in silence. I took a deep breath, and exhaled and a heavy traffic of words poured into my mind. Still I stood frozen, trying find the best way to articulate my feelings. I was in a trance of my thoughts.

Then the most perfect string of words rung through clear as day. Sure it was a bit rough and seemingly unrefined but it was by far the most honest response I could offer.

“Life happens, people can be shitty. I feel we are dealt a hand of cards sometimes it’s great and sometimes it’s Shit. That’s how I rationalize it.  Nothing will ever happen negative to an individual without leaving scars,  deep ones at that. However we can’t let the world know whats wrong, now can we?  So you smile and pretend nothing is wrong. People like you better that way. If I for once let myself be a person instead of catering to others people wouldn’t like me or think as highly of me as they do.”

This comment, brought about a deafening silence in our messages. It was as if my words stunned him. I placed my phone down, and sat in silence for a while. My phone rang moments later, with his response. It appears my answer pleased him, he was content with my reply.

I can’t say for sure if my intent was to cater to him and respond in kind, however it worked out all the same. With that, I sad my good byes and logged off, there was a lot that weighed heavy on my mind.

Who Am I To Say

Recently a very distressed friend shared a predicament and based off the information provided it seems that the partner in question is not being very honest and might be being dishonest. This issue was openly discussed in group text, some of the responses were supportive and others were neither here nor there. As I poured through the messages, deliberating on my response something caught my eye. It was probably the most honest and sincere I have seen in all 43 of the comments posted.

“I know I accept my fair share of bullshit, so I am in no place to offer advice; but I can also open a proper can of ass whooping”

This comment said so much, using very little words. I know it doesn’t look like much but to me it was heavy. I myself accept a lot and just like others in the post was willing to add my judgmental; and somewhat angry two cents.

I wanted to say to call this mystery person whom I have never met a litany of colorful names, instead I sat there speechless with phone in hand. The fire that once burned angrily in my belly slowly began to die down; and in its place smoldering ash.

The truth and harsh reality of the situation is, I have no right to speak; when I myself am going through some shit. I sit here day in and day out, messaging the world and distracting myself with family; because I lack the strength to deal with my own mess.

I recently moved, leaving family and friends and a seemingly decent relationship of four years and six months. The days that led up to my untimely departure, were depressing and sad. My goodbye bitter, and remorseful; we agreed to stay with one another and agreed upon communication arrangements. I hoped for more time together but he had business with is friends and I just had to “understand”, not once could I be mad. Apparently wanting to spend the last two weeks before you move with your boyfriend is selfish. I was told that reacting to this made me seem irrational and selfish and pushed him away.However from where I sat, he seemed pretty far gone already; no help needed there.

Every day his phone was alive with messages, the messages started early and didn’t end until sometime the next day; allowing a hour or two at best reprieve in between communications. Low chuckles filled the room, quick glances and quicker responses, I wanted to know but wanted to not over step boundaries. I wanted to respect his privacy, after all no one wants to be the “crazy girlfriend”; that’s some how worse than being the neighborhood whore.

It wasn’t long before his presence at home dwindled from little to not at all. I mean sure he returned the next day but I never quite knew his whereabouts. To be fair, I was so suspicious about his behavior I wouldn’t have believed him anyways.

Well now I am sixteen hours away and I can barely get a hold of him on the phone and I miss him despite my last moments. The knowledge of my seemingly grim situation set in. Yes I stayed, yes a part of me feels like it can go some where and yes it would hurt me more to break up with him than it would to stay and deal with this….what ever it is.

Anyways this is what I thought on as I read that post and the comments that followed, I came to the conclusion that some things are best left unsaid and I should figure my life out before attempting to help others. After all what could I possibly have to offer, I pour my heart and soul into someone and I can’t even say without great uncertainty if he loves me.

I figured he would call, or text or video chat to say the least after all he cried when I left and told me how he didn’t want me to go. Perhaps it was all a grand performance, staged to lure me into a false sense of security….or maybe I am just too paranoid and potentially ruining my relationship….who knows. One thing is for sure my head is in a bad place, I cannot sort out fact from my strange paranoia, but to be fair years of mind games will do a number on you.

I need to seek spiritual guidance and a prayer/long conversation with God may help me gain some insight on my situation. As for my friend I wish them the best and that they choose the path that is most beneficial to them; relationships are hard and stressful and no one knows whats best for you but you.

 

One of those nights

I normally go to sleep around 11pm…..on a good night, other nights however I find myself wide awake. So to pass the time, I either lay awake in the dark calm of my room, with my boyfriend tossing and turning beside me or do things. My favorite things to do in order clean, watch anime or mischief. Sadly tonight I am in neither mood so I am left with mischief. My mischief normally consists of me making chat accounts with suggestive pictures as the profile, to ensure a speedy response followed by the most distasteful of conversations.

I know that my boyfriend would disapprove, no matter how innocent my idea of play was and this fact alone made it more fun. The chats would be filled with promises of lewd acts, and empty promises; hours would pass by and eventually we’d say our goodbyes. Every encounter given a phony name, my last ditch effort to cover my tracks and keep my identity secret. These chats excited me in ways I have never felt before. I don’t know if it was the indecency of the conversation or the fact that it was forbidden that excited me more; maybe it was a little of both.

Most of the conversations started off with the men/women confessing their loneliness,and how long its been since they last sexual relations of any nature and quickly escalated into what could be described as extreme erotica, with a stranger and myself as the author. I spent a great deal of time on these chats, gathering regulars who eagerly and hungrily greeted me once my light turned green next to my username; indicating that I am online. I grew accustom to this and it became my routine.

Tonight I logged on as I had done many nights before, and one of my favorites had disappeared. This troubled me, why? I couldn’t rationally explain. Maybe I had gotten attached and was unaware? Maybe I had secretly wanted to carry out these acts with this stranger? or maybe I was simply reacting at all because deep down I am a child and I felt as though someone took away my favorite play thing. Who knows. I continued to search for my favorite toy, but to my dismay nothing. It was if it never existed.

Determined not to have this ruined my night I attempted to duplicate this sexually charged exchange with another. Sadly it wasn’t the same. I logged off, too upset and disappointed to say goodbye. I sat in my room this time with the lights on, frustrated beyond comprehension. Again my boyfriend tossed and turned, moaning fretfully and snoring gently every so often in his sleep. I turn to wordpress, my outlet. Even though I have no more to say on the matter, I am still not satisfied. This will have to do as it is now 3:19am, and I do have to work today. *sigh* it is indeed one of those nights.

Matters of the heart

Relationships start off strong, full of love and promise, and the possibilities; some stay this way while others fall stale and stagnant. The problems which once seemed so small become insurmountable mountains of doom, driving cracks in to the very foundation of your relationship; and those crack become rifts that engulf everything you once had into darkness. Now hate , resentment and pain fill you; love has no meaning to you and all you can see is your hurt, it consumes you. The intoxication of love has left you and is your coming down from a terrible high, your heart races and thoughts become irrational. You part ways, yet your thoughts return to that person, you call it hate; it hurts too much to call it love.

You think to yourself “if only they would change? things would be perfect” . Every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year, you think of this love-able fool. You date other people, and despite the company you keep; every fiber of your being is calling to them. The one who shan’t be named. The separation took way more out of you than you care to admit. A bond once so deep words couldn’t describe, just gone. Your connection going back to childhood. When your relationship began, seeds of friendship over time grew and blossomed into beautiful flowers of love. Sadly all of this wasn’t enough to stop the outcome that unfolded. Parting ways, felt like someone had taken my body and ripped it in two, then my heart and finally my soul. Yes a part of you is gone and forever shall remain with them. Sadly the love you have for them is too great, and you are powerless to reclaim it.

So I wonder now, was it really for the best? could things not have been different? Again i sit here wondering aloud his time, why couldn’t you change? People say they love others flaws and all, to them I say… no shout LIAR!

There are some flaws too great for love to overcome. Thoughts plague my mind, if you loved me just why couldn’t you change for me. After all it hurt me more in the long run. I can’t ever tell you these things, simply professing my heart here is more than I care to bare; sadly I need to get these feelings out. I feel like I am going to explode. I know you wouldn’t understand and couldn’t understand, it was after all me who stopped fighting for us and what seemed my decision alone to part ways. You may no longer thing of me as I do you, you may find me cruel for my cold goodbye; had you known me the way you claimed you would know its the only thing I could do to keep myself from falling apart. You were the foundation and pillars to my life and without you everything is that much heavier. You aren’t a bad person, you just don’t know how to love and be with another. I wish I didn’t love you, but sadly I did and always will.

My friends and step-dad tell me in time it will all get better, I hope and pray to God they are right. Sometime I think you are my soul-mate, and our connection is tested. When I am my saddest you message me as if you felt my pain.

Yes I love you that much will remain true. I always will wonder, was my choice the right one, what if in my impatience I lost something good. Still 6+ years is a long time to be with someone and see no results.