I don’t like you
I’m intrigued by you
Captivated even
I look forward to our interactions because of the challenge it presents
Love, infatuations and relationships have no place in my world
I haven’t the time or patience to entertain a partner
But you my latest play thing I’ll be more than happy to accommodate
Until we speak again stay charming.
It’s a sad day when you drift away
Sadder still when the common ground you once shared and stood on no longer exists
You see one another separating
slowly at first
And as the distance grows,the reality that you’ve outgrown one another sets in and engulfs you
Before you know it your lost to one another
Our season of blue skies and carefree talks comes to an end as the winter of our discontent begins.
I’d give anything to save us but with growth comes a price, which I now have to pay.
A sad day indeed
I can admit a great deal
Inspite of how much pain was caused
Yes I cut you as you did me too
But I got so caught up in the enchanting game of tit for tat I forgot two wrongs never equal a right
I noticed your distance and separation and after much pleading I outsourced my needs
And yes it was emotional cheating, one of the deepest forms of betrayal
You sought the secrets lurking within and instead found the skeletons of my misdeeds.
At the time pride and arrogance clouded my judgement and I defended my sins heart and soul.
We made up soon after and all seemed to be well, and we were united and whole…..
Or so I thought
It had been months when in the calm of my routine I felt a pain like no other, as a feeling of dread washed over me.
Our souls were no longer bound and my heart was now shattered
I couldn’t figure out why you assaulted my core so, nor had I the proof…. But everything was now broken
I came to you numerous times questioning your loyalty to this relationship and your faithfulness to me
Each time you made me feel crazy
Until that fateful day when all was brought to light and denial no longer an option
You came clean after hours of lies
And in that moment I realized my biggest mistake was loving and trusting you.
In spite of all the time that has passed I’m still not over you, this I can admit. Everything to do with you hurts my soul, so I must keep my distance
After all feeling is not a luxury I can indulge
Sleepless hours
Dreamless slumber
Greets me night after night
My mind racing with all manner of thoughts
I’m overwhelmed by all the words I have to say
We could have been, on more than one occasion
But timing did not permit
Yes I have a deep affection for but bearing this in mine, I shan’t be the one to make the first move.
Distance is a factor as well rendering all sentiments useless
Which begs the question, where do we go from here?
True love doesn’t fail, it simply endures and flourishes. So keeping that in mind, if you try and try with someone but to no avail; then my friend it wasn’t love and your now burdened with the reality that you have no idea what love is.
“Sometimes he just gets on my nerves” she says to me, and continues into a man hating rant. I sit quietly and listen, thinking and reflecting on these same moments shared with my boyfriend.
As she randomly pauses, I interject with advice based on my very own experiences. She stops, takes it in as I speak and continues all the same.
This conversation and exchange went on for what seemed like an eternity but in actuality was only thirty minutes. As she comes to her own conclusions and wrap up the conversation, her boyfriend walks out to grab a smoke.
We greet each other and share smiles, and the conversation switches to video games and conspiracy theories, all the while my thoughts are somewhere else.
I thought to myself, how many times did I say the very same things she is and rant and rave and snap and have an attitude, knowing it would further deteriorate the situation. I never cared, now that I think back on it all. I release a heavy sigh, and a question shakes me back to reality “are you OK?” he asks. I meet his gaze and nod slightly, as a wry smile appears on my face as I attempt to reassure them that all is well. I excuse myself and return to the apartment, from whence I came.
Shutting the door behind me I lazy twist the locks in place. I begin to make my way to the kitchen, to grab a snack as my feet drag with every step. I grab a pack of oreos and continue to think on thoughts long passed.
The beauty of your existence is that you can’t imagine the worst
So my words as they leave my lips and enter your ears
It shakes the foundation of the world you once knew
You can’t fathom, a world where a father denies his child
Or
A world where a mother fantasizes about murdering her young.
I pity and envy your sheltered existence, that doesn’t accommodate or allow you to see the worst… No the evil that is in humanity.
May you be so fortunate that the blinds you so proudly wear are never removed and that your perfect world is never sullied
May you burrow deeper within your blissful ignorance, where you shall remain safely ……Until the end of your days.
With my awareness came a pain like no other
A price I’m glad is now paid, for what I gained in the end was more valuable.
My scars are deep, and beautifully ugly but they are mine to bare, and with each a story.
These are my stories to tell and do so I shall.
In the meantime I’ll say no more, lest I further disturb the comforts of your world.
I’m emotional
I’m tired
I want to reach out….
But what could I say
We beguile one another with stories of everyday encounters
And in between share sobering moments with one another
What are we doing?
Who are we fooling?!
I kept you a great distance away because I know what would happen
And I know full well how things would play out.
However like those before you, you wore me down
I find my thoughts revolving around you and myself looking forward to midnight talks I haven’t the energy for.
Yet night after night I fight sleep, just to hear your voice and have our famous talks.
As I listen to your voice that’s like a melody to my ears, I am compelled to compliment you and without thought I do.
There’s a chemistry that’s undeniable and a sexual attraction that is maddening to me.
Your intoxicating in a way that words can’t describe.
I want no one other than you to share myself with.
I prayed for clarity on the matter and I suppose I have received my response……
Maybe it’s best we never were and potentially never be….
I’ll chalk this up as a love lost and dreams that never had chance to be.
In the meantime you’ll always be my secret love and yet my greatest heartbreak.
mschievous1 