Chaos that is love

I think about you all the time

Even though I don’t want you on my mind

And I know one may ask why?

To which I’d respond saying

It’s too dangerous

I feel in the midst of chaos

The storm, and the complications

That arise that you are my comfort

Yet I ask why?

You hardly know me

But I feel so electric and alive with

You

I fight sleep to enjoy every 

waking moment with

You

Knowing full well I have work in the

Morning

My schedule is such that the days we have

Don’t seem long enough

Yet I take solace in knowing that

I get to lay beside you at night

And in the morning greeted by

Your sleeping face, each and every

Day

On my hardest of days a hug from

You melts all the stress away

Your laughter quickly unravels

Any frown I can muster

This bothers me

Because how can I ever truly

Be mad at such an amazing person

You dazzle and sparkle in the most

Mesmerizing of ways

I see your aura clear as day

I feel your emotions, passion, and

Pain

At times your serious in a way

That’s alarming to me

With the most somber of expressions upon

Your face you recall memories

Not too fond but distant all the same

What am I to do?

I see your talent and potential

And I’m excited at the possibilities

Confident in yourself, 

you

Captivate those around you

I, myself was drawn to you

Unable to resist your charm

I felt like there was this magnetic

Pull that I simply could not resist

Knowing the risk I was drawn to

You

Like a moth to the flame

I danced around you as long as I could

Attempting to keep you at arms length

Until finally I was pulled in

Romantic, some would say

However danger registers loudly in my

Mind

Loving harder than ever, falling faster

Than before

I’m without a plan B

There is no back up plan

It’s just you

Leaving me vulnerable

Here I stand beside you

Logic screams all of this is Trouble

And warns me to proceed with caution

Because as high as I feel now

The ground can just as quickly

Rush upon me, giving me a reality

Check

My soul says to trust my heart

And feel his energy and vibe with

Him

My heart hopes he’s my forever

And we can do the family thing

And continue to have 

Awesome moments

Everything tells me to trust and not to be

Afraid

Your loyal, sweet and so caring 

Every day I sigh just in awe

And ever so grateful for you in my

Life

I wish I could put into words 

This crazy intense feeling 

Inside…..

Alas I digress

I just don’t want to be hurt

And I just want to make him as happy as

He makes me. 

To erase the pain 

And comfort, to be your shelter in

The storm 

To be the rock when needed 

To be what you are to me and more

Love always 

Hannah 
Till then this concludes my chaos that is love chronicles

Chapter I

Maybe

Maybe things just happen

Maybe there is no rhyme or reason

Maybe it’s more comforting to add meaning to events past

Bad things happen and because we can’t cope and it can’t be rationalized 

We have to add means to it, so we can accept what’s already done.

There is a law of attraction but there are also things that happen just because 

People are flawed and there is a lot of hurt and fucked up people in this world

At any point in time you can easily cross paths and things play out bad.

Maybe we need to accept that everything can’t be explained.

Maybe we need to understand that bad things will happen, that’s not to say that you can’t or shouldn’t be positive, but more so to accept it as an eventuality and know that it’s all temporary and we have a lot to be grateful for at the end of the day.

Everything will get better in time.

Survival pt 1

Today I saw a therapist, which was weird for me. It was weird because in my mind it was pointless, I felt ridiculous for engaging in an exercise in futility. After all I tried this as a child and each response is the same. They delve into what is the perceived problem and then proceed to prescribe a potent medicine regiment designed to shut all of that shit down. So today I went in with the same expectation, in my mind I was ready. I trained myself to dismiss all that had been advised, I told myself to just go through the motions. 

I entered the office, I stood there sizing up the environment unsure of what to make of it all. As I stood there lost in thought, the doctor appeared and greeted me. The doctor walked me to his office, and asked me to take a seat I get comfortable; without thinking I removed my backpack and did as I was told. I crossed my legs, ready to block all the bullshit that was to come my way. 

The doctor took a seat and crossed his legs, notepad in hand; he smiled and informed me he’d be taking notes, he then asked if it were ok, confused I nodded, thinking to myself “what choice do I really have?”

The doctor smiled a friendly smile once more, and asked what brought me in today. I studied the face of this older stranger, released a heavy sigh and asked “where do I even begin?”. He said let’s start with this year, so I began to tell him of my 2017 existence. The frustration quickly built in my voice the more I spoke on it. This was weird to me because in my mind I thought it was all alright, but I guess it wasn’t. 

Once I finished regaling him of events passed, I said it frustrates me that I’m unable to be mad about any of it, I feel so broken and ridiculous. He asked me “is this normal?”. Well to me it’s been my life so yea it is. He was like how long has this been a thing, I shared it’s literally my life. He asked me to elaborate.

Again I did as instructed, smiling the whole time at my surreal existence, He asked “Do you know your crying ?”. Without thinking I touched me cheek in disbelief. I chuckled and said “that’s weird”. 

By the end of the session the doctor had surmised that I have been storing every all my trauma in a primitive portion of my brain, so when I am forced to relive those moments, it’s as fresh as if it happened that day. It makes the trauma more real to explain, its like I’m literally in that moment. 

When the session ended, I felt raw and more chaotic internally, but more receptive to the process.

Understanding

I have been called childish at times and judged for indulging in what would otherwise be considered and classified as childish 

But what you don’t know or see is that all day I suffocate that part of me for work, for my friends and prioritizing everyone else’s happiness.

At the end of the day my only selfish act is indulging that part of me

My childish part that by some miracle of God is still alive and well within 

My inner child allows me to smile on the worst of days and is my guiding light 

It allows me to shake off the wrong and betrayal of the world, setting myself aside to be there selflessly for others.

I didn’t get to formally meet or introduce myself to my inner child much less embrace it at the appropriate age.

This is what happens when kids are forced to think and act like adults in addition to a difficult life.

I couldn’t be a child growing up, it wasn’t safe….it’s something that you were punished for.

While as an adult one would think it worse, it’s a great comfort.

Shit happens and my inner child shines through being optimistic and full of love.

I wouldn’t trade it for the world, the adult in me if I had things my way would burn everything to the ground that belonged to the ones that hurt me.

We all have sides of us and coping mechanisms, if I were to shed mine…..the light within would be snuffed out; the darkness will take over and I will no longer recognized the person I know myself to be and love

My true nature, is a cold, uncaring, unfeeling, self centered, calculating asshole.

No matter what this world throws at me I cannot let it change me into what it wants me to be, I have to stand firm in who I am and who I want to be.

You can never understand, and to be honest I don’t blame you there are things I have yet to understand.

I know how things will turn out and yet time and time again I stick with it thinking my intuition is wrong. 

You’ll see me and cast your judgements on me and act accordingly.

Should you ever find yourself reading this, I want you to know at the end of the day I take care of not only my responsibilities, but those around me. Even knowing how things played out with us in advance, I want you to know despite the betrayal and lies, I enjoyed our time together. The love I have for you is very real, and I hope your alright. You’ve had it hard and you’ve made difficult decisions because of those your loyal to but it comes a time when you need to be loyal to yourself. I can’t be mad be I understand all too well, it’s a blessing and a curse but I wouldn’t change it. 

I sincerely hope you read this, my things can and will be replaced but you only get one life and even if reincarnations are real, you only get this life with this consciousness; don’t waste it on those who don’t value or appreciate you.

Love always 

HP

Calm

Be the calm and never the storm

When you see your partner or friend

Stressing, be that calm and be that 

Comfort, be their idea of home and 

Safety and comfort 

Let go of petty behavior, step outside 

Of yourself and see what they are 

Going through and be there for them.

When we step outside of the house

It feels like the whole world is what 

We are up against, so be the support 

And the reinforcement 

Do not add to the numbers of people 

They have to fight and stress over 

The goal should always be to add to 

In a beneficial way and improve upon 

Moving forward.

My language, translation included

They say that knowing is half of the battle

but what exactly does that mean?

Every relationship, encounter or experience is an opportunity to learn and grow

I have learned that I am stubborn, passionate, vulnerable, flawed, hurt, damaged, strong willed and I am currently running on borrowed inner strength.

I have learned that I have a want to be loved and liked by those that matter, I love hard and I do everything in my power to show my love, I have abandonment issues, I am terrified that I won’t be able to have a family of my own one day, I am worried that marriage may not be an outcome for me and I wont find the person who deserves all of my love and what I have to offer.

I have learned that I have to be fearless in order to not have to face my fears.

I have learned that all of these things have come together inside of me and I have formed my own language.

My “I am fines, nothing is wrong,” is a cry for help and love

My saying I don’t want children is because its a lot easier than admitting that I may not have a say in the matter.

My saying that I am fine being a lone and relationships aren’t for everyone, and marriage is over rated is my way of saying that I am afraid that I may not find the one and I should get used to being alone.

Me choking on my emotions and telling people to stop being emotional is my way of saying, I have been hurt so many times that if I allow myself to feel in any capacity that it will overwhelm. I need to keep it bottled, I can’t allow myself to feel or grief.

I hurt so easily, I pretend nothing phases me but a lot hurts, a lot is chipping away at me; but I have to be strong, I have to be cool, I have to be that symbol of inspiration. I can’t let my friends and family see me being human…. being human is not a luxury afforded to me.

I have over time developed a complicated language layered in fears, insecurity and wrapped in pain, stamped damaged.

My biggest fear is not finding the one who can translate and understand

The one that is patient enough to kiss the stamp, see the pain and embrace me and once unwrapped get through the layers and find me at the center of the chaos, stand by me and love me all the more for what they have seen.

I don’t want to pretend anymore and I just want to be and let my guard down, I need to be human and know its ok.

Until then, I will wait ….for the one I feel safe enough around to take down my defenses, and let see the real me.

Where do we go from here

Sleepless hours

Dreamless slumber

Greets me night after night 

My mind racing with all manner of thoughts 

I’m overwhelmed by all the words I have to say

We could have been, on more than one occasion 

But timing did not permit 

Yes I have a deep affection for but bearing this in mine, I shan’t be the one to make the first move. 

Distance is a factor as well rendering all sentiments useless 

Which begs the question, where do we go from here?

Sentiments

“Sometimes he just gets on my nerves” she says to me,  and continues into a man hating rant. I sit quietly and listen, thinking and reflecting on these same moments shared with my boyfriend.
As she randomly pauses, I interject with advice based on my very own experiences. She stops, takes it in as I speak and continues all the same.
This conversation and exchange went on for what seemed like an eternity but in actuality was only thirty minutes. As she comes to her own conclusions and wrap up the conversation, her boyfriend walks out to grab a smoke.
We greet each other and share smiles, and the conversation switches to video games and conspiracy theories, all the while my thoughts are somewhere else.
I thought to myself, how many times did I say the very same things she is and rant and rave and snap and have an attitude, knowing it would further deteriorate the situation. I never cared, now that I think back on it all. I release a heavy sigh, and a question shakes me back to reality “are you OK?” he asks.  I meet his gaze and nod slightly, as a wry smile appears on my face as I attempt to reassure them that all is well. I excuse myself and return to the apartment, from whence I came.
Shutting the door behind me I lazy twist the locks in place. I begin to make my way to the kitchen, to grab a snack as my feet drag with every step. I grab a pack of oreos and continue to think on thoughts long passed.

Blissful, Is It Not?

The beauty of your existence is that you can’t imagine the worst

So my words as they leave my lips and enter your ears

It shakes the foundation of the world you once knew

You can’t fathom, a world where a father denies his child 

Or

A world where a mother fantasizes about murdering her young. 

I pity and envy your sheltered existence, that doesn’t accommodate or allow you to see the worst… No the evil that is in humanity. 

May you be so fortunate that the blinds you so proudly wear are never removed and that your perfect world is never sullied 

May you burrow deeper within your blissful ignorance, where you shall remain safely ……Until the end of your days. 

With my awareness came a pain like no other

A price I’m glad is now paid, for what I gained in the end was more valuable. 

My scars are deep, and beautifully ugly but they are mine to bare, and with each a story.

These are my stories to tell and do so I shall. 

In the meantime I’ll say no more, lest I further disturb the comforts of your world. 

Undecided

I’m emotional 

I’m tired

I want to reach out…. 

But what could I say

We beguile one another with stories of everyday encounters 

And in between share sobering moments with one another

What are we doing? 

Who are we fooling?! 

I kept you a great distance away because I know what would happen 

And I know full well how things would play out. 

However like those before you, you wore me down

I find my thoughts revolving around you and myself looking forward to midnight talks I haven’t the energy for. 

Yet night after night I fight sleep, just to hear your voice and have our famous talks. 

As I listen to your voice that’s like a melody to my ears,  I am compelled to compliment you and without thought I do. 

There’s a chemistry that’s undeniable and a sexual attraction that is maddening to me. 

Your intoxicating in a way that words can’t describe. 

I want no one other than you to share myself with. 

I prayed for clarity on the matter and I suppose I have received my response……

Maybe it’s best we never were and potentially never be…. 

I’ll chalk this up as a love lost and dreams that never had chance to be. 

In the meantime you’ll always be my secret love and yet my greatest heartbreak.