Tag Archive | self awareness

Calm 

Be the calm and never the storm

When you see your partner or friend

Stressing, be that calm and be that 

Comfort, be their idea of home and 

Safety and comfort 

Let go of petty behavior, step outside 

Of yourself and see what they are 

Going through and be there for them.

When we step outside of the house

It feels like the whole world is what 

We are up against, so be the support 

And the reinforcement 

Do not add to the numbers of people 

They have to fight and stress over 

The goal should always be to add to 

In a beneficial way and improve upon 

Moving forward.

My language, translation included 

They say that knowing is half of the battle

but what exactly does that mean?

Every relationship, encounter or experience is an opportunity to learn and grow

I have learned that I am stubborn, passionate, vulnerable, flawed, hurt, damaged, strong willed and I am currently running on borrowed inner strength.

I have learned that I have a want to be loved and liked by those that matter, I love hard and I do everything in my power to show my love, I have abandonment issues, I am terrified that I won’t be able to have a family of my own one day, I am worried that marriage may not be an outcome for me and I wont find the person who deserves all of my love and what I have to offer.

I have learned that I have to be fearless in order to not have to face my fears.

I have learned that all of these things have come together inside of me and I have formed my own language.

My “I am fines, nothing is wrong,” is a cry for help and love

My saying I don’t want children is because its a lot easier than admitting that I may not have a say in the matter.

My saying that I am fine being a lone and relationships aren’t for everyone, and marriage is over rated is my way of saying that I am afraid that I may not find the one and I should get used to being alone.

Me choking on my emotions and telling people to stop being emotional is my way of saying, I have been hurt so many times that if I allow myself to feel in any capacity that it will overwhelm. I need to keep it bottled, I can’t allow myself to feel or grief.

I hurt so easily, I pretend nothing phases me but a lot hurts, a lot is chipping away at me; but I have to be strong, I have to be cool, I have to be that symbol of inspiration. I can’t let my friends and family see me being human…. being human is not a luxury afforded to me.

I have over time developed a complicated language layered in fears, insecurity and wrapped in pain, stamped damaged.

My biggest fear is not finding the one who can translate and understand

The one that is patient enough to kiss the stamp, see the pain and embrace me and once unwrapped get through the layers and find me at the center of the chaos, stand by me and love me all the more for what they have seen.

I don’t want to pretend anymore and I just want to be and let my guard down, I need to be human and know its ok.

Until then, I will wait ….for the one I feel safe enough around to take down my defenses, and let see the real me.

Where do we go from here 

Sleepless hours

Dreamless slumber

Greets me night after night 

My mind racing with all manner of thoughts 

I’m overwhelmed by all the words I have to say

We could have been, on more than one occasion 

But timing did not permit 

Yes I have a deep affection for but bearing this in mine, I shan’t be the one to make the first move. 

Distance is a factor as well rendering all sentiments useless 

Which begs the question, where do we go from here?

Sentiments

“Sometimes he just gets on my nerves” she says to me,  and continues into a man hating rant. I sit quietly and listen, thinking and reflecting on these same moments shared with my boyfriend.
As she randomly pauses, I interject with advice based on my very own experiences. She stops, takes it in as I speak and continues all the same.
This conversation and exchange went on for what seemed like an eternity but in actuality was only thirty minutes. As she comes to her own conclusions and wrap up the conversation, her boyfriend walks out to grab a smoke.
We greet each other and share smiles, and the conversation switches to video games and conspiracy theories, all the while my thoughts are somewhere else.
I thought to myself, how many times did I say the very same things she is and rant and rave and snap and have an attitude, knowing it would further deteriorate the situation. I never cared, now that I think back on it all. I release a heavy sigh, and a question shakes me back to reality “are you OK?” he asks.  I meet his gaze and nod slightly, as a wry smile appears on my face as I attempt to reassure them that all is well. I excuse myself and return to the apartment, from whence I came.
Shutting the door behind me I lazy twist the locks in place. I begin to make my way to the kitchen, to grab a snack as my feet drag with every step. I grab a pack of oreos and continue to think on thoughts long passed.

Blissful, Is It Not? 

The beauty of your existence is that you can’t imagine the worst

So my words as they leave my lips and enter your ears

It shakes the foundation of the world you once knew

You can’t fathom, a world where a father denies his child 

Or

A world where a mother fantasizes about murdering her young. 

I pity and envy your sheltered existence, that doesn’t accommodate or allow you to see the worst… No the evil that is in humanity. 

May you be so fortunate that the blinds you so proudly wear are never removed and that your perfect world is never sullied 

May you burrow deeper within your blissful ignorance, where you shall remain safely ……Until the end of your days. 

With my awareness came a pain like no other

A price I’m glad is now paid, for what I gained in the end was more valuable. 

My scars are deep, and beautifully ugly but they are mine to bare, and with each a story.

These are my stories to tell and do so I shall. 

In the meantime I’ll say no more, lest I further disturb the comforts of your world. 

Undecided 

I’m emotional 

I’m tired

I want to reach out…. 

But what could I say

We beguile one another with stories of everyday encounters 

And in between share sobering moments with one another

What are we doing? 

Who are we fooling?! 

I kept you a great distance away because I know what would happen 

And I know full well how things would play out. 

However like those before you, you wore me down

I find my thoughts revolving around you and myself looking forward to midnight talks I haven’t the energy for. 

Yet night after night I fight sleep, just to hear your voice and have our famous talks. 

As I listen to your voice that’s like a melody to my ears,  I am compelled to compliment you and without thought I do. 

There’s a chemistry that’s undeniable and a sexual attraction that is maddening to me. 

Your intoxicating in a way that words can’t describe. 

I want no one other than you to share myself with. 

I prayed for clarity on the matter and I suppose I have received my response……

Maybe it’s best we never were and potentially never be…. 

I’ll chalk this up as a love lost and dreams that never had chance to be. 

In the meantime you’ll always be my secret love and yet my greatest heartbreak. 

It’s like this

Life happens and it preps you for the next step in life
Lost a job, there’s better on the horizon
Lease is up,  there’s a better apartment waiting for you
Computer broke down, time for an upgrade.

Before you can get these next level things in store for you, life is going to kick you around and test your resolve.

Think of it as a video game, at the end of each level there’s a boss and with each level it increases in difficulty. At this moment you can tuck tail and go back towards what’s comfortable, or strengthen your resolve and kick ass and get what you deserve.

You deserve the best so never settle for less. Always remember that anything worth having in life isn’t going to be easy to obtain.