Archive | February 2015

Friends

To me a friend is always there, has your back when things get rough.
Cheers you up,  when you’re feeling down.
Cries and laughs with you.
The one person who you can be yourself with, one of the few people your honest with and stays true through thick and thin.
To me a friend is more than a word is more like family.
I have a friend who embodies all these things and more and I am lucky to have him in my life.
He has seen me through being abandoned by mom,  abusive and suffocating relationships and even when I was homeless. During it all he was there,  had my back and never left me alone. I remember when I was homeless and I had nowhere to go he sat there On The subway with me and rode it back and forth all night to make sure I was safe. I remember when my Ex was taking all of my money and I didn’t have two pennies to rub together, he bought me lunch and took care of me. He is the best person I have ever met. I am blessed to have him as my friend and I love him for being so awesome.

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Relationship Rants “Meeting the Parents”

So there comes the inevitable time in a relationship when I guess its expected that your significant other and your family meet, specifically your parents. Now it’d be nice if they can meet the whole family but what is of importance is meet the parents. This topic is preoccupying my thoughts, as the question was recently asked. I sat down and logically weighed my situation, sure I loved this person flaws and all and in a perfect world would love for him to meet my parents; however my very realistic fear is they won’t receive him as well as I have. I say all this to say, why is it so important? you know, the act of meeting ones parent and why is it by discouraging such acts you are then viewed as the bad guy for doing so.

In some case the meeting of the parents can make or break the situation, is that my case? I would like to say I am a strong women and nothing can ruin this! but realistically speaking I haven’t even told my parents that I am bisexual; there is just somethings you cant share with family.

I know some of you are like “you won’t know until you try”, well my family doesn’t really value one another and is quick to judge so……I think I will pass. I know there are others that will probably say something like “with family like that who needs them anyway”. The answer is I do. i have been alone for years and have been in terrible situations none like my childhood but bad all the same; and the worst thing in the world is knowing you are alone.

I know that if my mom meets him, based off my understanding of her she wont receive him well. She wont leave me alone about him until I break up with him, and yes despite our history together I still need her approval and acceptance. I very much value the brownie points and other of praise I can get from her.

Strike one was meeting my stepdad, and now my stepdad says fun things like “are you still with that character?”. Strike two when he wouldn’t say hello to my brothers. I can’t allow a strike three.

So…….

I guess it’s decided, they can never meet.

Self Truth #2

Being the bigger person is something I hate doing.

It’s like this complex default programming that I can’t over ride.

As I am slowly weeding out the undesirables in my life I’m faced with many challenges.

People are showing their true colors and in turn are being nasty, mean and petty, in both words and actions.

It hurts so much to have to deal with, and even more to keep inside and respond kindly. After everything is said and done, I’m stuck tormented by the events that took place and my lack of retaliation. I pray on it for peace but I’m still filled with regret.

The Question

Part II

“I was good to him!  Don’t I deserve my time to talk?!?  To have my say” her face soaked from tears and her voice cracking with every utterance. She was hurting, and I couldn’t sympathize. I couldn’t allow myself to feel her pain,  this wasn’t the first time she had found herself in a situation such as this,  heck it wasn’t even the fourth.
I rationalized that it was her karma and her foolishness that wrought such an outcome.  Callous from time spent with her, as I sat listening I tried to remain impartial, but our time spent together wouldn’t permit such thoughts. She continued to sob.

The Not So Distant Past
I remember when I first met her thinking how blessed I was to meet someone so nice and as time went on that feeling turned to dread. One by one her friends disappeared and day by day moment by moment drama arose. Whether it was her blowing things completely out of proportion and over reacting or her letting her son do whatever he chose; both I simply couldn’t abide. Rather than confront these things at the time it happened, I simply waited for the right moment, the calm if you will to address my concerns. I myself, am not one for contention and drama, but I couldn’t stay quiet either. After discussing my concerns with her and sharing my feelings and thoughts, I realized my words fell on deaf ears. The conversation would always be switched to her needing a man and how everything will be right in the world once she found this mythical man. I simply gave up and kept to myself, I stopped offering my opinion and remained silent. I thought this to be my best course of action, I didn’t want to tell her what she wanted to hear simply to appease her because that would make me actively part of the problem.
She guilted me,  making me feel bad that she was a single mother; me being a child of a single mother I empathised with her. After all I saw how my mother struggled and the toll it took on us all. I sacrificed my personal life, my grades began to slip and everytime I attempted to protest, I was greeted with animosity and hostility. I thought to myself she was crazy. I still remember her rants of how it wasn’t fair for her, and everything was bullshit. I also remember thinking to myself you decided to be a mother, this is your burden… The world owes you nothing for your decisions made…..better yet I owe you nothing. I remember paying rent and utilities and having little left to myself and her coming to me in tears asking for more money. I would tell her it’s last and she would respond saying how ugly she felt and how no one wanted her and how she will die alone. After a while I would cave just to be left alone. However this wasn’t enough, when I received my tax return, she asked me to repay her security deposit. Fair enough, we all live there $1200 gone. Then the groceries $350 gone. Then she expected me to still pay rent and utilities! It became apparent, this woman was bleeding me dry.  I wanted to say no but I kept saying I am helping her, eventually it will be enough.
It was never enough, I  stopped coming back to the house. When I did it was to cook dinner for them and babysit her son. My inbox was full of messages from her crying saying everyone they meet eventually leaves. I now know why, her presence in my life was like wrecking ball leaving destruction in its wake.

Back To The “Question”
“Don’t I deserve a say!?!”  my answer to that should have been no, and I would have gone into a five point rant as to why she didn’t deserve anything; much less that. Instead I sat there quietly, turning my gaze elsewhere as she continued to sob. Insensitive, sure I can see that,  but there comes a point where you have seen someone do so much wrong to so many people; that you can’t help but wonder if they deserve it. Her ex called her crazy and psychotic amoung a bunch of other colorful names, just like the ones before him had done. Now if he was the first person to say then I would say he’s crazy and fucked up but he’s like the eighth person…….  they all can’t be wrong. 0.0