Tag Archive | sadness

Understanding 

I have been called childish at times and judged for indulging in what would otherwise be considered and classified as childish 

But what you don’t know or see is that all day I suffocate that part of me for work, for my friends and prioritizing everyone else’s happiness.

At the end of the day my only selfish act is indulging that part of me

My childish part that by some miracle of God is still alive and well within 

My inner child allows me to smile on the worst of days and is my guiding light 

It allows me to shake off the wrong and betrayal of the world, setting myself aside to be there selflessly for others.

I didn’t get to formally meet or introduce myself to my inner child much less embrace it at the appropriate age.

This is what happens when kids are forced to think and act like adults in addition to a difficult life.

I couldn’t be a child growing up, it wasn’t safe….it’s something that you were punished for.

While as an adult one would think it worse, it’s a great comfort.

Shit happens and my inner child shines through being optimistic and full of love.

I wouldn’t trade it for the world, the adult in me if I had things my way would burn everything to the ground that belonged to the ones that hurt me.

We all have sides of us and coping mechanisms, if I were to shed mine…..the light within would be snuffed out; the darkness will take over and I will no longer recognized the person I know myself to be and love

My true nature, is a cold, uncaring, unfeeling, self centered, calculating asshole.

No matter what this world throws at me I cannot let it change me into what it wants me to be, I have to stand firm in who I am and who I want to be.

You can never understand, and to be honest I don’t blame you there are things I have yet to understand.

I know how things will turn out and yet time and time again I stick with it thinking my intuition is wrong. 

You’ll see me and cast your judgements on me and act accordingly.

Should you ever find yourself reading this, I want you to know at the end of the day I take care of not only my responsibilities, but those around me. Even knowing how things played out with us in advance, I want you to know despite the betrayal and lies, I enjoyed our time together. The love I have for you is very real, and I hope your alright. You’ve had it hard and you’ve made difficult decisions because of those your loyal to but it comes a time when you need to be loyal to yourself. I can’t be mad be I understand all too well, it’s a blessing and a curse but I wouldn’t change it. 

I sincerely hope you read this, my things can and will be replaced but you only get one life and even if reincarnations are real, you only get this life with this consciousness; don’t waste it on those who don’t value or appreciate you.

Love always 

HP

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Calm 

Be the calm and never the storm

When you see your partner or friend

Stressing, be that calm and be that 

Comfort, be their idea of home and 

Safety and comfort 

Let go of petty behavior, step outside 

Of yourself and see what they are 

Going through and be there for them.

When we step outside of the house

It feels like the whole world is what 

We are up against, so be the support 

And the reinforcement 

Do not add to the numbers of people 

They have to fight and stress over 

The goal should always be to add to 

In a beneficial way and improve upon 

Moving forward.

Remembering Justin Johnson 

RIP I remember when your brother came to Gamestop and in asking about how your doing he told me you were no longer among the living It never fully registered in my mind that you were truly gone 

Until I saw your profile and went to add you as friend and my gaze met with the words “Remembering Justin Johnson ”

It hit me like a runaway freight train

Death being an eventuality for all of us is something I thought I understood 

Until today, when I realized This whole time I was hoping it was a hoax

This happens every time someone I know dies

I just can’t accept it….I know I still have growing up to do ><

I never got to say my goodbyes, we made plans to chill that never came to fruition and I know I’m late but I guess it’s better late than never

I hope your at peace and finally know happiness, at least I know your in a better place now.

We were best friends, schoolmates and the time we had together albeit brief will not be forgotten.
Love always 

Your friend 

Hannah Paul

My language, translation included 

They say that knowing is half of the battle

but what exactly does that mean?

Every relationship, encounter or experience is an opportunity to learn and grow

I have learned that I am stubborn, passionate, vulnerable, flawed, hurt, damaged, strong willed and I am currently running on borrowed inner strength.

I have learned that I have a want to be loved and liked by those that matter, I love hard and I do everything in my power to show my love, I have abandonment issues, I am terrified that I won’t be able to have a family of my own one day, I am worried that marriage may not be an outcome for me and I wont find the person who deserves all of my love and what I have to offer.

I have learned that I have to be fearless in order to not have to face my fears.

I have learned that all of these things have come together inside of me and I have formed my own language.

My “I am fines, nothing is wrong,” is a cry for help and love

My saying I don’t want children is because its a lot easier than admitting that I may not have a say in the matter.

My saying that I am fine being a lone and relationships aren’t for everyone, and marriage is over rated is my way of saying that I am afraid that I may not find the one and I should get used to being alone.

Me choking on my emotions and telling people to stop being emotional is my way of saying, I have been hurt so many times that if I allow myself to feel in any capacity that it will overwhelm. I need to keep it bottled, I can’t allow myself to feel or grief.

I hurt so easily, I pretend nothing phases me but a lot hurts, a lot is chipping away at me; but I have to be strong, I have to be cool, I have to be that symbol of inspiration. I can’t let my friends and family see me being human…. being human is not a luxury afforded to me.

I have over time developed a complicated language layered in fears, insecurity and wrapped in pain, stamped damaged.

My biggest fear is not finding the one who can translate and understand

The one that is patient enough to kiss the stamp, see the pain and embrace me and once unwrapped get through the layers and find me at the center of the chaos, stand by me and love me all the more for what they have seen.

I don’t want to pretend anymore and I just want to be and let my guard down, I need to be human and know its ok.

Until then, I will wait ….for the one I feel safe enough around to take down my defenses, and let see the real me.

The purpose 

Why am I here?

What stars aligned to bring about my birth?

Everyone has that hallmark response that everything happens for a reason or purpose 

But what is that? And what the fuck does it actually mean?!

Because if you think about it all the good and bad occurred for you to benefit another

So the abuse, the molestation, the heartache and suffering……

All the pain was to benefit another?!!

Which makes you wonder

Are we doing this all wrong?

We live for ourselves and maybe we are all stuck in this painful infinity loop because we haven’t woken up from a slumber of selfishness and self serve to realize that we are here for each other. 

There’s few days I open my eyes and not question my existence 

Fewer still when I don’t regret my birth

But constant is my thought that there literally no point in my life I wish to return to 

I embrace my role and can’t wait to serve my purpose maybe then I’ll know peace

All of this can’t be for nothing

Divided we remain due to ignorance 

Cleanse

You see me as this awesome person, whose hurt and damaged 

You don’t place blame on me like you should and think me to be perfect 

You praise me for the “awesome girlfriend ” you think I was

But you’ve got it all wrong

Yes I loved you, but I didn’t communicate with you 

I wasn’t very patient and offered little understanding 

The truth is 

You were too good for me and better than I ever deserved 

Maybe that’s why I lost you 

Maybe that’s why we weren’t forever 

Maybe that’s why I’m stuck in a series of shitty partners 

Maybe that’s why even though I know your happy a part of me weeps because in your happiness comes my loneliness 

I get it now

You are my forever and that means my punishment is being lonely 

Living out my days defined by my accomplishments 

I know now what the path is that lies before me

As usual I understand and accept….it’s what I do best

I just needed to cleanse myself of misconceptions and falsehoods and expose myself for what I know to be truth.

Maybe in another life I’m happy and positive and we actually get to be 

Because in this life the stars have not aligned for it to be so.

Safe to say

I can admit a great deal

Inspite of how much pain was caused

Yes I cut you as you did me too

But I got so caught up in the enchanting game of tit for tat I forgot two wrongs never equal a right

I noticed your distance and separation and after much pleading I outsourced my needs 

And yes it was emotional cheating, one of the deepest forms of betrayal 

You sought the secrets lurking within and instead found the skeletons of my misdeeds. 

At the time pride and arrogance clouded my judgement and I defended my sins heart and soul. 

We made up soon after and all seemed to be well, and we were united and whole….. 

Or so I thought 

It had been months when in the calm of my routine I felt a pain like no other, as a feeling of dread washed over me. 

Our souls were no longer bound and my heart was now shattered 

I couldn’t figure out why you assaulted my core so, nor had I the proof…. But everything was now broken 

I came to you numerous times questioning your loyalty to this relationship and your faithfulness to me

Each time you made me feel crazy

Until that fateful day when all was brought to light and denial no longer an option 

You came clean after hours of lies

And in that moment I realized my biggest mistake was loving and trusting you. 

In spite of all the time that has passed I’m still not over you, this I can admit. Everything to do with you hurts my soul, so I must keep my distance 

After all feeling is not a luxury I can indulge